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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not meet my bf’s ex

255 replies

Songsforlittles · 20/03/2024 11:44

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
WhoaJayShettybambalam · 20/03/2024 19:22

However, I also think she is not his mum

I find this such a strange thing to say.

HebburnPokemon · 20/03/2024 19:28

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 20/03/2024 19:22

However, I also think she is not his mum

I find this such a strange thing to say.

I don’t find it strange.

She has no power over him and cannot dictate anything in the way a parent might. By threatening him, she is trying to position herself as some kind of authority figure.

Dweetfidilove · 20/03/2024 19:45

I can see why she’d like to meet you, but also why you wouldn’t want to meet her.
Threats around withholding contact makes me wonder if she’s stable.

Either way it seems like she’ll be a nuisance, so you can probably tick the meeting off the sheet, then get back to avoiding her if she turns out to be unreasonable.

Mmhmmn · 20/03/2024 19:52

Understandable that she wants to know who her kids are spending time with. It’s only responsible of her. You don’t have to agree to an unbounded amount of time though. Give it an hour in neutral location and then you’ve got other plans/commitments to get to 🙂

littleburn · 20/03/2024 19:53

I'm divorced and both my ex and I have new partners. We've all met, but in a casual way. No one demanded to assess the others partner! However, I would say my ex and I both put our DC first and so both trust each other in our choice of partners in that regard.

So I think a lot depends on where she's coming from with the request. Is it out of genuine concern as a mum, or is she hurt or angry and this is her way of exerting a bit of power? If it's the latter, I'd wager there's a high chance she'll take a dislike to you anyway and announce she doesn't want you spending any time with her kids, as she knows it'll disrupt your relationship, given the 50/50 custody.

Saymyname28 · 20/03/2024 20:08

No I don't think she gets to assess you and decide if her ex is allowed to date you.

She can't stop him introducing you to the kids. She can't stop his contact with his children becuase he has a girlfriend. I think it's a good idea to put boundaries in place. She doesn't get that level of control over her exes life. Even if she has kids with him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:14

Hecatoncheires · 20/03/2024 11:45

Sorry, OP, I think it's fair enough that she wants to meet you given you might be spending time with her children. What was the circumstances behind your meeting her accidentally and it not being great?

I disagree with this. Especially as the ex has said 'I won't allow kids to spend time' rather than 'I would really like to meet her first please can you respect this and introduce us.'

Parents introduce children to people all the time it's on them to have the judgement about the right timing.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:15

readingismycardio · 20/03/2024 11:47

Of course she doesn't want her children to spend time (potentially even unsupervised by her ex) with a virtual stranger.

If op's partner had a new friend from the gym or a new tennis coach for the kids or auntie brought her friend from work over for a visit would the ex get to have a say on that?

Just because it's a romantic relationship doesn't mean the ex has any right to get involved

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:17

I wonder what she plans to say to you? Lay down a few rules about what you can and can't do with the kids? I really wouldn't agree to this and I am in the position of the ex

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:18

Hoplolly · 20/03/2024 12:43

I have never met my DH's ex-wife and I've lived with their kids 50/50 for 5 years. Absolutely no need. I've also never met up with my own kids step-mother. I trust their father's judgement.

What happens at the children's bday parties?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:23

Bobbotgegrinch · 20/03/2024 14:48

Given that you've only been going out a few months, how are you even at the meeting the kids stage yet? Seems awfully fast.

Why? If they're just 'meeting' it's fine surely?
It's a different thing to meet and go bowling or to a family BBQ or something (ie introduce her gradually) than having her sleepover all the time being there for family breakfast etc- that level of intimacy should come much later. But it's nice for the kids to know who their dad is hanging out with in his spare time and it will seem much less of a shock if they do decide to combine households down the line.
Imagine if op waited 2-3 years to meet the kids and then met them and they didn't get on, she'd have wasted so much of her life as they'd have to split then

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:25

Unreasonablyextravagant · 20/03/2024 15:53

I’m on the other side of this and I feel incredibly uncomfortable that I could meet ex’s new girlfriend / partner in the street, and I wouldn’t recognise her.

I would like to meet her, informally, perhaps when dropping off / collecting the kids and have told ex this, but so far it’s not forthcoming. I’m not sure who on their side is resistant or if it just hasn’t naturally occurred.

Its not in any way about judgement or control, more that it doesn’t sit well with me that this person is becoming more significant in the kids lives, and is comfortable enough to shower my 6yo DD, but I could walk past her without realising.

I trust their father and we have 50/50 care, and I really think it’s better for all parties to be able to cross paths and be friendly. If it’s relevant ex has met my partner, it was awkward at first but is slowly getting easier and it makes it so much more pleasant for the adults and the kids.

I don’t think it’s a big ask to be honest.

I would want to agree ground rules with the ex like the intimate bathing and dressing is only done by parents. No way would I let a boyfriend see my son naked- you never know- and boundaries are very important.

Saying that though, if she was at school and needed changing after wetting herself it would be a school dinner lady that you've never met and never will that your daughter might know well and love that would be helping her change and get dry. Your daughter will have many adults in her life that are important to her that you don't know as she grows up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:27

grinandslothit · 20/03/2024 16:24

You're being a bit weird about something that would be a normal situation. Was there cheating involved. Has your boyfriend painted her out to be some sort of a monster?

Would you want your children spending time with a stranger you've never met?

It happens all the time at schools and clubs

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 20:29

Saymyname28 · 20/03/2024 20:08

No I don't think she gets to assess you and decide if her ex is allowed to date you.

She can't stop him introducing you to the kids. She can't stop his contact with his children becuase he has a girlfriend. I think it's a good idea to put boundaries in place. She doesn't get that level of control over her exes life. Even if she has kids with him.

I agree.

Hoplolly · 20/03/2024 20:40

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Two parties/birthday celebrations or whatever you want to call it. Same for when DC to be fair.

PlumbersWifey · 20/03/2024 20:46

Yanbu I wouldn't meet her. She's just trying to be difficult. Who they see in the time with their dad is not her business. She just wants control.

Onceuponatimeiwasahoe · 20/03/2024 21:53

I've had this situation and the woman had been rude about me twice (which I heard and done nothing to her) then demanded to meet me, I declined because of her behaviour
It is a control thing I believe. Dad is 50%

schoolsuckz · 20/03/2024 22:06

This thread is a perfect illustration of why asking to meet a new partner is a great strategy as a mum (and offering is a great strategy as an ex or new partner)… It also shows really clearly how much people project their own motives onto others, and how much you can therefore learn from what they say.

There are a significant number of people here who view this issue pragmatically, see the potential benefits and clearly appreciate that for most children the less friction amongst the adults in their lives the more pleasant things are.

There are also a significant number whose response is defensive / borderline (or not even borderline) aggressive. As if everything in life is about ‘rights’ and whether you can be ‘made’ to do something by law, never mind just having a decent moral compass, a sliver of generosity, an ounce of common sense - or a desire to empathise with your partner, their children or (gasp!) their ex.

I know which group I’d prefer my children were spending time with.

(Also genuinely it’s great when you can trust your ex’s judgement. But sadly it’s not always the case. I have one whose judgement I wouldn’t trust for a minute and for good reason. If he had a gf of only a few months she would have no idea what would be coming to her - but she might find it incredibly useful to have even a glancing relationship with me down the track so, when the scales eventually fall from her eyes, she can ask someone who has been there if she’s losing her mind or not…)

OVienna · 20/03/2024 22:09

sonjadog · 20/03/2024 11:56

I would want to know what the plan is afterwards. What are her criteria for deciding if you are suitable or not? And what happens if she doesn't like you? While I understand that she doesn't like the idea of her kids spending time with a stranger, it could end up like that she is the one deciding over the future of your relationship with her ex. I would talk to your ex about what this meeting actually will mean before you meet up.

This.

GrumpyPanda · 20/03/2024 22:15

StrawberryTwister · 20/03/2024 16:27

Yes! Was coming on to say the same thing! This thread is the opposite to any I've ever seen, if this was "my ex wants to meet my new partner before the kids do" op would be told her ex is controlling 🙃

Show quote history

Ah but you see this is about a potential stepmum, and they're devil incarnate on MN.

Babyboomtastic · 20/03/2024 23:50

What do people think of a new boyfriend meeting the children's dad so that he can "ok" him) the relationship?

Have any posters here done that with new boyfriends, so they can be sure that the new bloke their ex is dating can see the kids?

Stormbornform · 20/03/2024 23:50

I think that's reasonable. I would want to meet you too if that was me.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 21/03/2024 06:13

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone

And this is the real problem.

"She will not allow him"

The issue here isn't her wanting to meet you, it's thinking she's the authority who decides what happens to the children at his house and you all need to pander to this invented authority.

I would actually refuse to ensure she knows you won't be pandering to her. Because once you start the dynamic that she can demand things she's not entitled too, with the children as ransom, it's going to be a shit time ahead.

Where is your DP in this? He's the equal 50/50 parent, why is he even entertaining this notion that she thinks she can tell him who is around the children on his time? He needs to tell her that if and when a meeting is appropriate, he'll let her know, and he'll take her to court if she tries to fuck about with the children because she hasn't got her own way. The courts will not entertain this crap from her. Neither should he. So why is he?

scrivette · 21/03/2024 06:38

I would want to meet beforehand.

DH's ex wanted to meet me when I was meeting her DS for the first time and do you know what, we got on really really well and became friends.

Some people used to find it strange that we would spend time together - but it's much better for all concerned that we all got on.

Picklestop · 21/03/2024 07:11

scrivette · 21/03/2024 06:38

I would want to meet beforehand.

DH's ex wanted to meet me when I was meeting her DS for the first time and do you know what, we got on really really well and became friends.

Some people used to find it strange that we would spend time together - but it's much better for all concerned that we all got on.

I am sure it is better that you all get on. That does not mean either ex gets to interview the new partners of the other and can veto their relationship.