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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not meet my bf’s ex

255 replies

Songsforlittles · 20/03/2024 11:44

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
UrsulaBelle · 21/03/2024 12:20

I have never met my exH's partner. She was the OW and now his wife and we divorced 13 years ago. She didn't meet my DC (8,11 and 13 at the time) for 6 months, even though exH moved in with her, which I thought was reasonable. I have absolutely no wish to meet her. I haven't even see my exH for 12 years! For me it was necessary to keep them at arm's length to protect my mental health at that time. For your partner's ex it may well be that she's concerned who her DC are spending time with, rather than wanting to control him, but it's really none of her business while they are with their dad, IMO.

It's one of the sad things about being separated, that you no longer have control over parts of your DC's lives, but that happens when they are at school, when they choose their own friends etc, anyway. My DC weren't very young though. I'd be more sympathetic if your DP's DC were much younger.

Lotsofsnacks · 21/03/2024 12:55

Why meet the kids so soon, you’ve only been together a few months. I think it’s best to wait until you’re sure the relationship is solid, before you even entertain this. Then you can think about meeting the ex.

SD1978 · 21/03/2024 13:14

I disagree that you are obliged to or should be expected to do this. Both of them need to trust that they are making good choices with future partners. What the hell is an uncomfortable 30 minute meeting going to achieve, where you are both presumably on your best behaviour? Ex partners have to trust that they both have the best interests of the child in mind. I say that as an ex partner, who didn't demand to meet my ex husbands new partner, because that's controlling and I don't see where anyone has the right to demand it, or what it achieves.

YouJustDoYou · 21/03/2024 13:56

She's well within her rights to not want to fuck up her kids by letting her ex introduce them to someone he's only just met.

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 21/03/2024 13:57

YABU.

You chose to get involved in a relationship with a man who has kids and an ex.
You don't get the uncomplicated relationship you get with a man who does not have children.

It's not about you when there are kids involved.

Newbie1011 · 21/03/2024 14:02

You both sound immature and I feel for the kids already. Grow up and go for a coffee with her. Wouldn’t you feel the same if it was someone in the life of your kids?

BumbleRose · 21/03/2024 14:02

You are being unreasonable....

she wants to know the person her children will be spending (potentially unsupervised) time with and the fact your unable to see that is worrying.

She cant actually stop him or you spending time with her children whether she meets you or not because what her ex/ your current partner does when he has the children is completely up to him but it's not unreasonable for her to ask to meet you.

seems very childish for you to assume this means she's trying to control him or "be his mum". She just wants to know who's going to be around her children.

123sunshine · 21/03/2024 14:10

I don't think the issue is whether she is within her rights to ask or not. I think the point is it's important to her. If you are serious about the relationship that you are in, agree to meet at a public place such as a pub or coffee shop and just introduce yourself and have a polite chat. She probably just wants to demystify you and have some reassurance. If I had ever been asked I would have done the same. I also did ask my ex husband to introduce me to his new partner and now wife. Looking back it was a bit silly of me really, but it felt important at the time and I was hurting. The meeting went fine and we had a further meeting witht he kids where we all went to an activity together to show the kids unity and acceptance. In all honesty it made me respect her more and actually I get on well with her now and respect the positive impact she's had on my children for the last 10 years plus. I however am a firm believer in having amicable co parenting set up and have a good relationship with my ex too. Its less about the adults and their feeling, and more about the kids.

Poppyzo · 21/03/2024 14:17

If her children are young yes I would say it’s fair that she gets to meet you. Hopefully it will give her peace of mind.
My children are older and I said no when my ex suggested meeting his new partner.
i know my children will tell me if there is ever a problem. Plus I know she is dbs checked through her job. Also I felt if I didn’t like her it would be harder for me. As nothing would change.

Alondra · 21/03/2024 14:25

You are not unreasonable. She may be hurting by the divorce, she may want to control how much access her children are exposed to her ex's new girlfriends but reality dictates that she can't deny access to his children in his time, girlfriend or not.

It's an emotional response that the Courts have very little appreciation for. When couples separate, each parent have the right to see their children and live their own lives without blackmail or personal interfering from the ex.

Having said this, it's often a good idea to meet the mother/father of your new partner's children, specially when they want to meet you. A bit of understanding and empathy goes a long way to prevent future problems.

Didimum · 21/03/2024 14:29

Meet her for the children's sake. You are being unreasonable.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 21/03/2024 15:40

Don’t start a relationship like this, with angst. Be the bigger person, just meet her. Whether you think she’s right or wrong, if you can meet and get on it will make for an easier life and will be beneficial for the kids, they are really all that matter.

Trulyme · 21/03/2024 15:41

She is being silly, as their dad is capable of choosing who is safe to be around his kids.

But you could end up being a big part in her kids/her life for many years to come and so for that reason I would start things off on a good footing and do this one thing.

How long have you been together?
If he only has his kids PT then it’s probably worth just leaving it for as long as you can.

Dinoswearunderpants · 21/03/2024 15:54

This really makes me mad. If it's 50/50 parenting then clearly they are both responsible parents and should be allowed to make a judgement themselves whether someone is suitable to be around their kids.

I always see this as such a power trip.

SignoraVolpe · 21/03/2024 16:04

Dinoswearunderpants · 21/03/2024 15:54

This really makes me mad. If it's 50/50 parenting then clearly they are both responsible parents and should be allowed to make a judgement themselves whether someone is suitable to be around their kids.

I always see this as such a power trip.

This ^^

Who has dc with a man that they don’t trust to be a good parent in all circumstances?

Hoplolly · 21/03/2024 16:14

Dinoswearunderpants · 21/03/2024 15:54

This really makes me mad. If it's 50/50 parenting then clearly they are both responsible parents and should be allowed to make a judgement themselves whether someone is suitable to be around their kids.

I always see this as such a power trip.

Exactly this.

Nosygirl01 · 21/03/2024 17:08

Been forced into this situation by my child’s father 3 times and I’ll tell you now it isn’t worth it. She cannot enforce it so I’d say no.

Stormyweathr · 21/03/2024 17:24

I would want to meet anyone who I was trusting to look after my kids (there will be times when you have the kids on your own) I wish I would of met my partners ex first but it didn’t work out like that

Let your partner co-parent effectively and respect mum and she will respect you

Josette77 · 21/03/2024 17:25

Hoplolly · 20/03/2024 12:43

I have never met my DH's ex-wife and I've lived with their kids 50/50 for 5 years. Absolutely no need. I've also never met up with my own kids step-mother. I trust their father's judgement.

Don't you see them at kids concerts or sports events?

AGoingConcern · 21/03/2024 17:55

She's not being unreasonable when comes to you being around her kids. If you don't want to meet yet her that's fine, but then you need to gracefully accept not seeing your bf when he has his children.

And quite frankly, you should reconsider whether this is a relationship to pursue - the mother of his children is not going away. If you're not interested in being able to be cordial with her and supportive of their co-parenting, don't even consider blending families.

Humannat · 21/03/2024 17:59

YANBU but on the caveat that you don’t spend time with the children, personally I wouldn’t want to nor would I want this man spending time with mine. A few months feels way too early for the whole blended family thing

Humannat · 21/03/2024 18:03

LegoDeathTrap · 20/03/2024 12:44

You don’t get to date someone with kids and pretend he doesn’t have them.

They’ve dated a few months?

I understand it isn’t convenient but at this stage the children should be ignored, they shouldn’t know their parents are dating let along spending time with these people.

SemperIdem · 21/03/2024 18:09

I’d have been up for meeting her, think it’s the mature thing to do. Had she not used access to the children as a threat.

As she has, it would be a no from me. She’s clearly a twat.

Poppalina37 · 21/03/2024 18:21

Blimey, just be gracious.

I get that it might seem weird but if the children see harmony.... everyone will thrive.

I completely get this. It's probably part of her healing process... I'm not sure what her intention or situation is.... but I know if I wanted this it would probably be more about how I felt than my children. Children are the most precious gift.... she may want that sense of security.

Fortunately, I 100% trust that my children are their father's absolute priority before any woman ... maybe she doesn't feel this.

She may well be relying on you to help smooth contact.... lots of women bring stability to blended families.

Lots of exes also team up and become best of friends.

I do think more good than bad can come from this... Good Luck x

Hoplolly · 21/03/2024 18:23

@Josette77 Nope. She won't attend if I am there.