To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Agree. I grew up very poor and always very much appreciated things like this. Specifics aside I'm sure the child appreciated having new shoes without holes.

'I do agree about the global problem of disconnect. However I feel it a lot more in Anglo saxon countries'

You want to be careful about making sweeping negative generalisations based on 'countries'. As I have previously said, it's a bit xenophobic.

You do not buy other children shoes. You help in other ways, support in other ways you 'connect' in other ways (even if one is from an 'Anglo saxon- country').

*you do not buy other children shoes"

We will have to disagree.
I think op did nothing wrong. I think op has done a very kind thing, which I would do as well . You're the one generalising here. I'm not changing my mind cos you say so. Pretty sure the same with you. There's no one rule that applies to everyone and every situation. And as you can see from many replies, I'm the the only one who thinks so.

Lots of interesting outlooks here!

I don't think you should have lied, that would make the situation ten times worse.

I think clearly Mum has taken in a bit of a 'you can't provide for your child and sent her to school in broken shoes so I got some' which clearly wasn't your intention but people can get sensitive about these things. I think a text beforehand would have been best.

In terms of dealing with it now I would send a message saying something like 'Hi, hope you're good you seemed a bit off at the park. It's probably just me being silly/overthinking but I hope I didn't overstep by picking up shoes for Sophie. I knew by the time Dad picked her up from mine there wouldn't be time to go shoe shopping intime for the next day and Clarks isn't far from mine so we just popped in but in hindsight I probably should have dropped you a text. Do you fancy coming over Friday for a cuppa and the girls can play?' Or similar. Kind of acknowledge but in a way that let's her brush it off if she wants to.

Off topic OP but I’m very curious. This couple are living in a mouldy one bedroom flat with two children & she’s pregnant? That’s odd to me.

I don’t know what to think about the shoes. I think it was very well intentioned to be fair to you but a bit clumsy maybe. It’s quite a big gesture to get a child who isn’t related to you shoes.

What it odd about it and what is making you curious?

Why someone would have a third baby in those circumstances. Third babies to me are a luxury in a sense - you have a child, your child has a sibling. If you are struggling financially why go again? Most people I know stopped at two and they’re not struggling they just know children are costly.

They are very religious and don’t believe in artificial birth control and abortion - I don’t think the pregnancy was planned but the way they see it is as God’s intention for them.

As for the flat, they have no other option.

They don’t have British citzenship so can’t apply for housing or other benefits, they came on student visas (people from my country get visas through dodge English schools and if they can’t attend classes they pay the school for the paperwork so they can renew the visa and stay longer, I know many who do that). I’m not sure if the visas run out and if they are illegal.

Dad work three jobs - I think two of them is cash in hand (cleaning, waitrassing, handman) - so very long hours, weekdays and weekends. Mum is sahm.

Dad came first, got settled then mum came with Sophie - she got pregnant with the toddler as soon as she arrived and now pregnant again.

The birthday party was at KFC. Dad bought some buckets and the few kids there shared. The adults didn’t eat.
DD wanted to give her the little pink bag with the gift we bought prior to shoegate - a fluffy pink diary with a little lock and key and a set of colour pens.

Ok, I understand, thanks for explaining. They are in very difficult circumstances.

If they don’t believe in birth control does that mean there will be more pregnancies. I understand they come from a different culture but they do also need to be responsible and make sure that they don’t have more children if they can’t afford to take care of them.
i don’t think having children should be just for the rich and think we should support people to afford families but there should be a limit on it.

their legal situation also sounds very precarious.

It is not about culture, I’m from the same culture and have a completely different outlook in life

It is about faith and religion - I’m from the same country / culture but I don’t follow any religious belief system - and there are many like me in my country / culture

Maybe there are religious people that are English/British that also don’t believe in birth control?

It’s off topic of the original post but if you don’t believe in birth control and can’t afford more children you shouldn’t be having sex. It’s unfair on everyone mostly their existing children.

I think you overstepped but if you were going to do it you really ought to have framed it as having found a pair of your daughters at home that shes grown out of and you forgot to return them in the returns period or as a gift from a grandparent that wont get used and so you are giving them to your Dds friend and no need to give them back and they can keep them or pass on to charity.

I understand that you acted with good intentions. However, I can understand that Sophie's mum felt you crossed a line. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are obviously very kind and empathetic. Let it go