To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Okay so to go to tesco or asda it would have been a longer trip, clarks was much closer and convinient to me

No, it didn’t cross my mind I should lie / make an excuse

And

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow.

I woud not have any negative feelings at all. I have been in dire straights to the point that I even got 2nd hand tights and (brand new) underwear as well as a lot of other 2nd hand clothes for me, for DD and stuff for the house from friens (mutual friend with Sophie’s mum) and also food.

Never felt embarassed, not even for one second.

YANBU her shoes were falling apart, you couldn’t send her home in wet socks. Personally I think this takes precedence over Mum’s pride. They are part of your community, doing something small for another member of your community shouldn’t be a big thing or something that is actively discouraged.

A supermarket purchase with a "no you don't owe me anything, it's nothing compared to what I've saved from all the clothes you've given us!" I could feel happy with. It being expensive shoes would make me feel judged.

Good for you that you weren’t embarrassed. Can you see from this thread that you might be the minority?

I think I would’ve done something along the lines of

buy a pair of shoes

lie to the parents and say we had them spare in the back of the cupboard / they didn’t fit anyone in our house / they were given to me but I haven’t used them… and that the girl is welcome to them but no pressure if they just want a short lend

I don’t think I would have said I’d bought them and handed over the Clark’s packaging

Massively overstepped.

Good for you. It's not about you. Plenty of others have stated they would be and have also explained why.

It was kind but I would spend a long time after anxious that you thought I couldn't look after her and that you had told other people. I also would have forced the money on you to pay you back. I really wouldn't be happy

I'd have lied and said dd had been given them and they didn't fir or similar. Handing them over with the packaging made it look like you were playing Lady Bountiful and wanted credit.
Obviously you'd had to take you dd to buy shoes and that's why you were in Clarks, so you'd measured the other girl's feet for fun while you waited then you remembered those ones your cousin passed on that were hardly used.. .

I just wondered if you were originally from another culture?

The way you wrote your post reminds me of some of the syntax my Lithuanian friend uses when writing.

The reason I ask is because my Lithuanian friend is extremely generous and giving and this seems to be a cultural thing way beyond British social norms. I just wondered if there was a cultural thing at play. British people can be really awkward.

I’m honestly surprise about how many people would feel embarassed / judged / humiliated if the same happened to them…wow.

I mean it's great you didn't feel embarrassed but surely you can see why this situation has played out the way it has. Very few people would feel this was done from a positive place without judgement from you even more so because of the type of shoes you chose. I'm also really surprised that a Clarks was the closest option compared to a supermarket or somewhere you would have paid much less.

If they were much too big for your dd you could have said you were given them but it would be ages before they'd fit your dd anyway.

Wow, you are so unreasonable. As you have said choosing shoes is a big deal for you, probably for your friend too. Maybe she wanted to get her different shoes, not the same as before, going shoe shopping is a fun thing to do with your parents at that age.

My toddler has shoes that are about to conk out (they have others, but prefer to knacker out one pair at a time), they wear them for nursery and I’ll get some more accordingly. I would be completely weirded out if someone bought them shoes and had never discussed it with me.

You say you’d be fine with it, but a lot of people here are saying they would not be. Do you generally lack empathy?

Being given second hand clothes and hand-me-downs is very different from what you did. That is very normal between friends. Buying brand new, expensive shoes isn’t.

One last post from me

I did not expect another thank you
I was confused as to the change in her demenour especially when giving the socks back

Also I mentioned them struggling CoL to illustrate that there is no secret about it - they are very open about it to everyone as they are very fearful of becoming homeless yet very unhappy to be in a 1 bedroom flat covered in damp.

And you clearly do expect something in return. You want both parents to acknowledge your 'generous gift'. You've then come to MN to complain that you weren't fawned over suitably by both parents for a 'gift' they didn't ask for and possibly want or need. Don't you see that?

If a friend had bought a pair of shoes for my dc when they needed a pair, I’d have been v grateful even if embarrassed. But the gratefulness would exceed the embarrassment factor.

So should I have made DD show up empty handed and spoil her excitment of giving her friend the gift she helped choose, buy and wrap BEFORE shoegate?

Really?

I'd have lied tbh. Wouldn't have bought a pair that day, but if I wanted to discretely help I might have got a pair a size up from the old ones, and offered them over saying I'd grabbed them super cheap at an outlet/in the sale but they'd not fit my DC and I was wanting rid of them.

A lady I know once managed to rig a pta competition to ensure a struggling single mum won a full set of new uniform (they'd had the local uniform shop donate it as a prize).

@Guavafish1 massive over reaction

Ok so you sounded lovely but now I'm unsure after your latest post. You shouldn't have bought any shoes at all, why did you need to? Where you going somewhere after school or did you just pick her up and take her back to your home?

Just because YOU may not have felt embarrassed in this situation means nothing, surely you can see you are in a minority, and in fact this would make a lot of parents feel this way.

Thanks goodness for the way I am and I hope this never changes

Hmmm tricky one. My DD’s trainers are nearly down to the sole. I’ve bought her two other pairs but she loves the old ones so keeps putting them on. I would be mortified in this mum’s situation tbh.

I have to admit your posts are coming across as very self centred. Surely you can see why this women feels the way she does and why the tone of the friendship has changed.

@southwing

Some mad posts on here.

it might have embarassed her a bit, but she'll get over it. Sophie will have the school shoes she needed and dry feet 😊

she'll appreciate not having to replace Sophie's school shoes.