What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

OP, I mean in this in the kindest way…are you mad?

You are giving this woman free money. She spends her money on non-essentials and you buy her food. That’s insane.

Wake up and stop! Just tell her I can’t afford it, write off the money you’ve already wasted on her and distance yourself. She’s a user and she knows you’re a soft touch.

Why are you doing this?

I mean........ give your head a wobble!!!

I would give her this 20 and tell her it's the last time. offer to help her manage her finances.

occasionally buy her nice things and take her out but you might be making her financial management worse as she will take it as a given that you will dig her out every time

You need to say no. That she needs to find a long term solution. She'll possibly disappear from your life after that as it sounds like she's using you.

I agree. If the £20 won't affect you then give her it and make it clear that this is the last time.

ps even if it looks like you have spare money doesn't mean you have spare money. I know people living in houses worth over a million with no spare cash due to much higher outgoings eg high mortgage, private schools , private health care. she doesn't need to know your business, you don't have to explain. a simple I am no longer in a position to help should do it. keep repeating.

I wouldn't like seeing her if I knew she was always waiting to ask for cash.

You do need to put your foot down. Doubt she'll react well.

“I can give you this £20 now but it’s the last time. I can’t give you any more in the future”.

If pushed just say “I told you last time I couldn’t give you money again. Please don’t ask”.

Do cheap or free stuff with her. I think you’ll find she vanishes pretty quickly as a friend as soon as the money dries up.

She’s taking you for a fool. Why would she need to learn to manage her finances when she can always call on the Bank of Picolosmum?

She's clocked you as a softie and will continue to take advantage and take zero responsibility for her own life.

YABU to keep giving her money under these circumstances. That's your hard earned money!!

You say that she wants to ‘borrow’ money. Do you ever get it back?

Do you need anymore friends OP? Because I'm also in need (of a money tree..)

Be strong and stand up to her. If she gets shirty and walks off, then it wasn't a real friendship to begin with.

Agree this is major point, if she borrows money from you but you always get it back I wouldn’t mind so much lending her another £20 on the other hand if you’ve never had a penny back then she’s taking the piss

Why do you care more about being ‘nice’ to this mum rather than using that money on your own children?

it’s unusual to be so conflict avoidant you give that much money. Are you very lonely/in need of friendship? Does it make you feel good helping her?

I would stop spending on her and pay for therapy to figure out why your self esteem is so low you think you have to buy your friends.

OP I'm sorry to say that she doesn't see you as a friend at all but purely a source of money.

Don’t give her the money, you should be saving for your own kids, your retirement pot, rainy day funds in case of job loss, long term ill health etc, instead of depriving your future self and family.

She is using you.

Why do you feel guilty? Because kindly, you are not responsible for her or her actions. It sounds like she is manipulating you.

@picolosmum seriously. Tell her to get a job. You have one, it’s how you afford things. Do not give her a single penny more. She’s horrible. Friends do not treat each other like that, asking for money. Tell her to go to social work/citizens advice for long term help. They can tell her no and that she needs to manage her money or get a job. Keeps you out if it.

Naturally people will act lovely when you say "Yes" to their unreasonable requests

It's how they react when they are told "No" that is most revealing

Try it

Fags, not working, cadging money off friends..what do you get out of this?

I was having the piss taken out of me a bit with someone asking to lend money all the time, it's also quite obvious I have money with the lifestyle I live that this friend knows about the places I go, car I drive, house I live in and so on....but it still didn't stop me lying in the end and saying really sorry but I am skint so I can't help. This friend 100% knows I am bullshitting, but who are they to say I am lying?

You need to work out how much she’s costing you per month to be her friend and decide if she’s worth it! She’s using you as a regular cash machine and you’re a bit of a mug if you let it continue.

It’s irrelevant whether you have spare money or not

Your money is your money, it’s not to subsidise her

You need to stop this now. Give her this £20 and make it very clear that it’s the last time and she is not to ask you again

I put YABU cos you keep allowing this to happen. Say no! If you feel bad saying no as a complete sentence then just tell her you’ve started putting extra money into savings so don’t have access to it. I’d personally tell her if she wants nice treats and candles she should get a job to afford to pay for them all. Why should you go to work to buy her fags, candles and rugs?!?! Surely you can see your being a mug… a kind one but still a mug

Ask her why she is buying odds & ends of house clutter (candles and rugs are not essentials like bedding or a saucepan), keeping pets, smoking AND going out when she can't pay her direct debits.

I am in no way criticising her being on benefits, but they are not calculated for her to have the things a working person might expect to have.

Many working people can't afford all of those things, so they have to budget.

You need to tell her she has to live within her means as best she can.
Best means you pay your bills first and then see what's left for all these extras.

Just say no OP! If she's spending the money on fags, candles etc then I really don't have much sympathy with her.