To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

It’s all part of the same thing though. You said you wouldn’t feel embarrassed but there are loads of people on here saying they would feel that way. Rather than acknowledge that your friend might have felt embarrassed and you have overstepped, you’re adamant that you are right in the way you feel. It’s dismissive of others.

Thing is it feels really shameful to not be able to buy your kids proper shoes.
I used to feel desperately ashamed when I couldn't afford new shoes for them. I would have DIED if a richer mum had done that and expected thanks.

However, an anonymous Clarks voucher would have gone down like a sparkly dream.

I do think there is a difference between having a heart to heart with a friend about a difficult financial situation (for emotional support) and being forced to accept something from them.

When I separated from my H my financial situation was dire initially and caused me anxiety. I confided in a couple of close friends and they offered to lend me money, which I declined as I had money coming in down the line it was just tough in the moment.

It was absolutely lovely of them to offer and I really appreciated it. But if they had bought something for my child that couldn't be refused or returned because my child had worn it it would have upset me.

So, as I say, there's a difference between sharing a problem by talking and forcing an act on someone.

I do not doubt that your motivation came from a lovely place, at all. But you posted looking for answers so I'm just sharing how I would have felt if I were your friend.

Am sure you meant well but I would be mortified ! My kids have gone out in poor shoes now and then for various reasons ( usually because they LIKE those ones !!!) and if they had come home from a friend's house with new shoes plus box to show they were new I would have been so embarrassed.

If you wanted to help you could have posted them some cash anonymously or similar . It seems very showy also !

You are trying to make an argument that doesn’t exist

As I said I am surprised that so many people here would feel embarassed - I understand now that is how Sophie’s mum might be feeling. I will not lie and say I understand because I dont. I accept. Of course ppl are different. But I dont understand.

I’m sure the dad did not feel embarassed. I saw him face to face and handed him the box. He was thankful and ver ok with it all.

No point not giving the box. Nothing to do with showing off the price. Anyone can find the price online.

Also Sophie can speak. Whatever lie I saud - not that lying even crossed my mind - would be outed by Sophie telling her parents that I took her to the shops to buy a new pair of shoes. Or maybe should I have told Sophie to lie to her parents too?

And I hope that I never change about not feeling embarassed and I’m thankful I’m this way

It's such a weird thing to do, imho. If you want to help a family financially you don't go via their kid. It puts the kid in a strange position as well as the parents. I don't see why you had to replace the shoes at all. They were school shoes, you picked up from school so the parents presumably didn't know the shoes had broken during the day. The dad picked up later, just carry the kid to the car as no shoes, job done. Or if they are walking/getting the bus etc, you text and say "hi, Sophie's shoes gave up today so she's nothing to use for the journey home, do you want to bring her trainers or should I lend her some of DD's?" etc

DS's almost wore through on the sole and had split around the ankle already. He requested the exact same trainers when I offered to buy him new ones after a year. He wears nothing else outside of school so they get plenty of wear. The new ones stayed in the box for another year before he finally let me throw out the old ones. He insisted they were still fine!

And who told you they have a car?

You're mates. So ask her! Tell her you didn't mean any offence and you were going anyway.

I would be mortified if someone did this. I've missed DDs shoes giving way before and when I have noticed we've replaced. DD seems to keep the shoes even after the sole flip flops. If someone noticed before me, went to Clark's of all bloody places and wouldn't let me pay I'd be pulling away out of embarrassment and I'm not embarrassed easily.

You need to tell her you didn't mean to overstep.

And you accused me of trying to be argumentative! 😂

Ah
I posted before reading the whole thing, apologies

When I did this (bought new shoes / coat for a child), I passed them off as a pair I bought in the sale for dd to grow into and she’d skipped a size / I was given them and they didn’t fit dd.

You over stepped. Playing lady bountiful probably made you feel good but I expect it made your mate feel like shit.

Maybe you should have texted her? But in all honesty if doing a nice thing for someone because it brings you joy and is given freely without thought of return becomes a crappy thing to do because it might make someone feel bad we should admit we’re done as a species.

You need to stop focusing on the posters suggesting you would have been better to lie about where the shoes came from. You didn't need to tell any lies. You just didn't have to buy an expensive pair of school shoes. I cannot believe that a Clarks is closer than any supermarket that sells clothing or shoes. And if so you should have still gone to one. A cheap pair of shoes was the more appropriate purchase in this situation and likely wouldn't have caused any perceived embarrassment.

Unfortunately with DD’s the exact ones aren’t available. This years version of them is not acceptable. Kids!

People will probably now say I’m trying to project a certain image but lying never cross my mind

And

Sophie woud sure debunk my lie?

And

Yes I acted on impulse based on my own world view and experiences and wrongly assumed I knew Sophie’s mum better than I probably do so…

Will keep to myself and put it behind

Hopefully they know me enough to know I was not trying to humiliate or judge

If you're as close as you say then I don't see why you didn't text her mum to ask her what she wanted you to do. She might have already ordered a pair online.

Why not talk to her about it? You keep saying how close you are so what's the issue?

You did nothing wrong. Maybe when her Dad collected her you might have said something along lines of 'to thank you both for giving my DD some of Sophie's clothes'.

You are a great person, @southwing

I would have felt very embarrassed and a bit of a charity case if you had done that to me! You would have made her feel like a failure.

Nope. I would have hated that. Schools shoes get old. I live a busy life. These jobs are saved for online where possible or weekends.
I think you massively overstepped the mark. I would be mortified if I were the mum

I get that and I say thank you when they give me the clothes of course and the clothes are already from charity shop and hand me downs - it is not like DD is inheriting Sophie’s expensive wardrobe so - - it did not cross my mind because - - the shoes were not in exchange from clothes…make sense?

In our circle we are giving each other clothes for the kids all the time - I do a lot less because DD is the smallest and an only child - all her friend’s younger sibilings are boys bar one, so once DD is done with the clothes it goes to charity shop or this one other child who already gets hand me downs from her own sibiling

Lesson learned.

Massive virtue signalling fail.