What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

You have to learn how to say no. I would offer to help her look at her finances and see where she can save money and have enough to live on.

She is choosing to smoke , could save money there.

She is choosing to buy tat, candles etc .

She needs to learn to live within her means and you bailing her out is not helping her to do that.

Download the MSE budget planner and go through it with her, that is the best help that you can give her.

and stop the bail outs and the days out until she stops wasting money.

Remember no is a full sentence

Practice saying no.

Do it over text or email if you are worried about doing it in person.

Promise yourself a little treat every time you do it.

In person is much harder than text.

This is the best advice, otherwise it’s never going to stop. She needs to learn to live within her means or get another job basically.

What would I do? I would stop seeing her altogether. I suspect when you stop handing over cash she will no longer be friendly.

I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money.

I think this is the crux of the problem OP - you don't feel comfortable saying no. Definitely worth having a think about why this is. Why does her wish for your money override your own preferences / wishes? It doesn't matter if you have the money 'spare', it's still taking money from your own family to fund hers.

Honestly? Practice saying no, even in the mirror. Saying no is fine. Saying no can be very powerful, when it's what we really want to do. Saying yes when we don't want to leads to resentment and negative feelings.

You don't need to explain, or tell her you don't have the money. It's your money. She is taking the absolute piss out of you and will continue to do so. That isn't real friendship. I'm sorry to sound so harsh but please practice saying no.

YANVU

I feel sorry for her... you are having her dragged on the Internet and exposing her financial situation ( behind her back obviously ) because YOU didn't have the balls to say no... neither of you are good friends. All this telling people you can't afford to etc simply say you don't feel comfortable with lending her money!

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Exactly 💯

I’d give her a list of all the money she's ‘borrowed’ so far and say that when it’s paid back you might consider lending her a fiver.
She’s doing very well out of you isn’t she?

It'd be a firm no from me.

This scrounger needs a job and pronto.

If you can genuinely afford it then I agree with PP - give her this last £20, be clear it is the last time, and say no next time. I'm afraid you should prepare yourself to be dropped like a stone once she realises the money is stopping, however.

Just stop!
If she was absolutely desperate then I might be inclined to help a friend in need, but she's buying rugs??! And fags??!? FFS she has her priorities all wrong and is using you!!! Tot up what she owes you and tell her you need it back! And stop backing her out. She's an adult and needs to act like one.

Just say no. Don't give a reason. She'll probably drop you quite quickly once she realises you're serious so this problem will end.

I had a 'friend' like this once. At first she was good at borrowing £20 here and there and paying it back, but eventually she always had an excuse why she didn't have the money. I stopped lending to her and she asked for my help in budgeting which I was happy to give, but again, she always had an excuse why now wasn't a good time to go through things. Needless to say shortly after I stopped loaning her money, she was less bothered about meeting up and the friendship petered out.

Grifters like this normally have another mug waiting in the wings, so I wouldn't feel too guilty about letting the friendship go if she no longer wants to meet up once she knows you won't give her money anymore.

Are you really that desperate for friends you need to waste your spare time with someone who’s using you? Ditch her altogether.

Say no and maybe mention managing money to her, but I wouldn't help her with this because then it means you're put into the position of helping her out with loans again.

From experience of this in the past. I used to have a job that paid very well (and other sources of income), one friend of mine whom I considered a close friend, used to regularly borrow money like £100/£150/£200 - so almost like a loan situation but she'd always pay it back and quickly too. She was careful with money but spent a fair bit on weed (drugs), she was also from a wealthy background but no dependants (apart from sending money to her family in Nigeria). The last time she asked me to send money via international money transfer, I either couldn't do it, or couldn't do it in time for when she was visiting family in Nigeria. She got annoyed with me and I realised I'd basically been a cashpoint for her. I then broke off the friendship. I realised she thought that because I had money I could afford to do this and be taken advantage of. That wasn't the only thing - she borrowed expensive clothes before this (suits for job interviews), we then fell out and that was the last I saw of them.

I sort of miss her in a way because she was nice and fun to be around but she a few other issues when we did meet up that made being friends with her very hard work.

This person thinks of you as her cashpoint.

Just say no…

I’d send a message along the lines of “Funnily enough I was going to ask you when you can pay back the £X I’ve lent you over the past couple of months as things are a bit tight for me this month”. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about her.

I’d give her the last £20 and say it’s the final time as you need your cash for x, y or z as to why you need your money now.

Sometimes giving a reason as to why you can’t give money stops people from asking (no should be sufficient but it usually isn’t).

You are not her friend you are her local cash point

You don’t feel comfortable? Well then she is your dependent forevermore.

She is buying candles with your money…

I agree with all of this. I’d also tell her that in giving her handouts you are enabling her to not learn to manage her money like a child and as her friend, you want to actually help her instead. Say you will meet up with her for free activities only in future.

had a similar situation - watched someone at the pub put £180 in the fruit machine while we were there one day watching the football, only to have a message from them hours later pleading poverty asking for money for bills/kids etc.

The first time (pre the fruit machine episode), she asked for £20 to enable some child activity, she promised to pay back that very Saturday; i obliged - sent the £20. The second time (fruit machine time) - she asked for money - not having paid back the £20, so i ignored the message til the day after (not wanting the confrontation) - "sorry just seen", nothing more - didn't acknowledge the request for money, didn't expand - just "sorry just seen".

The third time they messaged, this was the icing on the cake! They messaged me whilst also messaging my DH! To me they asked for £150, I told her i was on a weekend away with friends at dinner (true), and that i'd consider her request and get back to her; in the mean time i messaged hubby and he told me about the request he had got - to my DH they asked for £90 with the promise that they were awaiting to hear on a "loan", and would be receiving £150 and could definitely pay him back that week. Yes they were wanting to pay back DH with the money she asked me for!... I sent a reply telling her i wasn't willing to lend any money.

The random requests kept coming, each time i'd respond hours later "sorry just seen". We didn't want to cause hassle in the place we like to go watch the football; shes the barmaid after all. So each time - we don't respond til the day after and we don't send her any money.

If she ever asks in person (which we don't think she will) she will be told "you've not paid back the £20 from last time? I'm not lending you any more money, you don't pay it back"

It doesn't matter how much "spare" money you have, its not your responsibility to fund this woman's lifestyle. You don't need to explain why not, you don't need to express your distaste for what she has spent her money on - that's her decision and its her problem, just make it abundantly clear you're not her ATM and you will not lend her ANY money whether it be for food, bills, kids, anything. Your answer is no, it will always be no, stop asking.

Your probably not the only one she asks...