To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

You say Sophie would debunk your lie… I would not have told Sophie the shoes were new either. I’d have given them to the parents and passed them off as a hand me down in some way.

I would have been embarrassed, but I also would have been really touched that you'd done that. If I were the mum, I'd possibly have said 'Thankyou for the shoes, I can't afford to give you the money in one go, but I'll pay you back in instalments, if that's ok?'. If you then insisted it was a gift, I would have thanked you and took it as a kind gesture.

However, that's how I would have dealt with it. Everyone reacts and feels different, clearly.

I'd have probably gone along the lines, if I were you, of saying 'oh I bought these from Vinted but wrong size/style - they fit xx so she can have them save them going to waste'

For now, I'd possibly text and say something like 'meant to say to xxs dad the other night - thanks for the stuff you've given me for stuff over the years - was sorting out things the other night and realised you've saved me a fortune'.

I don’t think you did anything wrong, and you’re getting such a hard time for this.
I possibly would have done the same thing, if the shoes were all wet and Clark’s was nearby then it’s not a big deal to me. Tbh I couldn’t be doing with a close friend acting weird about that. If you’re all close then you
can treat each others kids like you would your own, and not make a big deal of it. That’s the dynamic between me and my close friends too. I would not lie or make up a weird story or excuse, it’s better to be straight up with it like you did, and keeping it as no big deal
The only part I wouldn’t have done is bring a bday present into it. So I wouldn’t say it’s the birthday present I would rather be like oh we’ve had so many clothes passed down from Sophie it all evens out, don’t worry about it
But you did nothing wrong

did you not read the part where I took Sophie to the shop?

You swooped to the rescue. I hope you enjoyed that warm fuzzy glow.
Your heroic act of 'kindness' would have left me feeling embarrassed and neglectful.
Have other parents/children noticed my childs shoes are past their best?
Is it obvious we are struggling?
Are we being talked about?
Will SS be at my door?
Is my child being bullied?
Are you going to tell other people about this? (YES. You're so pleased with yourself that you've told a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet so you'll definitely be telling other friends/acquaintances of this generous act). Your pal knows you so will know what type of person you are.
It's good the child comes to your house regularly for sleepovers and the like. How else would they keep warm and get fed?

These are things Mum will likely be ruminating over.

My DD came home the other day and I noticed the sole had come right away. I said to DD how long had it been like that? She said ages. These were Clark's shoes, a couple of month's old. She is quite destructive with shoes. I replaced them immediately but if a friend's mums had seen them I would have been mortified.

I think you should have mentioned it to her parents and not bought the shoes.

the clothes are already from charity shop and hand me downs - it is not like DD is inheriting Sophie’s expensive wardrobe so - - it did not cross my mind because - - the shoes were not in exchange from clothes…make sense?

🙄

I think its lovely that you have done. I have been in both situations, a few years ago was on the bones of my arse and now 100 percent in a better place and love treating people. I have always struggled to ask for and accept help and do find it hard to respond which perhaps she is similar. I wouldn't give it another thought and just carry on.

Yeah, this. Maybe he made out as though he bought them for her? But even if not, you don't do altruistic acts so people make a fuss of you. You do it because you believe it's the right thing to do at the time. The mum, if she knows about the shoes, will most likely be embarrassed about what happened.

and probably he forced Sophie to lie too? After convincing mum that clarks was still open after he finished work? or maybe he bought during his lunch time?

I do think it is all a bit drama triangle.

In that the rescuer role is dysfunctional.

Did you ever see the episode of Friends where Phoebe argues that people only do good deeds to meet their own needs?

Bit like that.

You are cycling through the other two roles during the course of this thread, too, op.

Going between persecutor; all the "oh right so you know that for a fact?" type posts.

and victim "I'll carry on being me with my good heart".

Well, it's interesting to watch.

Well, I 100% agree with you

Definitely know the rescuer side of me well

Something to work on 👍🏼

Sorry i think you crossed a line. Buying someone else's kids shoes is weird behaviour. It's not like giving them a t shirt because they spilt something. Shoes are worn every day for ages so it should be the parent who gets to choose what they are.

@southwing

You asked:

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

The vast majority of people said they felt you did cross a line and should have handled it differently.

You've responded in a very defensive and quite antagonistic way and I'm unsure why, considering you proactively asked the question did you cross the line and should you have handled it differently.

If you take a step back can you try to see that you've simply had your question answered? It's odd to ask it then be so annoyed with the responses.

Empathy isn't about imagining that everyone should respond how you would, it's understanding why other people might react differently and respecting their reaction.

You kept using the fact that you would have been fine with it as a reason your choice wasn't well received by many people on this thread, rather than taking on board the fact that most of them told you they wouldn't have liked it either.

Personally, I don’t think you’ve overstepped the mark at all and think what you’ve done is lovely.
Clark’s shoes last for a good amount of time and are of good quality, not to mention they would fit her feet much better due to the sizing and widths on offer.
What is the issue with spending a little extra rather than just going to Tesco’s as other replies suggest? At least you know the Clark shoes are actually being used every day and fit perfect to the feet, unlike a random cheap pair of shoes that would most likely be chucked!

It’s £40 at the end of the day. I wouldn’t class these as expensive shoes, nor something to be embarrassed over being given. Why should OP lie? I really don’t see the issue. They are friends, that’s what you do for friends.
I think it was such a kind gesture.

One of my posts was ‘lesson learned’

I get annoyed at the unnecessary rude and judgemental comments

But this AIBU so should have known better

It was a lovely gesture, but the other mum probably felt really embarrassed. A pair of shoes is an essential and she probably felt rubbish knowing you thought she couldn't provide them for her daughter. It sounds as though the dynamics between you have changed somewhat because of it.

Once I was in a shop and forgot my purse but it was only in the car. A lady behind me insisted on paying for my stuff but I didn't really want her to. I said it was fine, I will just run back to the car but she said 'I want to and I can so I will'. Then she tapped her card and paid and I didn't have any choice in the matter. I felt pretty weird about it, like she might have thought I was struggling or something. Or maybe she just wanted me to hurry up!

In your situation maybe you can just bring it up and say you hope she was ok with you buying the shoes.

Twice I explained that the fact I would have been fine is what drove my impulsive decision to do what I did - my actons were not driven by rather virtue signalling. showing off money, humiliating someone as has been suggested

That is normally what humans do

I never said I’m right and Sophie’s mum and everyone else are wrong

From a psychological perspective I agree with you being in the 'rescuer' position here and then when your efforts are not rewarded or acknowledged enough for your liking you slip in to the other roles.

Rescuers in life and that personality type are usually doing it to fulfill a need within themselves, usually down to fact that in the past they have wanted to have been rescued and were not. Although you appear to be helping another, you are in fact helping yourself and fulfilling a need within you, whether that is to be shown gratification, to boost your ego, to want to be the saviour, to want to be liked. There is always a reason why 'rescuers' behave as they do.

Yoy had already been thanked. Do you expect her to fawn all over your generous gift ? It was very generous but you were thanked already?

I would have felt very embarrassed if someone bought shoes for my child, while it came from a good place I would feel an unspoken criticism that I couldn’t provide for my child and I’d struggle to know how to respond.

It gave me joy, the same joy I had when DD was 2 and I bought her clarks for the 1st time.
Is in the OP.
I’m self aware enough, I know my rescuer tendencies and been working on it

Disagree with the persecution part as I’m not criticising Sophie’s mum and did not expect another thank you but know for a fact she was acting weird and thought it was linked to the shoes because of the weird vibe when she gave me the socks back

Genuinely surprised anyone would feel embarassed let alone a good friend but yes I now see it and it is perhaps confirmed that I read the situation correctly and she is probably indeed feeling uncomfortable judging by the majority of responses here

Anyway, hope Sophie keep enjoying the shoes she chose herself and lessons learned

If someone has bought my child shoes I would feel extremely patronised by that person who obviously felt I was too poor to clothe my child properly. It’s a pride thing. I’m not surprised she was off with you. We aren’t talking about treating the kid to some hair clips we are talking about Clark’s shoes which are about £40! Who does that.

@southwing Prime example right there 'it gave me joy', yes I picked up on that in your opening post. 'Me', you wanted it to give you joy.

Persecutor as you are not taking on board what the majority of posters are saying or failing to understand why they feel as they do. Taking to a another level, had you noticed Sophie desperately needed a haircut would you have taken it upon yourself to take her to the hairdressers yourself?