Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

347 replies

picolosmum · 20/03/2024 04:57

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

OP posts:
2024istheyearforme · 20/03/2024 07:03

Your enabling her to never have to learn. No doubt the poor kids going to go without if she keeps this up. I'd be telling her the honest truth and asking her to get help.

PeacefulSJ · 20/03/2024 07:04

picolosmum · 20/03/2024 04:57

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

Pop the boundary in place.
Say : I will the very last time and then I can't anymore, so please don't ask.

Job done ✔️

If she ask again.
Say no as I said, I can't anymore.

Don't justify why.

Freakinfraser · 20/03/2024 07:05

Does she pay you back?

ohdamnitjanet · 20/03/2024 07:07

My ex bf was having a hard time financially short term so I lent her a few hundred to fix something urgent at home.
She was always a very generous friend to me in many ways, so it was nice to be in a position to help her, but she spent the money on Botox.
She did pay it back but was pissed off when I told her I wasn’t too happy with her as I wouldn’t have lent her Botox money.

@picolosmum you are a lovely friend but time to maybe message her if face to face is too difficult, her response will be telling.

laughinglivingloving · 20/03/2024 07:08

She should knock the smoking on the head for a start.. I've heard they're £16 a packet, so imagine how much she could save!!
She can get free smoking cessation including patches from GP.
Also, why doesn't she have a job? Lots of single mums do!!

beAsensible1 · 20/03/2024 07:10

I’d offer do sit and do finances with her. She doesn’t have disposable income so she needs to stop spending like she does.

you might need to be busy and pull back for a couple of months. Because she can’t pay you back so she needs to stop asking.

can you help her find a job?

Pink39tree · 20/03/2024 07:10

I wouldn’t even give the “final £20” as some have mentioned, because she will think oh I can always ask as “one last time I promise”. It will shock her into reality more if you just say “unfortunately no I can’t give you £20, and going forward I have some new outgoings/sudden change in circumstances that’s will mean I don’t have spare cash to hand out. Whilst I’ve been happy to help in the past I can no longer continue to do so going forward”

ive been in positions like this before where people want to borrow money or want me to do something that I can’t justify spending the money on, they never take “No I don’t want to spend my resources like that” so I also have to often lie and say I’m skint which I know they know I’m clearly not but it’s the only way to shut them up

Hibye23289 · 20/03/2024 07:11

Wtf! Easiest way to not give her money anymore is get rid of her as a friend! She is a scrounger to you

rookiemere · 20/03/2024 07:12

Say no to her and you will see how much of a friend she is.

I wouldn't give her another penny, sod losing another £20 and making it the last one. I presume you have never had any money back from her.

Just say no, don't justify or excuse yourself.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 20/03/2024 07:12

You’re not Elton John. Stop it!
Tell her you’re getting into debt bailing her out & you need to watch your cash flow now. You’re telling her now so she can manage her money better. Hope she pays you back!

sunights · 20/03/2024 07:12

Chances are she's trying desperately to not think about money (or debt!) and assumes that if she had the cash flow she'd be happy to help a friend in the way you are helping her...

So, total up how much you have spent and let her know this number as she may not realise.

And, let her know you are cutting back on and can't afford this in the future - so will need the £20 you are now going to lend paid back on a pre-agreed date.

Then wait and see if you get the £20 back - if you do then you know she values the friendship.

SheepAndSword · 20/03/2024 07:13

Sounds like OP has already promised the £20 so should hand it over and say that's the last time

ButterCrackers · 20/03/2024 07:14

Just say that you have no extra cash. Nothing you can do to help.

Scaffoldingisugly · 20/03/2024 07:16

Ah shit Janet you shouldn't have bought those tabs /candles /rugs. And change the subject..

Lifebeganat50 · 20/03/2024 07:18

£20 is 1.5 packets of cigarettes. There’s that £20 she asked you for, right there

WoodBurningStov · 20/03/2024 07:18

Hi friend, here's the. £20 you asked for, afraid it'll be the last time as I won't be able to give you anymore, so do you fancy meeting up for xx on Tuesday?

That's all you need to say. She had no problem asking for money when she's obviously not skint. ( spent her money elsewhere), so you don't have your felt bad for saying no when you do have the money.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/03/2024 07:20

@picolosmum she is taking the piss!!! point blank NO!

Londonrach1 · 20/03/2024 07:20

Has she paid you back from the previous loans. Yanbu. Just say no. I'd question her friendship as just wants your money but sound of it

Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 20/03/2024 07:23

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

daffodilandtulip · 20/03/2024 07:27

I had a friend like this. It escalated and escalated until she said she'd harm herself if I didn't give her the money. When I eventually did say no to everything, we never spoke again ... and I'm still paying off her debt.

ButterCrackers · 20/03/2024 07:30

Ask her for the money back you’ve lent her. Don’t give her a 20 because you promised this. You have worked for your cash. How long did you work to make that money. You’re working for her not yourself.

Lucanus · 20/03/2024 07:32

WTF is wrong with some people on here? This woman is a complete user who's already had hundreds of pounds from OP, clearly doesn't intend to pay any of it back, and people are saying "just give her another £20"!!!

Just say no! I think you'll find she becomes much less friendly if you stop giving her money. You don't need this person in your life.

Alwaysalwayscold · 20/03/2024 07:36

OP she's effectively spending your money at this stage.

Instead of thinking "oh I can't buy that candle as I need to buy food" she thinks "I'll buy that candle I can't afford and just get OP to pay for my food".

This will go on as long as you let it. I would probably text something like-

Hi friend, I'm going to transfer you the £20 but that will be my last financial help to you as it's starting to ruin our friendship. If you're struggling to manage your finances I'm happy to help but I can't keep giving handouts as it's becoming unaffordable.

Pink39tree · 20/03/2024 07:42

Has OP answered if she’s ever been paid back the money? That’s an important answer for us to know. If she hasn’t on top of saying no to the £20 I would be querying when your going to get paid the previous loans back

ManchesterBeatrice · 20/03/2024 07:45

Don't give her any "one last time", that just draws attention to it.

Next time she asks say sorry, my monthly commitments have changed, so I can't afford to.

If she asks you for any more information, then just tell her you wouldn't be comfortable discussing it.

Also, don't treat her to anything, because she might say she would rather have the cash. Draw a line.