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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not meet my bf’s ex

255 replies

Songsforlittles · 20/03/2024 11:44

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 21/03/2024 18:24

Starlightstarbright3 · 20/03/2024 11:51

I would meet her but public place . Can reduce drama .

she doesn’t get to control who he sees but may make a more harmonious relationship which is better for the children.

She does get to control who the kids spend time with though…and who spends time in their home. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to meet. Should have been Dad suggesting it though.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 21/03/2024 18:33

StormingNorman · 21/03/2024 18:24

She does get to control who the kids spend time with though…and who spends time in their home. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to meet. Should have been Dad suggesting it though.

Show quote history

She gets to control what happens during her contact time, but not during her ex's.

Daisyblue77 · 21/03/2024 18:45

Songsforlittles · 20/03/2024 11:44

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

You are being ridiculous. As a mother yourself why cant you see thats its normal to want to meet someone who is going to be a big part of their childs life, you need to get over it being his ex and think of her as his childrens mother

MissRabbitIsABoss · 21/03/2024 19:07

I think your cutting your nose off to spite your face. You want to have a relationship with this man, he has children and the mother wants to meet you. If this relationship means something to you, you'll grit your teeth and get through it. Also think of the ear-ache your bf will potentially get from his ex everytime she drops off the kids with him and he might have plans with you

Ialwaystry · 21/03/2024 19:08

Just wait a few more months.
I was not giving a choice after 2 weeks of our separation and his new relationship. Lots of people kept pushing it and saying it was fine.
It's so hard on the ex and children. Why be in a rush?
He did it anyways and my child calls her mam too!.
We ended up in family court and that's a place you dont want to be.

Lilmia · 21/03/2024 19:09

Songsforlittles · 20/03/2024 11:44

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months. We both have kids from past relationships.

His ex has said she will not allow him to spend time with me and his kids (who he has 50% of the time) without meeting me first. I have met her briefly by accident, which was not a great situation for anyone.

I understand that she’s probably still hurting and wants some control over who her children spend time with. However, I also think she is not his mum, she’s not a part of our relationship and her motives seem more based on her feelings rather than concern over her children.

I’m considering saying that I will not meet her. Am I being unreasonable ?

Does he have a child arrangement order in place? And if he does, then his ex really doesn't have a say who the children meet when they are in his care on his court ordered days. I'm sure plenty of people will jump on me for Thai statement, but I am literally only relaying what I have learned through family courts time and time again. Even from personal experience, which was devastating because I hated sending my children off to their father who introduced them to one new girlfriend after another. Same when my husband and I met, the mother of his children wanted to control the whole situation , which I absolutely understood, and was devastated when told by her solicitor and cafcass that she has absolutely NO say who the children spend time with whilst in their father's care.

AquaFurball · 21/03/2024 19:13

MarkSloaneComeBack · 20/03/2024 12:45

too early to be meeting kids anyway ?

Took too many comments to see this.
A few months isn't long enough to be introducing children to new bfs/gfs especially ones that kick up a fuss about meeting their other parent first.

Maybe your new bf has a habit of introducing his new gfs far too quickly to his kids and their mum has had enough of it. Even if you're the first after they broke up, what mum wouldn't be concerned about with whom their children are spending 50% of their lives.

LemonTurtle · 21/03/2024 19:18

This comes across like an OW situation. If that's the case I say suck it up and play nice. On the flip side it's probably too early on to build relationships with the children after a few months.

VinBlanc1 · 21/03/2024 19:24

How old are his children? I asked to do this because I wanted to get to know her a little so we could be friendlier at handovers. It was really helpful as meant we weren’t awkward and was really positive for the children seeing us get on well and chatting. It absolutely wasn’t that I thought I had a veto or it would have changed anything if I didn’t like her (as it happens, she’s great).

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/03/2024 19:28

I said l wanted this and my dickhead ex refused. Turns out she's practically living there and dc will be coming to live with me because they can't stand her kids.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/03/2024 19:29

AquaFurball · 21/03/2024 19:13

Took too many comments to see this.
A few months isn't long enough to be introducing children to new bfs/gfs especially ones that kick up a fuss about meeting their other parent first.

Maybe your new bf has a habit of introducing his new gfs far too quickly to his kids and their mum has had enough of it. Even if you're the first after they broke up, what mum wouldn't be concerned about with whom their children are spending 50% of their lives.

Edited
Show quote history

To add to above...my ex dickhead waited for 7 weeks after l had moved out. Yes, he was seeing her while we were living together.

LunarLover · 21/03/2024 19:36

I don't really feel like you have tried to put yourself in her shoes!? As a mother her motive is not coming from a place of spitefulness, period. She has been hurt and wants to protect herself and kids from further pain. By declining her offer you are only painting a negative picture of yourself and giving her reason not to approve of you and in turn, not want you around her children.

Meista · 21/03/2024 19:58

Sorry but this is a bit of an immature post. For whatever reason your partner and his ex had for breaking up, the mother has the right to meet you before you meet her kids. After this, however, when it is your partner's allocated time with them, technically she can't have too much of a say in what you do with them (unless it's a little precarious).

As someone else said already, just treat this situation delicately. This is mostly and more about the children than it is about you.

Floralsofa · 21/03/2024 20:04

None of her business unless she has genuine safeguarding concerns.

He's the father and has her 50% of the time, so I assume she trusts his parenting.

Donnaj99 · 21/03/2024 20:04

I'd just get it over with, just be nice, if she wants to act crazy then that's on her, & just shows her character. As a mom I can see where she's coming from by wanting to meet who her children will be around but that doesn't give her the right to be nasty to you.

whyismysoupcold · 21/03/2024 20:09

Unless there's a back story like you're the OW (I know you're not), I don't know why meeting an ex is such a big deal. Even though she can't do anything about your presence, I think it's reasonable to get to know someone who will be around their child a lot of the time.

SpatulaSpatula · 21/03/2024 20:14

I wonder if it's too early for meeting the kids? Do you feel comfortable introducing your kids yet?

It seems quite reasonable to want meet someone who is going to spend significant time with your children, especially considering how early in the relationship this is.

Did she use the word 'allow'? Alarm bells ringing there.

I would definitely meet her. She will always be his ex. Better to have a good relationship for the kids, to guage her, and to figure out if you can handle her as part of your long-term relationship.

FMWD91 · 21/03/2024 20:17

Haven't yet read the entire thread, but I'd flip it on its head. I do understand it from all sides, but the real question would be if she would be okay with her children's Dad vetting her next partner? Or is it just a superiority complex? It really baffles me as to how somebody is trusting enough of somebody to choose them as the father to their children yet doesn't trust them enough to have them parent without their consent in absolutely everything. Too many people I know have used their kids wellbeing as a form of justification to mask their control problems and it's really upsetting because the only people that suffer in the end are the children involved in the crossfire.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 21/03/2024 20:17

Have you noticed the running theme where those who have accommodated the ex like this all seem to left that relationship?

SemperIdem · 21/03/2024 20:39

SemperIdem · 21/03/2024 18:09

I’d have been up for meeting her, think it’s the mature thing to do. Had she not used access to the children as a threat.

As she has, it would be a no from me. She’s clearly a twat.

Edited

Quoting myself here to add:

I suggested to my exh that we met each others partners altogether, with our daughter, for dinner at a nice local pub. We’ve gone on to do dinner together a few times over the years. We’d both been with our respective partners a while and there was a “look, we’re all significant people in her life, shall we chat” intent behind it.

Demanding a meeting or contact will be withheld is a wildly unreasonable and unhealthy mindset. Perhaps the mother should “think of her children” when she is issuing such ultimatums.

RhiannonTheRed · 21/03/2024 20:59

If you've only been dating a few months, I'd say yes you're being unreasonable. Far too soon to meet children.

2024istheyearforme · 21/03/2024 21:31

I wouldn't allow someone access to my kids before i met them no.

2024istheyearforme · 21/03/2024 21:32

also few months. To early to be introducing children, id be waiting til at least 8 months- 1 year minimum to be doing that.

HRTQueen · 21/03/2024 21:36

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 20/03/2024 13:56

She can ask all she likes but it's none of her business who her ex dates or has around her children.

It’s non of her business who her ex dates

but of course it’s her business who her children spend time with

you don’t stop being a parent just because you children are not with you at that point in time

StrawberryEater · 21/03/2024 21:40

Really surprised at those saying YANBU.

I would want to meet anyone my children were (potentially) spending lots of time with. How is that anything other than good parenting?