How to move on... from newly estranged step-daughter drama

[Time4GinAgain]

DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.

BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.

So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.

I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.

We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).

DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.

I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.

I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?

I'd be more inclined to think she just doesn't like you if that's how you describe a child

The usual responses from people who have no idea about my SD or what she put our family through.

There seems to be a rise these days in young girls deciding that they don't need their fathers in their lives. Is this a generational thing? Tik tok thing? What happened to family values and loyalty?

My own dad was very subpar at times, occasionally abusive. He's dead now. But I would never think to just erase him from my life, he was my dad! Everything seems disposable to teenagers these days

You’ve made the classic mistake of caring more than her dad has. She’s hurt by his disengagement and sadly nothing you’ve done or could ever do will compensate for that. She’s lashing out at you because it’s safer than being honest with herself that her dad is to blame for her feeling unwanted or unimportant (to him). You haven’t done anything wrong. Her mum probably sees you as a threat too so it serves her purposes to focus SD’s negative feelings on you.

Take an emotional step back. It’s his loss. You’ve tried but you’re out of options. Is hold off on getting a home gym but nothing wrong with being relieved the drama is over for now.

I’ll just reiterate that you’ve fallen into such a common trap of trying to make a man into the father his kids deserve. It’s not something anyone else can do. He may or may not reach a point of realisation about his chickens coming home to roost. That’s his stuff to handle, not yours. Focus on yourself and your own son.

All the triggered people by the words birth mum. Get over it.

Op I read birth mother as a clarifying adjective. I didn’t know it was MN no no. Secondly I took it jokingly about changing the room but just in case I would leave some and add some. If you need a place to work out them an unused bedroom should
accommodate this..maybe leave the closet /walls some parts intact from her. Dad needs to do more. You have done plenty. she won’t want to do the traveling anymore. I would think she’s missing out on a lot and it may be making her feel insecure and sidelined in her friend group. Alot of social structuring occurs on the weekends amongst friends. Her social “security” may be low due to not being available on the weekends. I don’t believe it has anything to do with you or your effort. Leave it to DH and mum to work out. I also think the divorced him comments are not on. This is blended family life and it goes on FOREVER

You and him sound like both extremes, you sound exhausting helicopter parent and he sounds like he's a not interested or present parent.

She probably just wants something in the middle that's neither extreme. Maybe after she's had a break from it all your other half can talk to her and find out what specifically is causing the issues and you can take the feedback constructively (and leave them to it).

I think it is early days to be clearing our her room. Although it might be nice to get anything back to her she wants. She may come around.

She may find it easier to say she wants no contact than to say she wants less contact. I wonder if she was anxious about facing you all or negotiating for the latter. It all sounds a bit sudden.

How does your son feel about not seeing his sister?

Why are you with this guy? You, your son (for whom he is setting a terrible example) and your SD all deserve better.

@Friarclose that's sad that you felt you had to have your abuser in your life and are advocating for girls to keep shit parents in their lives. There is NO excuse for abuse, an abusive parent is the lowest of the low.
It takes huge courage for a child to enforce boundaries with a shit parent, this girl should be applauded.
@Scarlettpixie the girl is unrelated to OPs kid.

As opposed to... the centuries old trend of grown men not bothering with their kids or doing the bare minimum?
Did you even read the OP where his own wife describes this man as a sub par dad?

Why on earth are you referring to the girl's mother as her birth mum and not just her mum FFS?

Keep out of it, and let the child's family work out what is best.

Turn her bedroom into a gym if that will make you feel better - but your stepdaughter will loathe and detest you for the rest of your life, if you do something so selfish.

Keep out of it, and let the child's family work out what is best.

Turn her bedroom into a gym if that will make you feel better - but your stepdaughter will loathe and detest you for the rest of your life, if you do something so selfish.

Classic! Only a Step Mum can apparently be the problem, but also keep out of it because you aren’t family, and how dare you even joke about changing a room…so selfish.

Who said OP is the problem? Her shit bloke is, and it's weird that she's accepted his shitness.

Likewise since aged 14. Late 30s now and still have zero interest. Would ignore him in Tescos if I see him.

Erm she literally said it in the OP:

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'.

I don’t know if you have misunderstood I was being sarcastic in response to that poster I quoted because they were being ridiculous towards OP, it’s clear OP is not the problem.

Yeah she's plain and simple. For sure.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either

No wonder the poor girl doesn’t want to spend a 2 hour journey to see a dad who makes no effort with her.

She probably does have an issue with you, but not because you’re a bad person but because either she associates you with her dad not making effort with her and it’s easier to blame you than him or you remind her that her dad (and maybe mum) don’t show her affection like you do with your child.

Your DH should not be arguing with the mum.
That is not going to make his DD want to see him.

He needs to reach out to the DD and ask if there’s anything he can do.
He needs to suggest going to her area once a week and simply taking her out for tea.
He needs to text her at least once a week and ask how she is.

He needs to focus less on his ex and more on his DD and then perhaps his DD will actually want to spend time with him.

He's not shitty, he's just not present or attentive. But I hear you, and I'm sorry your Dad was shitty. I'm glad you got away from him and his shitty-ness.

Majorly hands off. For years. I have done everything. It is a leap - but she's unhappy (with me/the situation), I'm unhappy (with him and his ineptitude) and BM is unhappy (with everything in the whole damn world).

Thanks. And the gym? 😉

I'm sorry you had this too. It is shit. But I can make her room into a gym now, right? 😉

Plain and, indeed, simple. You're right.

Agreed. It was actually every OTHER weekend, sorry, original typo. But yeah, things needed to change. I'm just sorry DH didn't help/change things sooner.

For ease of reference a Step-Mum (me) and a Birth Mum (BM)

Why have you put up with this for so long?

If I was her I wouldn’t want to come over either.