How to move on... from newly estranged step-daughter drama

[Time4GinAgain]

DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.

BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.

So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.

I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.

We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).

DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.

I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.

I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?

Thanks to all who have commented, even the snarly ones. I wanted to try to see my situation from a different perspective and I really have been interested to read different people's unique opinions and thoughts about.

Thanks v much for the support from some - and to the others for their contributions.

I have taken action; felt it was important for me to address a few things with a few people... and have done so.

I hope you have a happy Easter/break

@HelsinkiLights 's post was very wise and well worth re-reading.

Are you feeling rather hurt and rejected yourself?

Give her time and keep reaching out to her, let her know you're there when she's ready.

I wish my stepmother had put 0.1% of the effort in that you have. Everything you've done will stay with her for the better, @Time4GinAgain You've made a positive difference to someone's life in the long term, even though it cost you.

P.S. I like your humour! Not enough of it on Mumsnet.

@Time4GinAgain

Your reference to her MOTHER as "Birth Mum" is incredibly offensive. And the fact that you have then responded to questions/statements about it with sarcasm and jokes makes it even worse.

Sincerely - an adoptive mother. Aka a mother who has every right to refer to their child's actual Birth Mum as such.

Thank you @DancesWithDucks

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who ignores his own children frankly.

Why do people get so incredibly hung up on the 'birth mother' thing? I have skin in this game as an adoptee and have no problems at all with the birth mother thing. It might be a faintly unusual but it's not a big deal.

It's spectacularly missing the actual point of the post in order to be offended about something minor. Aren't the OP here and the young teen here the focus of this thread?

As an adoptee how many mothers were active in your life? Did you introduce people to your mum or did you say "here's my adoptive mum Diane" or whatever?
A step child potentially has two women actively "mothering" them, depending on relationship dynamics. Only one of them is actually Mum. The other is step mum. Mum in this case doesn't need the "birth" prefix. She's just Mum. The other one needs the prefix in case of confusion so "step" it is.

But I agree, it is rarely meant with any ill intent but always derails threads regardless. Very tiresome.

As an adoptee how many mothers were active in your life? Did you introduce people to your mum or did you say "here's my adoptive mum Diane" or whatever?

Yes, I did, as it happens, for clarity. I had three active mothers in my life, and if you include foster mother and 2nd step mother, a couple more inactive. Clarity was needed when talking to friends about which mother I was referring to!

Can't see the point about getting offended over 'birth mother' especially when, as you say, it's not meant with ill intent and derails the thread - specially when there's clearly a sad situation for the young teen, and for @Time4GinAgain

Also strange and perverse that people can't see the humour in her posts - she's clearly upset, strange that it needs spelling out that her humour is a way of dealing with it. That's AIBU I guess.

Stay out of it. You've tried your best. Time for DH to take the reins.
Let the chips fall where they may. You've suggested to DH try 121 but it's really up to him.
Don't totally clear out DSDs room just yet... presume that was a joke. But maybe tidy her things up into wardrobe so they "don't get dusty" and re purpose the space temporarily?

How is that not shitty?

Non attentive dad is shitty dad! Particularly if there is a divorce. It's really obvious - man gets divorced because of shitty lazy parenting, carries on with lazy parenting, gets new woman in to fill the vacancy, woman works like stink, man sits back and carries on with life while simultaneously insistent he is involved parent. Child hits puberty and decides dad is waste of space.

The end. Lots of posts like this one on Mumsnet. All with the same blended arrangements. Children grow up and make their own choices.

Ah, I’m sorry, OP. You sound really sad and angry. I’m guessing you miss her and are feeling helpless- the people who can fix this aren’t trying.

Getting away for a bit is good. Looking after yourself is good- though probably not the home gym idea just yet!

I have had children move on, and been the only member of the family really grieving for it. It sucks and feels very lonely.

Does she have your number? I’d drop her a text saying you miss her and hope she feels better soon.

At 14 it's standard behaviour to not want to join in, to not want to be treated like a child (in their eyes), to not want rules or too many questions/decisions.

Totally agree and I’m starting to wonder if this was more just DSD deciding she would rather be with her mates every weekend/do her own thing/not stay at Dads (which is understandable and almost expected as she gets older) but it’s been massively blown out of proportion with the encouragement of birth mums dramatics about OP and mental health…..

Yes, this exactly...

It sounds like your SD is being quite honest here about how things really are. You sound like you have been faking it for years for whatever reason and her Dad can't be bothered. She's kind of right to call this out. For them both to go straight to lawyers speaks volumes about what a dysfunctional family this is.

Thanks - I have written to SD's Mum to pass on my love to SD - I couldn't message her directly as when my DH did, just to say he loves her, she wrote back saying 'me too but I don't want to message right now' and then about a week later he asked when she thought they could meet up again and she said ' I don't want to text rn, but it will all get sorted out soon'.

He and BM are in mediation after Easter so I think BM has told her to say that til that's happened.

So I wrote (nicely) to BM to ask what SD wants me to do with her stuff, ie is there anything she wanted from it - told her that I was keeping her bedroom up here and that she was always welcome - and that I got why she didn't want to come up anymore.

I also apologised to her for DH's rubbish behaviour but said I am planning to be away with my son for lots of the holidays in the next year or so, so SD might like a break with her Dad alone up here - and that the door is always open.

Hopefully in mediation DH says he is happy to go down to see her, get an airbnb and stay down there to hang out with her and doesn't try to convince BM that SD should come up here... but he's stubborn and doesn't read the room and doesn't seem to care what SD, BM or I want.

'but he's stubborn and doesn't read the room and doesn't seem to care what SD, BM or I want'.

what a prince among men................

Some men aren’t good at understanding other people’s emotional needs, yet still get relationships because we women think we can fix it/fill the hole.

Or they become involved not realising how crappy the men are, then once they've had their own child it becomes clearer. Hard to tell beforehand if the man's putting a good face on things.

Yeah he's a peach. Ignores all the women in his life. Now another one has judged him and has left.

It sounds likes you are making alot of assumptions and sounds like you are projecting from your own experience. Not fair on the OP.

I thought you might be using it this way. I have a tendency to do this myself, it's harder to work out if that's happening in text.. There's not really much you can do. It sounds like you've been a much better parent to her then her Dad. Even if he'd been a great Dad it's not uncommon for this to happen with teens, but then she'd be more likely to come back later on if they had a close relationship. Keep the door ajar, do some lunches, you could try to nurture an online relationship between her and her brother. There's so many more options these days for keeping in contact. If they both play roblox and have kid messenger they can talk through games and video call.

I can see my DD going this way in a couple of years. She's currently a tween. If her hobbies conflict with time with her Dad she'd much rather do her hobbies. Ive actually spent a lot of time and energy trying to build up that relationship because I think its important, but XH doesn't do himself any favours. runs me down to her and won't put himself out to build that relationship. He's not as far away, I expect they'll always have some form of relationship, but I don't think it will ever be a close one. Ultimately that's his fault, just like the poor relationship between your DSD and her Dad is his fault not yours.