To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

You maybe embarrassed her and made her feel like a charity case. Or there's nothing amiss and it's in your head.

I don't know OP. I think you acted with good intentions & your heart was in thr right place but you probably made the other family feel embarrassed & in receipt of charity they didn't ask for. I would have felt incredibly awkward if another mum bought my dd shoes like that.

I think that was a really lovely thing you did. Perhaps the mum feels a bit embarrassed though and doesn’t quite know how to approach it?

My DS goes through school shoes like you wouldn’t believe. One time my mum picked him up from school and they seemed to have almost disintegrated 🙈 she bought him a new pair but I felt embarrassed that it seemed like I was neglecting him or something (obviously I wasn’t!). Perhaps this girl’s mum feels the same. But I don’t think you did anything wrong.

Her dad thanked you. Job done.

Your heart was in the right place - though how would you have felt in your Shoezone days if another parent you barely knew sent your DD home one day in different, more expensive shoes? I imagine you’d have felt at least some level of embarrassment or humiliation that they’d clocked you being poor and decided that they could clothe your child better. It might have softened the blow if you’d messaged to say DD had a pair of shoes that didn’t fit and you’d lost the receipt for and would she like them before you sent them to the charity shop, offering her an opportunity to save face.

Honestly, I’d be a bit annoyed. I want to choose my DC’s school shoes, I actually really dislike Clark’s, I always found they fell apart and I’d want to be happy with the style & fit. It was a kind thing to do, but yes, I’d be a bit annoyed. Maybe she had a new pair already at home waiting until those ones died a death?

Don’t overthink it.
i would’ve been embarrassed but would’ve thanked you, which is what the dad did, so leave it. If the mum is cross it comes from a place of worry about being judged. I’ve been there.

Yeah sorry I think it's a bit weird. Why did it have to be the most expensive school shoes as well? How do you know she wasn't planning on getting her some new school shoes at the weekend? You just took it upon yourself to go and buy really dear shoes without asking. I'm sure you thought you were being nice but it's just a bit odd in my opinion.

I know you acted with good intentions but I would be mortified if I were the other mum. I think it really crossed a line. It implies that they can’t afford to buy their child shoes and that they were neglectful leaving her in old ones until you noticed it and rescued her

I’d feel pretty awful if someone had done this to me/my DD. Fair enough lend a pair of your DD’s shoes but to take her shoe shopping somewhere a pair of school shoes costs £50 was just a bit odd imo.

How uncomfortable for the Mum. She probably feels indebted now and unable to return as her DD probably loves them.

The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
You realise you may have effectively taken this away from her?

You've done something very kind but Sophie's mum is clearly very embarrassed.

Maybe because they're Clarks shoes and therefore expensive in comparison to what she'd have bought. She may also be thinking that she can't match that when it's your DD's birthday. People can get caught in a reciprocal thinking trap about these sorts of things.

I've been extremely poor and when somebody does something nice for you like this it can feel as humiliating as it does helpful. Not your issue I know but worth having some emotional intelligence about and remembering not to be hurt if you don't get gushing gratitude.

You have been thanked by Sophie's dad and he has undoubtedly told Sophie's mum this, so she is trying to cope with try her embarrassment by pretending it hasn't happened. The biggest thing you can do now to restore normality is go along with it IMO.

Maybe the dad didn’t tell her you bought them

I think it’s fine. She probably does feel a bit embarrassed and I certainly wouldn’t expect her to mention it - the father has already thanked you. But they have accepted your gift. Just move on.

Did I cross a line

Yes, you did. I would think it was a really odd and massively overstepping thing to do. It’s my job as parents to buy my kids school shoes, not yours to decide you must take over and do it instead.

They were probably waiting till the weekend/holidays to go and do it.

If you’d lent her a pair of socks and shoes and explained her socks were a bit wet, that would have been fine, but not this.

I'd feel embarrassed and judged.
Not your intention, but that's how I'd feel.

Sorry, I think you've massively overstepped. I would feel patronised if someone did this for my child, and would probably keep my distance.

Agree. A pair from Tesco could maybe be explained away as an emergency buy as the existing ones were broken. But Clarks ones… it comes across as judgemental.

She's embarassed, resents being put in a situation where she knows she should thank you but can't mention it as it may lead to explanations she doesn't want to give. Maybe it caused a huge family row? Maybe child felt humiliated? Who knows? Let it go OP, no good deed goes unpunished, it was a kind thing to do but let it rest.

YWNBU to buy the shoes

YABU to expect mum to thank you when dad already has imo.

This was weird. I probably would have lent a pair of my DD’s shoes to the girl (maybe a pair you didn’t mind not getting back so they didn’t have to rush to get new shoes) but I wouldn’t have gone out and bought expensive new shoes for her. If someone had done that for my DD, I’d have been really embarrassed and awkward about it too.

1- they are good friends
2- I would have felt happy and not embarassed AT ALL

Her mums really embarrassed. She probably thinks she should repay you for her prides sake, but can't afford to. You should have bought a cheap pair.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

I would have handled it differently but less honestly than you did.

Like saying to the children that you needed to go to the supermarket for milk and then buying them both a pair of shoes.

But your way was more straightforward.

the old shoes were clark too and same kinda style, very similar

Where were her old shoes from? I think you crossed a line, if you had had a pair at home you could have made an excuse about not needing, or even if you'd picked up some supermarket ones I think that would be preferable.