How to move on... from newly estranged step-daughter drama

[Time4GinAgain]

DH and I have his daughter, my SD, up every weekend and half the holidays, with my son (from a previous relationship) who lives with us. This has been scheduled and occurring for 11 years fairly well. In the last 2 years SD has been a bit grumpy and miserable, which I put down to the beginning of teenagedom (she's now 14), then three months ago she told her Birth Mum she didn't want to come up to ours 'ever again'.

My DH and his ex/her Mum, argued over email - particularly when BM said 'the problem is your wife'. I have never had any issues with my SD apart from noticing how she is recently always moody celebrating anything but her own birthday and doesn't get enough attention from her Dad which I have encouraged him for years to do - plus the fact she doesn't like it that we have a few basic rules in our house, because that differs from BM's house with SD. I understand it's a schlep to ours too (we live 2 hours away) and she probably wants to hang with her friends more where she lives, esp now she's older.

BM has always made life difficult for us as she acts like the world owes her a favour. I was a single mum for 5 years so originally she had my support and I would rally around doing what I could to look after SD when she was 3 and upward but she (BM) was never happy.

My DH has never really made much of an effort with his daughter either, and blissfully dreams we are living a 'blended family' life. I have for years suggested he go down to where SD lives and look after her/hang out with her down there 121 away from us to give his Daughter 'quality father time' - and while I have been doing most of the parenting when she's up, I guess have become the 'bad guy' and don't like being so when it's not fair on SD or on me.

So I don't really care about his ex blaming me for being 'the problem' as I think both BM and DH have neglected SD who has often complained that her mum leaves her upstairs for hours (since she was 10) alone with her ipad while BM watches TV downstairs without her.

I can easily see how our slightly more attentive/more inclusive household is something that would p**s off a SD who isn't used to much attention or rules, and by rules I mean, coming out for a dog walk once a weekend, keeping her room tidy by making her bed and putting her dirty clothes in her wash bin and hanging up her wet towels after a shower - all stuff that my son and my SD have been asked to do since they were 8 and 9 respectively, so for the last 5-6 years.

We/I have spent years and years creating a warm, fun, safe family environment with lots of trips and holidays, cinema, theatre, galleries, swimming lessons, water parks, country hotels with activities, holiday clubs, family time, cooking, drama classes, cycling lessons when young, trips to see extended family, summers abroad, take aways, meals out, sleepovers with friends, parties, clothes, hair & nails treats and beauty time, bedrooms redecorated every 2 years, boardgames, books, bedtime stories and games (when younger), alone time, film nights, sports, dancing classes, gymnastics, flip out, go karting, soft play, Father Christmas visits, zoos, parks, seaside trips in UK, and let them have a decent amount of private screen time alone/with their friends (like more than 5 hours a weekend day).

DH and SD's BM are still arguing, but now BM has gone to a lawyer and said she's 'being instructed by her daughter for her mental health' and that she doesn't want to come up and now doesn't ever want to see DH again. He has gone to mediation and a lawyer himself. The BM says now SD is 14 she can do what she likes and ‘for the sake of her mental health’ DH must not contact her to talk to her to try to change her mind, let alone him come down or SD come up again. I am not sure there’s a court or law in the land that would tell a child she must not communicate with her dad where for 11 years it has been a close relationship - unless something awful has occurred, like abuse or something, which isn’t the case here.

DH and BM have joint mediation arranged and I have said to DH that he might have to accept that all he can offer/expect is to have occasional/less frequent time with his Daughter now she’s older - and that he should take the time to spend time down there where she lives, rather than up here, and spend it alone with her 1-2-1 - especially as now the BM is all fired up and seemingly not encouraging SD to visit us/attempting to alienate him by telling daughter not to speak or text or FaceTime him. I also said she'd probably come around (mentally speaking) in a while, give her some time and minimise all contact with the BM.

I am happy to stay out of it right now as I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all, and feel under supported for years by my DH, and I am TIRED.

I guess I’m just wondering is it too soon to clear out SD’s bedroom, and turn it into a gym then f* off on holiday without them all?

She's 14. 14 year olds are not known for being very long sighted

Considering the child complains that her mother sends her to her room to play online all day I'd suggest neither parent is covering themselves in glory.

She is 14. She wants to be with her friends

I think this is being misplaced onto you because she desperately wants her dad to give a shit, when he doesn’t, and actually it’s been pretty easy for him to bumble along with the lovely life you’ve tried to give her. I don’t think it’s about you at all, and I think her mum probably is t helping as she doesn’t sound great. It’s a real shame, I feel for her. But I’d try really hard not to take it personally. She’s only 14 and is clearly having a turbulent time.

Please stop calling your DH a “great” dad though, because from what you’ve said he really isn’t.

I think that attitude stinks. A child isn't responsible for an adults emotions.

Are you sure the SD actually said this and it's not a distortion by her mum?

It could be anything really. You all need to have a proper chat about it together, and be open to whatever your step daughter is thinking and feeling without being judgemental.
As a parent to teens, I would say that 14-16 is quite a self-centered age and they (mine at least) would rather lay in bed all morning and then do something on their own than any dog walk with family. In fact, I would say my son needs this as he doesn't get enough sleep in the week and has to make up for it.
I have known children who used to see the other parent every weekend suddenly not want to do this because friends are often more important to teens and they miss out if they have to go somewhere not local.
But who knows? Court seems ridiculously OTT though.

@Time4GinAgain I mean this kindly but you need to let your guard down a bit and lose the snippy attitude.
People are trying to help and give advice but skimming your posts gives a picture of someone being really sarcastic and not giving a shit and I don't think that's true.

I'm the 'birth' mother in a similar situation - dad who didn't really engage, nice blended family photos on instragram but not in practice. My DS just didn't want to play happy families anymore, when he felt they didn't really care about him.

Rather than blame his useless dad, he's blamed his stepmother - I think it's easier to blame the step-parent, less hurtful for the child.

As others have said, you should encourage your husband to reach out to his daughter, and I'd advise calling and texting to let her know he's thinking of her. My DS was out of sight, out of mind between his visits to them.

Your husband is an utter shit.

I’m going to assume that you’re just tired of this, and you don’t actually want to clear out the room. In your post you are giving your SD much more grace than I've seen on similar threads, it sounds like you’ve done your best and you’re just caught in the middle.

I don’t think her Mum is the problem here, remember at this age you don’t know what she’s going back and saying. This is all on your DH and if you speak into the situation at all it should be to very bluntly tell him his parenting has been inadequate. Given that he’s at fault he should be bending over backwards to work with his ex to find a way to make it up to his daughter, not arguing.

What goes around comes around, I suspect. She's getting older and has probably twigged that she's not a priority for her dad and that, in return, she's of an age where she no longer has to waste her time on him.

Name changed as want to keep this separate from my usual name.

@Time4GinAgain a step daughter's perspective here.

I know this might sound a bit strange but due to a depressed angry Mother, a horrible stepfather & a albeit lovely but wrapped up in himself Dad with lots of childhood trauma - the only 'normal' parent I had was my StepMum.

SM & me were very close as a child.
She would even let my half sibling from my Mum's new relationship come over to stay even though my half sibling was not connected to her or my Dad.

However due to various reasons I became a seriously angry teenager & took it all out on my SM.
Why?
Because (now I know after lots of therapy & becoming a Mum myself)
that she was the one who I had a proper attachment to & would always be there for me & love me.
The only one who properly parented me.
I wanted to know if she would 'leave' or let me down like the rest.
So I pushed & tested her to the limit.
In some ways I was cross because she wasn't my bio Mum. Cross that the children (half siblings but we class each other as full siblings) she had with my Dad got to have her all the time, when I wanted it to be just me & her.

We came through it in the end & we got back to being very close again & in some ways I am her 'favourite child'
Though to be fair me & my siblings are all treated equally & each of us is 'the favourite' in various ways.

Long story short: maybe your SD is blaming you & kicking off with you because you are her parent & the primary care giver & the one she's psychologically attached to the most.
Like babies/toddlers with the primary caregivers the ones they feel safe with are the ones they will kick off with.
(As we all know teenagers are really overgrown toddlers with hormones.)

So it sounds like you're the only one she can rely on so she blames & takes it out on you.

Of course I'm not there with you all & don't see/hear/experience the dynamics/interactions - so perhaps none of what I've said applies to your situation.

Not surprised she doesn't want to see you when you call her a nasty ungrateful brat.

Stepdds mum is not her birth mother-a birth mother is the term for a woman whose child is adopted at birth. It's a bit offensive of second wives to name them a birth mother, as it hints that they are no longer the parent.

Bless I’ve just read one of your updates. It’s not a reflection of you and just remember as pp said sometimes they’re not particularly empathetic at this age. At the moment you are convenient target for her ire. That doesn’t mean that she does not like you and it definitely doesn’t mean that when she’s older she’s not going to look back and appreciate the effort you’ve made.

Some parents aren't worthy of this degree of self-reflection.

Alot of them are actually nasty and ungrateful and spoilt brats sometimes helped along by bitter exes too.
The SD in the original post has had loads of time and attention and money spent on her.
No doubt her and her mother although saying she wants nothing to do with him, will crawl out the woodwork though if they think there's any money or inheritance be had.
Be there like a shot if dad won the lottery next week.
Can't stand people who treat their parents like crap for no reason.
So many dads aren't even interested. How would they have liked that from the word go?

Seems that no one actually wants your SD. You've not enjoyed being a step mum, her dad's disengaged and her own mum's happy for her to go to her room and stay there. At least she's got everyone's attention at the moment.

Absolutely this. Around 12 or so and children see things differently in terms of fathers who have been distant. All the bedrooms, joint trips and loveliness you arranged will not make up for it either. Men like this realise far too late their children grow and judge.

This is ridiculous. You are talking about money as though it is not a basic parental responsibility for him to provide for his child. All teenagers have selfish and dramatic moments with their parents. In this case her father has behaved poorly, his mere presence does not negate this. It’s clearly not for no reason, OP has been the one parenting her and spending time with her.

At 14 you cannot expect children to approach their relationships in the most mature way. For her, this might feel like the only way she can express how she feels about his apathy.

Tbh, your situation and the OPs is totally different. Op doesn’t call her sdd a ‘nasty ungrateful brat’ and, in fact, seems to have given her a good life over the years, and doesn’t name call her sdd, only referencing that it hasn’t always been easy. I have some sympathy for OPs situation, but none for yours….

“I haven’t enjoyed being a step mum at all”. To be honest, it seems quite clear that you don’t like her and I’m sure she can tell. Not much you can do about that I suppose - it is what it is. But at least try to sit with the fact rather than just blaming everyone else involved.

Reading between the lines but shoot me if I'm wrong.
I get the impression that 'not enjoying being a stepmum' is because OP is the only one doing the parenting & feels fed up with that rather than not liking being a stepmum.

It sounds like OP would have an easier time if she was a single parent - just both kids & her

Edited for typo

So she says she dosent want to see her dad again and he's not supposed to be upset?
Whatever is she teaching any future children she might have.
As said if he won the lotto next week you'd find her stance had changed.
It's pathetic and selfish, and some things are never right for some people, they are never happy.

There are some children who've never had their dad interested in them from birth.

Well there was nothing stopping him from building a relationship with his daughter?

From the OP he has made no effort, she has made all the effort on the EOWs when the SD visits. Just because some fathers are even shittier doesn't mean the SD to be grateful for the minimal interest her dad has shown in her.

Ok but the daughter is a child being heavily influenced by the adults around her. Few of us make sensible decisions when we are teenagers do we? I always come back to the simple fact that the child didn’t choose for her parents to split or for you to come into her life. She didn’t chose this life that she has, the adults forced it on her. Adults turning petty and immature when dealing with children because they can’t handle their own emotions is never a good look for anyone. I really think the whole notion of blended families requires a level of emotional maturity that a lot of people appear to lack.