To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

'There is a real problem in the UK on social disconnect. With all due respect, you aren't to tell me what I can or can't say, especially based on where I come from'

There is global problem with 'disconnect' it certainly isn't a UK problem. I've lived and worked overseas and I'm glad to be back in the UK. I certainly haven't noticed a problem specific to here but you and your Mediterranean pals obviously think differently.

Of course you can say what you like, as I am free to correct you. It's a chat forum, opinions will vary.

Same here..... I was a single parent after DH left, mortgage to Pay and bills on one person's income..

I would have felt really uncomfortable had a friend bought my son brand new shoes.

In laws doing it..that's different.

I always bought fitted shoes for DS and they were so expensive- I joked that he was like a horse as he needed ''Shoeing'' almost as frequently

I understand why you did it, @southwing but it might have come across as a tad lady bountiful- even if you didn't mean it to be.

'Posters here are bending over backwards not to "offend"

No, posters are pointing out you don't take it upon yourself to buy another child some shoes. Or a coat, or anything else you think they need.

If there is a neglect issue (not in this case) you go through proper channels.

Other than that you give dry socks and leave it to the parents to clothe their own child.

Sorry but I think you crossed a line. Yes her shoes had broken but it wasn't your place to buy a new pair - especially an expensive new pair. Heading straight to Clarks to replace them when it was probably quicker to just take her to your house as planned, feels like you were making a point. Worst case scenario, you could have phoned and checked first. An emergency would have been being out for the day and the shoes broke, nipping into the nearest shop and buying a cheap replacement. The whole going to Clarks to buy new ones feels a bit..off...to me, this was more about you than her. I can understand mum being angry.

It doesn’t matter how charitable and good the person thought they were being, the recipient did not agree. Just because you think they shouldn’t feel like that doesn’t change how they actually feel. It doesn’t sound like the OP can understand that.

almost caught up with all the comments

just wanted to say that this was not a recent thing - it happened in end of January

I didn’t add this to the original post as trying to stay brief and not add too many unnecessary elements

If it's not even recent OP then what has prompted the thread? Is your friend still keeping her distance?

You did a LOVELY thing OP don't let the haters grind you down!

Lovely, kind, awkward, all in one.

Don't you feel embarrassed about misusing the word 'haters' in this context? Nobody hates the OP. Many posters responded - as requested by the OP - to explain why her friend is blanking her. That's it. No dramaz.

You're friends, OP, not strangers.

People are wankers nowadays and so wrapped up in their egotistical nonsense that they can't see a kind gesture when they see one.

Explain it to your friend. If she can't see that your intentions were good and not judgemental, she's cutting off her nose to spite her face. Life is too short to waste on people like this.

From your point of view:
-you saw a need and met it
-you were sort of repaying (more generously) past generosity over hand-me-down clothes
-you enjoyed being able to give the child something that you knew was important (because it had been to you)
-it is a pleasure to give something to your friend by giving it to her daughter

From her point of view
-buying the shoes shows that you saw the child's needs were being neglected (keeping her from cold and wet is fundamental) and that her parents had let things get this bad. (Anything they bought for themselves or the house etc. looks bad now because their child had such an obvious need unmet.)

-the gift was so generous that she won't be able to match it in the future and has to remain in your debt ...even if you don't feel this

-pride is one of the things you have left even when really down... but it is very hard to preserve at such times.

You didn't do wrong - but sometimes it is hard to accept a charitable right!

If you value your friendship and want to mend things:
-stress the fact that you buying shoes had meaning for you and that you really enjoyed it. (As you have here.)

-Apologise for 'overstepping' in a moment that was pleasure for you -and acknowledge you might have made her uncomfortable.

You can tell her how good it feels to be able to try to match her past generosity and gifts ... because they were given when you needed them.

I'm talking from experience and the company of one who was so very very good at giving gifts that the most prickly proud receiver always felt they were indulging her!

Wow, I’m so surprised by dome of these responses. I think you did a nice thing OP and if Sophie’s mum is upset or offended I’d be surprised too.

ok so now i’m unsure why you started the thread? Surely you’ve spoken to your friend since Jan?

OP let it go. I once gave a winter coat to the 3rd child of a family who were clearly not dressing their kids for the cold weather or even buying them the right size things. The kid wore the coat but the mother never spoke to me again. It is about shame. And pride and I understand it.

If the mum is still being distant with you, then she’s probably still upset about you overstepping by buying the shoes. She might also feel uncomfortable with you doing a personal thing for her child - like you’re playing at being her mum.

As others have said, there was absolutely no need for you to have bought those shoes. The child was supposed to be in your house playing with your DD, which she could have managed perfectly well, not taken on an unplanned and unneeded trip to Clarks where you proceeded to ‘play mum’ with her. How upsetting for her actual mum.

As a previous poster said, how would you feel if your daughter went round to a friend’s house, got wet hair - and the friend’s mum, instead of lending her a towel or a hairdryer, took her to Vidal Sassoon’s to have a haircut. It’s totally inappropriate and unnecessary. You did it for you not the child, and no wonder that has creeped out the mum.

So, how has your friend been with you since?

Surely this is massively relevant to this post!

Such a lovely gesture but I think the mother will be feeling embarrassed and awkward that she sent Sophie to school in a pair of shoes that you thought were so beyond wearing again that they must be immediately replaced. She may have been well aware they did need replacing but could not afford to or she may not have felt they were for the bin yet - either way probably making her feel inferior! Don’t make a habit of this but otherwise I wouldn’t worry as it was a very kind thing to do. Xxx

I don't think you did anything wrong- and I think what you did was very very kind.

I would probably have made up a story like they were spares of your daughters, or that you were buying your daughter a pair and friend really liked them so you just picked a pair up for her too.

Don't overthink it though, her mum was probably just embarrassed.

Just to add to my post- things have been a bit tight for me in the last year. I have a friend who has a son just a bit older than me and she was giving me a lot of hand me downs of her sons, jackets etc- it was very kind of her but things aren't so tight that I can't afford a winter coat when needed.
She makes a big song and dance of it though and comments every time my children wear something she's given them- and even pointed out to a neighbour who had asked if I wanted to buy some of her sons clothes (designer) that she gives me things so I probably couldn't afford it - that made me livid.

I'd just make sure you don't mention it or make notice of it again which might be more embarrassing for her (it doesn't sound like you do of course).

The huge majority of replies are telling you that you were unreasonable and kinda patronising, replies that you asked for on an open forum.

Instead of taking and learning from that feedback you get defensive and borderline rude because YOU ARE RIGHT.

You sound like hard work - no wonder your "friend" got upset.

I think what the Op isn't understanding is that it isn't necessarily the actual buying of the shoes, but how it was done.
And her Op is all about the pleasure it brought her, nothing about thinking of the little girl or her parents. The fact she doesn't say how delighted "Sophie" was says that either Sophie wasn't, or that at any rate it is irrelevant whether she liked it or not because what matters is the Op's pleasure.

There are 101 ways of gifting a little girl a pair of new shoes without looking patronising. Handing them over with a box and making it clear that she'd noticed her shoes were leaking is not one of them.

"Had these shoes given to me, and we're not going to use them, I wondered if you could?" is the easiest, but there's so many ways of not giving it over with a fanfare, even pretending she's had a buy one get one free voucher from a scheme or something, or she did something that broke the shoes (dog grabbed them out of her hand?) so felt so guilty she had to buy more ones.

It makes me laugh, all these people judging you, calling you names and assuming things about you yet they are missing the irony that they are actually acting worse than they accuse you of! Yes it might of been done on impulse but it was a genuinely nice gesture done with absolutely NO malicious intent while these people are purposefully being horrible and trying to make you feel bad about it! Yes, you admit you maybe should of texted her first, you admit that while you don't understand why anyone would be embarrassed you do see that your friend may feel that way. Personally I think she is embarrassed because she must of known her daughters shoes were badly worn, the soles of shoes don't drop off in one day. Buying her daughter new ones would make her realise she should of done it and maybe couldn't 😔 But you are not a bad person, and judging by some of these comments you're better than some!

'Yes it might of been done on impulse but it was a genuinely nice gesture done with absolutely NO malicious intent while these people are purposefully being horrible and trying to make you feel bad about it! Yes, you admit you maybe should of texted her first'

It doesn't matter that she might have done it on impulse, she shouldn't have. She of course should have texted first. You don't go wading in busybodying like this. Tact and diplomacy are basic societal norms. The op should have provided dry socks, mentioned the wet feet and left it at that.

It's interesting you use the words I'm free to "correct" you :) that's patronising. I can be patronising too you see, and tell you I'm "correcting" you. But this leads us nowhere.

I do agree about the global problem of disconnect. However I feel it a lot more in Anglo saxon countries. Also wanted to highlight I never mentioned brits not being compassionate. Generalisations are terrible, but British society tends to be compassionate. What I have an issue with is the fear of offending having gone mad, that results in compliance. And let's be honest, it's the easy thing to do, not taking any action. So people find all sorts of excuses not to intervene. Maybe it's also a fear of confrontation, I don't know.