How to move on... from newly estranged step-daughter drama

[Time4GinAgain]

DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.

BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.

So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.

I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.

We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).

DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.

I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.

I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?

I've been through similar. As a SM you can do no right, the effort you put in you don't get a thanks for it. You're always seen as the bad one or the problem. No one ever sees the good that you do.
Well done for putting up with it for so long!

I think the way you call her mother her birth mother...as if that is all that she has done is give birth to this child...is disgusting. I have no wonder the woman is not keen on you.
How then should we then classify you? her non-mother? because if you can't show some respect for this girl's own mother than I can't see how you expect this child to want a relationship with you.

Sounds like sd is rather intelligent, correctly identifying that her waste of space father is not worth bothering with. Poor girl, but at least she no longer has to travel 2 hours. I find it bizarre that any parent could be persuaded to live that far away from a child.

To be honest it was weird and there is a whiff of hostility about it. Why would you refer to anybody's mother as "birth mum" unless they were adopted and a distinction needed to be made.

Anyway I am not surprised she doesn't want to come any more, her father can't be arsed, her step mother doesn't enjoy her and refers to her mother in this insulting way. I am sure she has picked up the vibes.

So sorry you and your son and your step daughter are having to go through all of this. You are all the innocent parties.

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for years doing everything for her and even including her mum. It should have been her father doing all of that.

He is the root problem and you (and both the kids) deserve much better.

The only thing I can suggest is to stay out of it and he needs to travel to where she lives every weekend make it clear he’s there and wait and see when she would like to see him and do just dad daughter stuff.

I also think you and your son would be better off without him tbh and in your situation I would probably end the relationship. Your son and you deserve much more as it’s you doing everything. You may have low self esteem, I was very similar, and still am tbh as I was a lone parent to my son. Hope you are OK, jokes aside, 💐

YABU to refer to your SDs mother as her Birth Mum.

You obviously dislike your SD & think you're superior to her mother so I imagine she feels very uncomfortable around you.
Your H needs to work this out with si daughter & ex.

Your husband really is a lazy arse. I'd be tearing him off a strip. His daughter will be missing out on mates time so I can see her side of it.

Don't enable him by doing any more paperwork and tell him this.

I expect mediation won't be impressed with either of her parents. My friend is a mediator, some parents need a good shake to see sense she says.

Your SD’s room needs to remain her bedroom, keep an open door policy, be the grown up. The recent fallout is likely due to your DH’s lack of attention. Only he can remedy this.

I'm a firm believer in you reap what you sow. I have a child who no longer see's his Dad. There is generally a good reason for a child to turn their back on a parent. And children are definitely not responsible for a parents emotions.

I went through a similar thing at that age OP, I had a job and friends and a social life and I wouldn't have wanted to spend every other weekend away from that.

I'm curious though that no one seems to know what the actual problem is, and even though he can't be arsed with her in real life, he's got lawyers involved to open up channels of communication?

What actually happened the last time she was there?

Have you text her to tell her you miss her and hope she's okay or would you rather stay out of it? You've been a parent figure most of her life, surely this would mean something to her?

Yes! I thought this was some new woke term I was missing 🤨
What a weird thing to call your SD's Mum.

"Birth mother" is a really rude way of referring to your stepdaughter's mother. And no, you should be in no rush to clean out her room.

The way you talk about your DSD’s mum, about the money your dh is paying towards his daughter’s upkeep, how you can’t wait to turn her room into a gym doesn’t show you in a good light.

It doesn’t matter whether you looked after her in the past, your words just drip bitterness and disdain.

Don’t think your DSD doesn’t know how you think of her. I don’t doubt that you slag off her mum within earshot, given how you made the effort to refer to her as simple etc.

So do you think that once DSD stops coming your DH should stop giving her mum maintenance? Well you’d be wrong there.

My own DS went through something very similar. His dad got together with someone else within weeks of us splitting, she was pregnant within a year and moved in before the baby was born.

My DS never really took to her, but his dad was equally to blame, because he as good as told DS that it was tough shit how he felt, regularly excluded DS from events, and would dismiss anything DS said about me as “sm isn’t interested in the opinions of someone who takes our money every month.”

Things came to a head when they were on holiday and she and ex had a row, in a public place, where she screamed insults about me across a restaurant. DS didn’t cut his dad off altogether but he never stayed there again, and he was also 14.

And ex essentially just accepted it. Invited him out for dinner maybe a couple of times a year but that was it. I believe his partner was elated. She too got rid of DS’ bedroom as soon as she had the opportunity.

Meanwhile ex is raising her daughter as his own, they have a child together, and DS has a half brother he barely knows.

He’s an adult now but still only sees his dad every few months or so, and isn’t interested in any more.

His dad is definitely to blame for a lot of it, in fact he even admitted to me once that he’d got together with his DP to early and that having a baby was a mistake. I’m not sure he’ll have admitted that to her though.

But she’s not without blame by any stretch.

your dog sounds like a waste of space of a father, but tbh you don’t sound much better.

No Decent father would move two hours away from his children, but no decent woman would agree to it either.

And the way in which you talk about her mother absolutely will come through. You’re naive if you think otherwise.

You’re not obliged to be a step mother to this girl. But don’t kid yourself that your husband is a good father. He absolutely isn’t.

Ffs the woman is the girl's mother/mum. Drop the Birth and Bio prefixes. She is Mum. You are step Mum. Simple.

And your DH is a lazy father. He has used you. Now he is going to lose his precious daughter. At least he will be able to keep trim in your new gym.

No wonder her mum is bitter having had no weekend time with her daughter all through primary school.

The OP has corrected that to say it was a typo and should have been EOW. But have you missed the bit where OP says the mother couldn't wait to get rid of her daughter so that she could have a social life?

OP you're an SM. You can't do right for doing wrong on MN. If you'd kept it at arm's length and left your SDD to her useless father, you'd have been wrong. She's family dontcha know, you knew he had a child when you got with him.

You did activities with her, made her welcome, with no recognition or support from DH, and because it's finally got too much for you you're the SM from hell.

It's tough, but try to let it go. You did your best with what you had.

So sad that you are justifying your own position instead of looking at it through the eyes of a 14 year old.

She will want to hang with her friends, she gets an easy ride at home with more freedom, she feels like the one taken for granted, expected to suck up a 2 hour journey, then she turns up to find a dad who doesn’t care and a stepmum who (in the narrow mind of a teenager) ‘tries too hard’ and sets ‘unfair’ boundaries. What’s in it for her? What pleasure does she get from the situation? Nothing. No wonder she makes up extreme excuses to knock it all on the head - she’ll say anything to change what she sees as the miserable parts of her life. And she’ll create in her own mind many reasons to prevent her from consciously facing up to the devastating acceptance that she is (in her mind) not deserving of love, attention and affection from her father.

The lack of consistency of approach between the two households, and the fact her father is an utter shit created all of this.

Too late now.

I’d be tempted to:-

A) write to her explaining that you accept her decisions, but that your actions and drivers all came from a deep desire to give her experiences and guardrails that you thought would serve her well in life, that they came from a heart that accepted and cared for her unconditionally, and that the door is always open for her to establish a future relationship with you if she wishes, as two adults with shared experiences, with you always wanting to support her. Even if you don’t mean it, that letter will at some stage (probably when she’s in the middle of well-deserved therapy) mean a huge amount to her - will give her validation the she was actually cared for - by you at least - to the extent that you forgive without question the shit her tormented teenage mind throws at you.

B) Take a long hard look at that low-life of a husband, and ask yourself why you feel so worthless as to spend a moment more breathing the same oxygen as him.

I think your suggestion of him spending time where she lives is good. Teenagers want to be with their friends . Hopefully he will come around and try it.

Honestly I think you have been massively over compensating and trying too hard for years and it's overbearing and over stimulating for her.

She is the same age as my daughter and I don't "leave" her in her room while I watch TV....we can't get her to join us. She doesn't pick towels up and seemingly hasn't idea how a laundry basket works.

So your rules, plus what appear to be very busy weekends filled with "family activities" are probably massively intense and most teens I know would hate them.
At 14 it's standard behaviour to not want to join in, to not want to be treated like a child (in their eyes), to not want rules or too many questions/decisions.

Redecorating a bedroom every two years when she uses it EOWe seems not just excessive but potentially stops it feeling like hers?

At 14 teens also become much more aware of adults behaviour and start to see that adults are not perfect or infallible and have many flaws. Her mum may have influenced her, or she could just have come to her own conclusions about her Dad's behaviour before and since the split or yours.

Your problem here is your DH - drop him, why would you accept such a low standard in parenting ?

You have done a great job - there is rarely any thanks for being the one good 'parent'

I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

i don’t think there’s a court in the land which will force a 14yo/tell them hey must communicate with their dad when they dont want to. I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time on a legal challenge. Sounds like your dh has been a fairly useless dad to her and that’s now coming home to roost. His best bet is to try and sort his relationship out with her, but also respect what she’s saying. So if he is being told not to go charging down to her he needs to respect that. Maybe write her a letter saying he loves her and he’s sorry if that hasn’t been apparent. That he will always be there for her if she wants to contact him.

But that is shitty 🤷‍♀️

OP you have had a really odd posting style on this thread, but I am relieved to see your recent post about it being because you're struggling to comprehend/cope with what's gone on.

This is the best idea!