What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

I have 2 family members who are like your friend (am NC with both now for other reasons). With them, the more someone gave them, the more they asked for and they felt entitled to it. If ever challenged, they would say things like “Oh, Jane has pots of money” with a tinkly laugh and just keep asking or hinting to the person. In one memorable case, they asked for and accepted a brand new car!

Based on my 2 family members I think once you switch off the money flow, they will drop you like a stone. But that is worth doing. As others have said she is a user and is likely talking about you behind your back with her family in quite a disrespectful way if she thinks you are a soft touch.

I agree with all the posters saying check your own behaviour here. What she's doing is outrageous, but so is your own behaviour. It's weird to give money this way. As you say she's not a close friend, i wouldn't ask her any questions. I would stop cold though with a message saying something along the lines of "my apologies X, I think I have misled you. I was glad to help but this has become something else and I won't be providing any more money. This will be hard to adjust to so I thought I should be as clear as possible now and say that I won't be doing this anymore".

Oh no, bow out OP.

I have had this with a few people over the years..it just escaltes and becomes expectation.

I had one constantly asking for money, only inviting me out on my pay day 😅 for me to then foot the bill of their weekend...then inviting others and going "oh she will get these". The last meeting we met and i offered to buy her a drink...at the bar she ordered 2 cocktail pitchers for her and another friend..not a glass...then left straight after...i then had a phonecall saying the train wasn't running could i order her a taxi (after she abandoned me) i hung up never responded to her again 😂

I have a rule now, i just won't lend at all. If someone is in a pinch i will get what they need, get them food, give practical help, Not just hand over a wad of cash. The irony is, i am not wealthy at all, quite the opposite. I just budget rigidly and go without if i run out near payday. Some of these people actually had more money then i did 😂😂

My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

Have you ever challenged her about this? What does she say?

If you really want to help tell her she has to give you her benefit money and you will give it back as required to pay for essential bills only, so she is not tempted to spend it on junk and fags. Or as others have said say OK this time but it is absolutely the last time and don't ask again.

Sounds like she spends her benefit money as 'spending money' and relies on you for bills, it has to stop.

Just. Say. No. For fucks sake grow a backbone, stop being a doormat, and SAY NO!

Stop giving her money! Just because you have it , it doesn't mean you have to give it to her. She isn't your responsibility. People like her don't learn until their personal ATM runs dry.

Because that's how I chose to deal with it?

Cigarettes are £14 a pack nowadays, no wonder she's broke! Never mind the crap money management.

If you keep propping her up she'll never learn to manage her money. Tell her you don't want to mix money and friendship any more, it's too stressful and will affect your friendship, so can she please not ask for any further loans.

Stop being a mug and tell her no.

You lost me at pet food, candles and fags.
FFS she has children! what an irresponsible idiot.

Tell her no!

Grow a spine and tell the cheeky mare to sort herself out and start managing her money better. She is taking the absolute piss out of you and you are letting her.

When she asks say "I was happy to help you when I thought you were actually in need, but I'm not up for giving you money anymore. Please don't ask again." Keep it simple.

She knows you’ll never say no. That’s why she keeps asking.

“Dear Friends, I am starting to feel uncomfortable with lending money. I feel that money and friendship don’t mix, and so to not put our friendship in jeopardy, I can’t loan money anymore.”

If she gives it back every time, I honestly couldn't have it sat on the back while a friend is in need. But if she borrowed £20 regularly and doesn't offer to pay it back that is different.

I couldn't take this friendship seriously. I would constantly believe it was about the money.

She's only rubbish with money as you keep bailing her out. You're not helping the situation at all

It baffles me how so many seemingly nice Mners have no friends, but cheeky mares like this one always have friends willing to go above and beyond.

I’m of the opinion that if she can afford to smoke she can afford to feed her kids. Smoking is a very expensive luxury these days

I wouldn't bother telling her lies about you needing to pay for your car to be fixed or whatever. If you do that, she'll just ask again next month.

Tell her no, and stick to it. If you've already promised the £20 then I'd give that, but nothing else. Tell her that you won't be lending her money going forward as it is making the friendship difficult.

As others have said, I suspect she'll now disappear from your life and go and find another mug.

She's a CF, but you are enabling her at this point @picolosmum.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times

This is where you went wrong, and generous as it is of you, she's now learned to rely on you when the cash runs out because you don't like to say no.

It's time for you to be assertive and set boundaries. Buying her groceries and fags is not helping her manage her own money, but teaching her to spend other people's.

I would sit down with her and gave a chat about how she could manage her finances better.

Actually she is great with money... The spending of yours!!

Stop giving her money.