To have bought this child school shoes?

[southwing]

I will try to be comprehensive and hopefully not drip feed later.

DD’s best friend (let’s call her Sophie) come to playdates and sleep overs very often. They are both in Y1 but different schools.

Sophie’s mum is pregnant and have a toddler and dad work very long hours. I’m good friends with them.

One day I picked up Sophie from her school on a Friday and noticed that her old shoes finally gave in, the soles were open and her socks completely wet.

I then took Sophie and DD to Clarks and bought Sophie a new pair, very similar to the one she had before.

Later that night when her dad came to pick her up, she was wearing the new shoes with DD’s socks and I handed dad the box with the old shoes and the wet socks inside. He asked me how much he owned me and I said it was a gift since Sophie’s birthday was on Sunday. He was very thankful.

We went to Sophie’s birthday on Sunday and brought another little gift we had already bought well in advance. Nothing was said about the shoes.

Roll on to the following week, Sophie’s mum asks me to meet after school on the nearby playground. There she hands me DD’s socks back and says absolutely nothing about the shoes. At all. And she seems crossed for some reason, definetely acting weird.

Now I was not expecting a song and dance nor even another thank you but I find the lack of acknowledgement from her a bit weird. Now she is acting different.

Did I cross a line or is it in my head?

The reasons I gifited the shoe is because

• it was my idea that I acted upon before consulting them so not fair to ask for money back
• I know how much they are struggling with CoL, they are very open about it. They are living in a mouldy 1 bedroom flat and fighting against the LL who is talking about eviction
• I’m in a better position financially and the cost of the shoes will not affect me in any way

I remember when DD was a toddler and I had to buy her shoes from shoezone. My dream was being able to afford a little pair of clarks for her. I used to raid the charity shops but never found the right size. The day I was able to buy DD her very 1st pair of clark shoes was for her 2 year birthday and brought me do much joy!
Doing it for Sophie brought me the same kind of joy. I was genuinely happy to have the opportunity to do it for her.

Should I have done anything differently? I’m thinking maybe texting Sophie’s mum before buying the shoes?

Yes I think you crossed a line but you meant well. I imagine the mum is a bit embarrassed and feels judged.

You might have softened the blow a bit by making an excuse to say something like you had a spare pair that didn't fit your DD and they would be doing you a favour if they kept them.

I think I'd have been a bit mortified if a friend did this tbh

I think what you did was very lovely. There have been times in my life I would have felt very thankful for someone doing that for my dc.

It will likely all blow over. Maybe just initially a bit hard due to embarrassment or maybe it made the parents have cross words.

You overstepped. You don’t buy clothes or shoes for another child like that - they are basic necessities and makes it look like you think the child is neglected.

This for me, really not your place to assume.

Your heart was in the right place but you should've at least acknowledged it and had a small chat with her. Lie about having them in the cupboard as someone gave you the wrong size, anything. Or even give your DDs old ones and buy your DD a new pair if they're the same size. Leaving it like you did is the problem really. It's so awkward to think you've spent quite a bit on them tbh. You're very kind though, it's just a bit tricky to navigate these things. I feel you.

I'd have done it differently, like said "oh her shoes was soaked, we'd an old pair of DDs that fit". Then when they offered to return etc id say oh nah, no need, we were going to shove them in the pile for bags for school anyway or whatever, get a bit of use out of them if you can, waste not want not".

Sophie’s old shoes were clark and she is a lot bigger than DD so although DD’s socks fit Sophie, DD’s shoes wouldn’t so no way I could lend a pair.

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.
That is the level of friendship we have.

Sorry but I agree with this. I’d be mortified if I was that mum.

Yikes, I think you MASSIVELY overstepped there.

Poor women is probably absolutely fucking mortified and believes you think she can't afford to adequately provide for her child. I think you've massively crossed the line.

Yes, I think you needed to go about it differently to avoid embarrassment. Even when the person knows it's an act it's better than obvious charity.

She’s stuck isn’t she.

she knows she should thank you and offer to reimburse, but if they don’t have the money she will be worried you might accept and then what?

but if she says nothing she knows she’s coming across as ungrateful or rude…

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.
That is the level of friendship we have.

This is not the same. I have passed on things to friends/family that my kids have grown out of but I wouldn’t take it upon myself to buy someone else’s child new school shoes.

You’re reiterating how close you are to them but you won’t talk to them, why?

If you know them that well you should know how they’d feel about something like this.

I think you overstepped hugely and I’d have been very annoyed. I don’t think you’ll accept that though, despite plenty of people saying so.

I think it's a bit odd to be honest. You could have just picked up a cheapy pair of leisure shoes/trainers from Asda etc to tide her over, and then her parents would be able to buy her school shoes. I'd feel like you were hinting at something. I don't think you need to make comment on how they're struggling with the COL. That part of your post has the feel of a superior air about it.

I think yabu, especially to expect two lots of thank yous.

I'd have felt quite irritated by anyone doing this for my kids, except possibly a close relative.

You've created an imbalance in the obligation dynamic. I know that sounds like word salad but I don't know how to phrase it any other way.

She's now obliged to you. In a subtle way, you're no longer exactly equals in the friendship.

It will take quite a while for the balance to be restored, and that will be accelerated if everyone moves on and forgets this happened, which is what the mum is doing

Your heart was absolutely in the right place. I 100% think your mistake was actually bring ANOTHER gift to the party. That took the focus off the shoes being a bday gift and more a charity case...

I think you did a really good thing, I’d have been very grateful in their position. As you already share stuff, I can’t see the issue.

Also DD even gets some 2nd hand clothes from Sophie, as she is bigger.

I'd have mentioned that then, act like it was to repay them, though Clarks were likely a bit pricey for that.

My mother in law would take it upon herself to buy my children coats and shoes that she decided they needed…neither the kids or me liked what she chose and then she expected us to be grateful for it. She probably told her friends how wonderful she was for doing it as well. Maybe she’d have posted about it on the internet if she had known how to.

If you get a lot of hand me downs could you gloss it over by saying you owed them for everything they’ve given you?

maybe be honest and say you realise you might have overstepped and should have asked but you did it because you wanted to and because it made you happy to buy shoes?

my mil used to buy a lot for dd, took me ages to realise she did it because she liked spending money on her grandchild, not that she thought she needed new stuff or anything. We let her do it because it brought her joy.

I think your intentions were kind but in Sophie's mum's position I would be mortified. I think not saying anything and moving past it is the best thing to do. Dad thanked you, you shouldn't expect anything from mum if you did it for genuine reasons.

What you did is very kind and thoughtful, but I agree with PP here, I do think this is too much and crossing the line.

It could imply that you think the family are struggling and can't afford to buy new school shoes. I think if it was me I would have been embarrassed in this situation and the only person I wouldn't mind doing this is my parents.

Her mum might be embarrassed or annoyed but doesn't know how to bring this up, so she's kept quiet. Hopefully it doesn't affect the friendship going forward

I think you crossed the line.

I would not talk to you again