To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

This.
Is the ex in a relationship? Did your partner ask to meet her partner? If shes single I'm sure your partner won't be suggesting a double date when the ex meets someone new.

How exactly is she planning to enforce her rule if you don't agree to meet her

It's just different people. There's no hive mind, but sometimes if you get a few very vocal people then others with different views won't bother posting as they don't want to be insulted by random strangers 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's stupid though and more of a performance than anything. You cannot gauge what a person is like from one meeting. There are women who are married to abusers and don't even know it.

'Wanted to' and asking politely is very, very different from threatening to withold access to children unless she meets her first

Not before, but my DH (has kids 50-50) with his ex. Ex started dating her bf about a year after DH and I were dating.

I think because me and DSC’s mum went for a drink and found it really positive, she asked DH if he’d like to go for a drink with her bf (who was totally up for it). He did and that was really good for DH. Even if you want to trust someone's judgement, getting an in person vibe can be reassuring where kids are involved.

It means when we all see each other at school shows/birthdays/in the street it’s just not weird. We aren’t best mates or anything, but we can be fully cordial and kids love it.

I don’t think a parent should “demand” to meet, but my experience has been overwhelmingly positive.

If you’ve only been dating a few months, there’s no way you should be meeting his children. That to me suggests remarkably poor judgement on his part, which might explain his ex’s concerns.

I agree on the bathing, it made me distinctly uncomfortable- however I’m trying to remain logical. This woman is also a mother, and my daughter has started to seek privacy around her dad so perhaps she is more comfortable this way?

Either way, my partner does not provide intimate care for either of my children, that is, and always has been, a hard boundary.

It’s a tricky situation- I fully recognise there will be a lot of people in the kids lives who I don’t know. I don’t have any “right” to meet exs partner, but I do genuinely think it would be best for everyone to be able to speak and get along.

Selfishly, it’s also very hard to accept that they have a whole other life I’m not part of at such a young age. One of the sad realities of divorce.

I know but if it eases her mind and gets it done, so be it.

@Unreasonablyextravagant I totally get that and you're allowed to feel that way! What you're not doing is making demands or threats to your ex based off those feelings.

I'm in a very very strange position as I have recently met someone new (I have a baby toddler) and I always thought it would be my ex that would move on and meet someone first. I have no plans to tell my ex about new guy at this stage as he is a controlling bully and wouldn't be any reason to, and also my son can't talk yet so won't tell him who he's met (he has met him but he meets my friends and visitors to the house every other day, I have lots of friends)

As someone whose been the ex, it was for my peace of mind and actually we ended up in court (domestic abuse reasons) and the court was actually in agreement that I should meet his ex, we did it over a face call which was better and ease my mind. I gave my ex the opportunity to meet my now husband he never wanted that.
If I was involved with someone else’s child I would want to meet the parent too, it’s best for the child.

Why would she still be hurting and what it is it that makes you think this is about her needs and not the wellbeing of the kids? I’m genuinely asking. You may be right but does it matter? Either way I still think it’s good for co parents to meet each others partners. If you think she is just being petty and it’s likely to lead to confrontation, then do it away from the kids if you can. If it doesn’t go well then fine, you’ve done as she asked and can move forward knowing you’ve done everything you can. It’s always better if co parents and their respective partners can at least be civil for the sake of children

This. Came here to say the same. I had to meet the ex’s new partner when she got pregnant beet quickly so was planning to move in with him. If it wasn’t for the pregnancy the kids might have never needed to meet her as soon as they did. It was fine. As they were getting a place together it meant that when mine stayed over I knew her briefly. Over the years though we have had family occasions where we have had to middle along. First holy communion was a main one that obviously my family and her family would be attending. Also when my kids had birthday parties when younger she would come along as well with their new little one when she was old enough to join in. We were always very pleasant with each other. They’ve since split also however he brings their child along to family things for mine so I end up spending time with her child without her - birthday parties, school plays etc. Haven’t actually seen her for a few years now since they split. I did drop her child off one day when I’d picked mine up from the ex’s house and he didn’t take his little one himself. It was a brief hello shes had a lovely day bye.

I would meet her, and be nice. Be lovely. If she doesn’t reciprocate this then you did all you could and the dad (your partner) will be idiotic if he lets her say you can’t be around his kids if the only reason behind this is her bitterness and jealousy.

Tricky I can see both sides but having witnessed my sister’s situation I would meet her. My sister really got on well with her exs new girlfriend infact the girlfriend was more responsible with the children than their own father and it was a huge relief for my sister who was extremely grateful. They’ve since split after many years but she still sees the children regularly. As someone else has mentioned you’ll be stuck in rooms with each other during various occasions anyway.

YANBU, I haven't met my partner's ex wife. They have a 10 year old together. She pulls this stunt when she's single. She won't allow him to spend time with her until she meets me. We've been together for 6 years, they were split up for 3 years when we got together. As soon as she has a boyfriend she dumps her daughter onto him, even though she's never met me. It's a form of control. She only wants to meet me when it suits her.

At the end of the day, he's her parent too. He wouldn't be with me, or let me near her if I was an a*se hole to their daughter. She has no right to say who my partner can be with. I refuse to meet her, not because she's his ex... But because of all of the drama she caused when we first got together. She's a vile person.

If you don't want to meet her, then don't meet her.

Of course she wants to meet someone who will potentially spend a lot of time with her kids. You sound very immature.

I’ve been where you are. Except my SS mum also wanted to inspect my home before my SS was able to stay.

I acquiesced to the request in the hope it would make the relationship easier long term and to ease what was a very difficult relationship at the time. Even though the same good grace was not given in reverse! She had already moved their child into a new home with her partner without consulting his father at all and I had been with his father longer than she had been with her partner.

I personally feel, looking back on it now, it was easier than continuing the aggressive arguments at the time and allowed my now DH to continue his relationship with his son unhindered. Therefore I am not sorry I did it overall and I had nothing to hide so it didn’t really matter and I would do it again, if asked, to grease the wheels.

That being said, in our situation, over 10 years later, I now realise it’s a matter of control. She likes to have overall control and can be quite manipulative with my SS if necessary. He’s such a sweet boy, he just wants to please so it can be quite sad and now as she has split from her DH and moved back in with her mother (who is super manipulative of her and SS, which is part of the reason for the breakdown of the marriage) things have become awkward at times as her DH used to be quite good at mediating how he would feel in my DHs situation which was a help.

Her ex-DH has called us to say she is seeing someone new already. She then called us to discuss this and I was clear that as his mother we are confident she would keep SS safe when with her like we would expect her to take that view with us, so we had no interest in the situation whether he was a new partner or not.

We have always tried to take the high road and broad view, she’s been to our new home and I have welcomed her (although she didn’t look round this time), and we’ve had her other son for an afternoon, etc. because I am conscious that as SS becomes older and moves into adulthood he will see things for what they were and I want him to see that we always tried our best to do the right thing to make things as workable as possible for his benefit. Sometimes we, as the adults, have to be responsible enough to look at the long term.

Maybe there have been others before you and so is not sure you will be around much longer and wants to try and suss things out before the kids get attached to you only to have it all be for nothing.

It’s only been a few months with you (why do you want to meet them so soon anyway?) but who knows what’s been going on before hand. You will only have his word for things.

I think she is being reasonable. if you are sure you want to be with this man for the long haul I think you should meet her.
if you aren’t sure then don’t meet her or the kids.

I think it’s to soon to meet them but if you must and you want a peaceful relationship you will have to meet her for a quick coffee. Not a big deal

she does not get to say or control what her ex does on his time with his kids. think about it.

Your ex isn't all up in her grill asking who she is seeing/what she is doing? If you don;t want to meet her, you don;t have to.

Just smile and be non-committal. Don't agree to anything specifically, just let it drift and be busy This is for your boyfriend to manage and he can tell her that she can't police his life. He has them 50/50, he is pulling his weight and life goes on.

The other thing to say to your boyfriend is that you are in no rush to meet them, that it's a bit soon anyway and your relationship is still new so happy to make space for them to spend time with him. Remind him that relationships are hard and until you have some more time under your belts, and are sure about a future together, there is no sense in forcing things for the sake of his convenience.

Don't be in too much of a rush to be inserted into a nuclear family situation, it's dreary and drudge at the best of times and other peoples kids are not the same as our own. Allow yourself to be a girlfriend and not be a resource for the domestic side of things.

Its unreasonable of her to say she will refuse to allow you to be around the kids. Its up to Dad to decide who meets his kids on his time.

Its unreasonable of you to not do her the courtesy of meeting her. You are (you hope) going to be a significant person in the lives of her children. Its basic manners and the decent thing to do to meet her.

Don't be a dick

Either way its only been a few months so no need to rush this.

No, you are perfectly within your rights to turn down this request. She doesn't get a say in who he has around when he has his children. What does your bf say?

This isn’t about her or her hurting. This is about the kids and wanting to know who her kids associate with. Who they talk about, putting faces to names in a hopefully positive way, and… frankly, who could be their next future step mother and mother to their half siblings and potentially the mother YOU will also be coparenting with. She could’ve sensed a change in your BF/her ex to know he’s serious about you.

flipside is also true she could just be controlling etc but with 50/50 care I’d presume they’re both reasonably capable mature adults.

you’re dating a man with kids and an ex he coparents with. Making sure you and the mother have an amicable relationship is best for the kids first.

meet her. But do so without your partner/her ex there. Public place like a coffee shop so you both feel safe on neutral turf and hopefully it will be an ok meeting.

she may want you to hold off meeting the kids for go reason. She may be concerned you’re yet another short term fuck buddy of his she doesn’t want the kids to get attached to or as above she could sense hers serious and you’ve got long term potential.

if you can’t do this then it’s probably not a good idea to date a man with kids.

personally this is why I DONT date men with kids, the ex/coparenting. Having a 3rd person in the relationship until the kids are 18, someone who can legitimately refuse holidays abroad, partner having to drop everything to take care of their kids; rightly so! But it isn’t something I want, I’ve single parented for years and want to be selfish as fuck and do what I want.

This thread. A lot of people who have been through this will know it's nothing to do with the kids, and all about control.