To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

@Glow22

Your comment wasn’t aimed at me, but as I agree with the poster it was aimed at, I thought I’d respond.

Yes, I would tell my own daughter she was overstepping in demanding to meet her ex’s new partner on the threat of withholding contact.

Because it is unreasonable behaviour. Suggesting meeting in a “we’re all adults” sort of way is one thing, weaponising the children involved because you’re a control freak is quite another.

I say this as someone who does actually meet with my child, my partner, my exh and his partner, semi regularly.

She can’t control that. That is the entire point.

They have separated and she has no agency in his life now.

I don't see it as that, yes she's not his mum but she's his kids mum. He wants to introduce them to a gf after 5 mths which seems super fast do maybe wants to feel better about the situation

That wasn't what I said though was it? It's that a lot of people on here make out that it's literally none of the mothers business at all and she should have no reason at all to meet the potential stepmother. That's the attitude that I'm challenging, because it's weird.

Making threats is something different but we don't know how this was approached initially, she may have suggested meeting in a "we're all adults way" and then been met with an inflammatory response to which she had an angry and emotional response.

I don't think people should be demanding and making threats but I don't think it should come to that in the first place because I think it's a reasonable request.

And if the mothers first response was to threaten rather than ask then I would cut her some slack and assume she had an emotional response. That doesn't mean that I would cut her some slack over other things if she was being unreasonable, but over something as monumental (to some) like another woman meeting your kids who is potentially going to be stepmother then absolutely!!

I don't think that's unreasonable, it's not like the kids only see their day l dad once a week, it's 50% of the time so would be a fair portion of the time if you were to say move in together.

If you refuse you will seem petty.

Would you be happy for your kids to be left with someone you don't know?

The younger the children the more I would want to know if I was her tbh, older kids not so much as they would report back anyway if necessary.

We don’t actually know how the mother worded this. The whole post reeks of bitterness and childishness so I wouldn’t assume that she has been quoted word for word.

Absolutely unreasonable of you. You give off very bitter, immature energy.
i have a 2 yo DD with my ex. Separated a year. Legally I have full custody but he sees her whenever he wants, this works out around 60/40 contact. He has a new girlfriend (3rd one in a year) and I have made it very clear I do not want her near my daughter. I know nothing about this woman apart from things I’ve heard from mutual friends (we live in a small town), and what I have heard I don’t like. They do not live together and I see no need for my daughter to be introduced to her. If they move in together or the relationship becomes long term I will obviously revisit the issue but I would 110% be meeting the new partner first. I cannot comprehend just letting your children sleep in a house with a stranger you have never met.

That's not her choice to make.

It is her business who is around her children. Children come first.

Still doesn't mean that she gets to control it. She doesn't.

i don’t think it’s unreasonable. The fact that some people on this thread are so against the mother wanting to meet another adult her children are going to spend 50% of their time with is absolutely wild.

imagine never meeting your children’s teacher.
imagine never meeting your children’s nursery staff, your children’s babysitters etc, before happily sending them on their merry way with absolute strangers.

I didn't say it was unreasonable @BlossomMill, she can ask to meet her, but the point is she doesn't have any actual l right to do so, and neither can she say that the children can't meet the OP unless she meets her as she has no control over it, or say into who the children spend time with on her ex's time with them. It's simple facts.

Of course, she wants to know but it doesn't mean that she has the right to.

And your last point is nonsense, as the OP would not be a stranger. A stranger to the mother maybe, but not a stranger to the father.

I get that, but then the OP should do the decent thing and just meet her. Otherwise, in my opinion she’s a massive D.

and yeah, get that she’s not a stranger to the father.

i just feel like my actual heart would rip in two if my kids were spending so much time with someone I knew nothing about - at least meeting them would be something.

I don’t know how people do it without going crazy tbh.

And what if she decides she’s not happy to allow it??

When your children go to secondary school, they will interact with many people you haven’t met

If a man came on here saying he wanted to meet and approve his ex’s new partner before allowing his children to be around them he would be labelled a controlling areshole even though, quite frankly, a stepdad is a much, MUCH higher risk to children than a stepmother, statistically speaking. It’s just about control.

Plus, there is a massive difference between “I’d like to meet my DCs new teacher” and “the school must run their selection of a new teacher past me to approve”

He’s part of a package.. him and his kids. If you care about him and your future you will do what you can to make sure things go smoothly with his ex so you should meet her and see what her concerns are. If she’s being unreasonable at least you have tried and he will see that

I have young children so am seeing this as a parent of young children. Tbf I don’t know how old the kids are in OPs post. Secondary school age children are old enough to have their own opinions and independence. That’s a different situation.

but yes, I am thinking with the head of a mum with young children in my response.

This!!!

I've said it a few times.

I can't imagine many women in there would be ok with their ex demanding to meet their new boyfriend, or he'll try to stop them seeing him.

I think a lot of people are thinking of this from the perspective of 'I'd hate it if they were spending time with a woman I don't know', rather than any future boyfriends having to be vetted by their ex (who is presumably for a reason).

But it needs to be equal. So if its right that a new girlfriend meets (and is 'approved') by the mum, then equally any new boyfriends have to meet (and be 'approved') the dad. What an easy way for abusive ex partners to continue exerting control....

No the mother can't make the choice for the father, but someone has to be looking out for the kids when a parent is introducing them to multiple flavours of the month.

Well exactly. She never said anything about approving of her. It’s a courtesy that there is no reason on earth why you wouldn’t give the mother that courtesy other than to be petty and ridiculous. The post doesn’t say the mother wants to approve of the OP. She just wants to meet her to see who her children are going to be spending half their life with.

Well what happens if the mum meets but doesn't like OP? OP doesn't get to meet the kids... ever? How can she then have a serious relationship with the dad? So yeh, she would be effectively controlling the dad's new relationship. Saying she doesn't get to decide didn't mean it's none of her business. I did say - I totally get the mum wanting to meet her. She could even give her opinion to dad if she really wanted to if she didn't like OP. But she doesn't get to vet her.

She hasn't said she wants to vet her, and I doubt that she thinks she will get to vet her or veto her, she just wants to meet her.

You don’t have to meet her. If your bf has the kids 50% of the time then he’s more than capable of being a parent and deciding for himself who is best to have around his kids. Don’t do it if you don’t want to.