To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

Sorry, OP, I think it's fair enough that she wants to meet you given you might be spending time with her children. What was the circumstances behind your meeting her accidentally and it not being great?

She doesn't get to allow anything.

What if she meets you for half an hour and doesn't approve? What will she learn in this meeting exactly?

I wouldn't meet her either tbh.

Of course she doesn't want her children to spend time (potentially even unsupervised by her ex) with a virtual stranger.

I can see your side too, but it must be super tough on her - and the kids, too.

Do it graciously. Surely it's win win all round

I would meet her but public place . Can reduce drama .

she doesn’t get to control who he sees but may make a more harmonious relationship which is better for the children.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. She wants to gauge who her children are spending time with.

Showing the children’s mother that you’re kind, sane and actually a nice person is a win for everyone, surely? Is it so hard?

I actually think if you do this it could make the dynamics of the relationship run better long term. She understandably wants to know who her kids are spending time with.

You don't have to do anything but I feel it would be the right thing to do.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first

How is she going to stop him especially if it's 50/50?

Tricky one.
She isn't entitled to ask this but I have sympathy for you both.
My DH's ex never asked to meet me because she trusted the judgement of her ex not to introduce someone awful to their kids. Saying that she and I have always been friendly and respectful of each other. Which I think makes for easier long term relationships - and importantly makes the kids lives smoother.
Before you bristle at the suggestion - think about this relationship in the longer term.
I wouldn't agree to a separate meeting but maybe agree a time that you could briefly meet - perhaps if she drops the kids off (do they know about you at all?) you could be there and say hello to everyone.
How old are the children?

I don't know why you wouldn't want to meet her. They're co-parenting so she'll be a part of your life whether you like it or not, and surely it'll make your life easier if you don't have this layer of refusal-to-meet hostility in it?

And obviously I can see why she wants to meet you.

At the very worst you'll have an awkward hour or two. You may not like each other even after that but it's not as if you're being asked to hang out regularly. Choose a neutral meeting place like a cafe, go in with an open mind, grit your teeth if you have to. The goal is for everyone to be that little bit more trusting of each other.

I would want to know what the plan is afterwards. What are her criteria for deciding if you are suitable or not? And what happens if she doesn't like you? While I understand that she doesn't like the idea of her kids spending time with a stranger, it could end up like that she is the one deciding over the future of your relationship with her ex. I would talk to your ex about what this meeting actually will mean before you meet up.

She can't stop him from introducing you to their children. But I think you'd be incredibly childish, and would make life a lot more difficult for both your boyfriend and his children, if you don't agree to meet her.

You have kids yourself, so I'm sure you can understand why she might feel a bit uncomfortable about her children spending a lot of time with some who is effectively a complete stranger to her. You're making the situation a lot more difficult for everyone than it really needs to be.

I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone

How long had they been separated? Or were they still together at that time, by any chance?

I have never met my DH's ex-wife and I've lived with their kids 50/50 for 5 years. Absolutely no need. I've also never met up with my own kids step-mother. I trust their father's judgement.

You don’t get to date someone with kids and pretend he doesn’t have them.

Completely reasonable of her. I’d feel the same.

too early to be meeting kids anyway ?

I wonder how many mums formally introduce their boyfriend to their ex, so their ex cam decide they are ok?

It's a good thing to do in time, and if the relationship has legs it'll eventually happen because it would be impractical for it not to, but not too get their approval!

Meet up. You will all have to share a room at some point for birthdays, school plays, etc, so best to get it over with.

As said above, married for almost 5 years. Never met the ex, so it doesn't go hand in hand that it will eventually happen.

She is within her rights to want to know who her children are interacting with, however its dad's decision who the children spend time with in his 50%. That's the responsibility of being a parent. He needs to step up and make the case that its his decision what happens. However - he also needs to be thinking of his children and not introducing them to woman that he starts something with; you've been seeing each other a few months - no way should he be introducing you to his children. Unless hes looking to substitute you in quick and fast as the domestic goddess in his household which in itself is worrying.

I'd only be wanting an introduction to the children if i thought this was a relationship that could go the distance. So i wouldn't want to be meeting the kids after a few months.

Firstly, she cannot stop your ex introducing HIS children to you.

But a few months in is - in my opinion - far too early. I met my now DSC after 10 months and knowing the relationship was serious.

However, I did choose to meet DH’s ex, it was actually my suggestion. I think it’s the mature thing to do. It made life much easier between us all.

I can understand not doing it now, but I think it would be the adult move when the time is right.

I have to say I think she’s well within her rights as a parent to be honest.

First of all, you’ve only been together for a few months which is way too soon to be introducing to kids. If my husband and I split up I wouldn’t be happy with him introducing every girlfriend he went on a few dates with to our children and I know he would feel the same about me. Long term partners, yes, but after a few months? Absolutely not. Children don’t need to be involved in their parents respective dating lives.

Second, I actually don’t think she’s wrong to want to meet you before she’s happy for her children to spend half of their lives with you. Children are the most precious thing in your life, trusting other people with them is hard! I mean God, I wouldn’t even leave our dog with a sitter that I hadn’t met myself before nevermind my children.

Also I just don’t see what the issue is, if I was single again now and dating a man with kids I wouldn’t have any issue at all meeting their mum if that made her would feel more comfortable about her children spending time with me.

She can ask all she likes but it's none of her business who her ex dates or has around her children.