To not meet my bf’s ex

[Songsforlittles]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

You're going to make yourself lok unsuitable to your partner by declining. It isn't difficult and this could present you really well ( not that that's the main thing, this should be about the kids ) to your partner if you aren't a pain over it. Just have an amicable meeting, you can then gauge whether she is being reasonable or not if she doesn't want you to spend time with them after that but at least she's giving you a chance. You get a lot of people on here saying she doesn't get to control it etc but you yourself admit you don't know this woman and none of us, not even your partner will know her background or motivations for wanting to meet you. I think it's entirely appropriate for a mum to be worried about someone coming into their kids lives, have some empathy and try to reassure her.

Whenever I’ve seen mums post on here that they want to meet their ex’s new partner before the kids do, they’ve been ripped to shreds. These responses are bizarre.

My ex's new woman wanted to meet me despite the fact the only child involved is mine, and nothing to do with her.

She seemed to think she had input, when my ds spends about two weekends a year at their house. She kept sending me notes and emailing me. I returned the notes unopened and deleted the emails unread.

I think it's a way of trying to pull rank or assume control. My advice would be to not respond in any way. Make it clear by your actions that she and your dp are the parents, and your dp will be making any parenting decisions related to their children so it is not something you wish to get involved in.

And incidentally she has no say in how your dp looks after his children on his days.

Just don't go there.

I have to say I think she’s well within her rights as a parent to be honest.

I mean, the law says otherwise. You have ZERO right unless there is a serious safeguarding issue.

I met my ex husbands, now wife after they had been together for around a year. The children had already met her and I resisted for a while as I had no interest. We had a perfectly civil lunch and haven't seen each other since. It was at the request of my ex.

We had a conversation about her role in the children's life, instigated by her. My personal opinion is that she is a significant adult in their lives and as long as she is respectful of them and vice versa then everything is good. She was in agreement.

Given that you've only been going out a few months, how are you even at the meeting the kids stage yet? Seems awfully fast.

She doesn’t get to dictate who the children spend time with when they are with their father. And that works both ways- he doesn’t get that control over her either. But this is a battle for your boyfriend to have with her if he chooses to.

I'd say it's too early to be meeting the children. But it makes sense to once you are fully commited. Life is so much easier for the children if everyone can get along and maturely coparent. If you end up working out as a couple, it is better that you can be in the same room as ex so you arent totally left out of key events in their lives when older eg weddings, grandchildrens christenings ect.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with.

How do you know? Maybe she’s glad to see the back of him. He may not br the prize you think he is.

I’m on the other side of this and I feel incredibly uncomfortable that I could meet ex’s new girlfriend / partner in the street, and I wouldn’t recognise her.

I would like to meet her, informally, perhaps when dropping off / collecting the kids and have told ex this, but so far it’s not forthcoming. I’m not sure who on their side is resistant or if it just hasn’t naturally occurred.

Its not in any way about judgement or control, more that it doesn’t sit well with me that this person is becoming more significant in the kids lives, and is comfortable enough to shower my 6yo DD, but I could walk past her without realising.

I trust their father and we have 50/50 care, and I really think it’s better for all parties to be able to cross paths and be friendly. If it’s relevant ex has met my partner, it was awkward at first but is slowly getting easier and it makes it so much more pleasant for the adults and the kids.

I don’t think it’s a big ask to be honest.

No-one should be meeting anyone's children after "a few months" - why do people think this is a good idea?

Keep your BF and kids separate and there is no need for her to meet you?

I think if I had children I'd be very uncomfortable with my ex introducing a partner after just a few months.

And if I were dating someone with children and their ex wanted to meet me then I'd do so without issue as I imagine it's hard not knowing somebody who's potentially going to spend a lot of time with your children.

Honestly I don't really see the need for the refusal.

When I was going to meet my fiancés daughter I offered her mum the chance to come to my home to see where she’d be spending time, offered her my mobile number to contact me on and introduced myself in person however she declined all of this and actually blocked me.

my advice is to kill her with kindness, it’s a lot easier than being frosty and up tight. Meet her, let her know you have children of your own so you understand how she’s feeling and it could save a whole lot of drama.

No I absolutely would not agree to a meeting where I am apparently being vetted as being suitable or not. Firstly because the mother / ex does not own the children and has no more right than he has to assess who is suitable around the children. Secondly because it is pointless, I mean what are her criteria and how would she measure it, what happens if I fail her tests?

It is however too soon to meet the children.

You're being a bit weird about something that would be a normal situation. Was there cheating involved. Has your boyfriend painted her out to be some sort of a monster?

Would you want your children spending time with a stranger you've never met?

Yes! Was coming on to say the same thing! This thread is the opposite to any I've ever seen, if this was "my ex wants to meet my new partner before the kids do" op would be told her ex is controlling 🙃

I would meet her personally. Think you’re just making things difficult. If I split with my DH and had a new partner I could understand him asking to meet him just so he can see who’s going to be around his child.

YABVU in making out this woman wants to meet you because she's still hankering after your partner and is 'controlling' rather than just being a normal mum who wants to meet a person who will be spending time in close proximity to her children. Obviously, she has no right to insist as what her children's father does on his watch is his business, but I can't think what you'd get from refusing her other than a little power play of your own. Life with children from previous relationships can be challenging enough to navigate. Seems daft to me to get off on the wrong foot and make things harder than need be just because you can.

After a few months I'm not sure why he wants you to be meeting his kids let alone his ex. How old are they?

No, she really can't decide who they spend time with when they're on his watch but I don't blame her for asking especially after such a short relationship.

Graduations? Big birthdays? Weddings? Births? Christenings?

How long ago did they split?
How long after that did your relationship start?

Why do you want to bring the children into it so soon?

We are many many years away from any of that, and when it comes to it, we can meet there but birthdays will never be celebrated together. DH and his ex-wife are not amicable so she refuses to be in the same room as him most the time. She can just about manage school assemblies as long as they don't make direct eye contact. It may come to it that my SC won't want me at those occasions because of their DM's feelings, and that's fine. I just won't go.

Unless there are known safeguarding concerns regarding the new partner, an ex has no say over who the other parent introduces the children to, who they cohabit with or when these things happen. This works both ways.

I would do it on the condition that your boyfriend is clear this is a courtesy and he doesn't need her permission for you to meet the kids. As another PP said, if she feels like she can call all the shots, she might.

But, I would wait a lot longer until you meet them. 6 months minimum, ideally longer.

But what’s the point as he has no veto? Why invite potential drama?