To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Me and Sophie’s parents are from the same country - not in Europe

Echo @Upinthenightagain some wains just love the old ones! OP, it's not about you and from your posts here you don't seem interested in trying to understand it from the other mum's perspective, hopefully in a few days...

Really weird responses on this thread. Surely their first concern should be their child.

To be honest if their child's shoes have fallen apart and she has cold wet feet and they prefer to leave their child like that than accept a kind gift from a friend, they are putting their own pride before their child's welfare.

I mean obviously it's up to a parent to sort their kids shoes but they have failed to do so for whatever reason be it time or money. Next time maybe they will ensure their daughter has decent shoes, if they are really that embarrassed.

If someone did this for me I'd be really grateful. I imagine I'd have to be pretty desperate to send my child to school in broken shoes - certainly not able to afford a new pair, otherwise I'd have bought them already

southwing you seem to be a very kind person, pls do not stop helping ppl based on the miserable bunch of posters here. Most ppl are responsive to a helping hand. When my dc were little, I’d have been most grateful to someone doing this for one of my little ones.

The best way to help people is anonymously or in a way that respects them.

Mail them £100 cash.

Rig a prize draw (pta etc).

Make donations via school and help ensure there are pots of support available there

Fundraise for a trip or opportunity to be funded for all kids.

Encourage community swap events for things like uniform/kids clothes/toys

Give vouchers/cash as birthday gifts.

Buy a service from them - ask them to babysit & pay, if they bake a nice cake ask if you could buy one for a birthday etc. Offer flexible work like ironing or cleaning.

Jezzzz

I said I would be fine with it to show my thought process and mindset that drove my impulsive action.

Did you know that this how human behaves most of the time?

Rigging a prize draw is illegal. Definitely don't do that.

Don’t overthink it.

She will be grateful but perhaps a bit embarrassed - so don’t pick at that scab by texting or in anyway continuing the conversation - it isn’t kind.

The only thing you could have done better is not taking the extra gift to her birthday, you’d already bought the shoes so it was OTT.

You did a good thing, now leave it be.

Just because someone's open and honest about their financial situation doesn't mean they wouldn't be embarrassed by something like this

You weren't wrong to buy the shoes but empathy goes a long way. I would have pretended they where a spare pare of my dcs. Just because you aren't embarrassed doesn't mean others aren't.

It's a bit odd that you didn't just phone her mum and explain her feet were wet and confirm that you could take her now for new shoes if she wanted you to.

Your post also talks about YOUR joy at buying her shoes which shouldn't even come into it at all.

Practicalities first, you're not her parent and should have discussed with one of her parents first.

They could easily have had new shoes at home that Sophie refused to wear, unless she got the ones SHE wanted which you then went and bought for her.

Lots of innocent situations here as to why a child is wearing broken shoes. But you had assumed parental neglect or irresponsibility and took it on yourself to correct.

Clearly choosing shoes isn't a big deal or she wouldn't let her daughter go round in falling apart shoes. Anyway she can still buy her daughter more shoes if she wants.

This is a close friend not a random person. And the family are very poor.

You sound less likeable with every post

toe curling

No one who can afford shoes lets a small child go about with wet feet. The mother might be embarrassed, but she’s not in a huff about shoe shopping. The OP has said they live in a grotty one bed with small kids - they are skint.

If the OP lacked empathy she’d have hardly bought the kid shoes would she? She did a kind thing, and she handled a tricky situation reasonably well. In the end a child with wet feet has to be prioritised over an embarrassed mum.

I agree with British awkwardness about these things. In many countries there would be no angst around this at all.

OP, you did a kind thing but as they didn’t seem to have appreciated it, I wouldn’t make these gestures again.

Yes it was nice to buy shoes, but to hand them the (price marked?) box to make it clear they were brand new and bought specifically, and to not understand why it may have made mum feel a bit uncomfortable is all a bit tone deaf.

I'd probably also not have been able to help but think "thats a food shop I can barely afford and now I feel like I owe it to OP"

Yes. You are perfection and your friend was mightily unreasonable not to bow at your feet for your generosity.

Alternatively, accept that maybe you did embarrass them and, whilst you haven’t experienced this, learn from it.

Why post at all if you weren’t going to listen?

Some really unpleasant posters here tonight…

look If you posted the same scenario on here and said you left her the wet worn out shoes because you weren’t sure what to do you would get your arse handed to you as well and be told you were unreasonable for letting a child go without.

You did a kind and thoughtful thing but her mum probably IS embarrassed and it’s being displaced as anger at you.

Honestly, our social group is fairly well off so the money is neither her nor there but if this happened to me and another mum felt she (rightly) needed to provide or buy my child shoes because they had holes in I’d be beyond embarrassed that I was failing to meet the most basic needs of my child.

I feel (irrationally!) that buying another child school shoes is hugely insulting. Food, books, toiletries... all fine in a lot of circumstances. School shoes? Absolutely not!!

"She cant even put shoes on her own childs feet"
"Typical cobblers weans"
ETC.

Its irrational, Im not saying otherwise. But maybe ask your friend? Be straight with her - "I'm sorry if I overstepped boundaries, I wanted to do a nice thing. Tell me about why youre angry with me, I want to sort this out".

I think you did a nice thing OP, I'm sure mum will get over any awkwardness. Just speak to her like you do normally and it will all blow over.

People here seem to be prioritising mum's possible embarrassment over the comfort and dignity of a small child. That's not right. Children should always be the priority in these situations. Good for you OP.

I know it was an incredibly kind and generous thought but I would have felt so humiliated by this if I was Sophie’s mum. A more sensitive thing would have been to have asked her if she wanted some shoes that were practically new but your daughter wasn’t keen on, or a Clark’s voucher that you had been given and couldnt use. I can understand why she is being off - the power balance in the relationship has changed and she’s gone from feeling like the girls are friends (and you are school mum friends who are on equal terms) to feeling like a charity case who can’t look after her daughter.

This comment was about not feeling embarassed about receiving charity - not about gifting shoes

Your heart was in the right place but it's absolutely not your place to buy another child school shoes.

If a parent sent a child out wearing shoes with known holes in them, and they were then embarrassed by another person supplying shoes without holes, they should be fucking grateful for the replacement shoes. No child should be enforced to wear leaky shoes if there is an alternative available. This must be irrespective of any parental sensibilities