What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

Agreed

I know you may not feel comfortable bringing it up, but if the topic can be brought up could you suggest something I did, when I was on benefits for a while. I had 2 accounts and everything that I knew was for bills was in one account and anything left over I transferred to the other so that I always knew my bills would be paid.

I've never been bad with money or debt but even still, it gave me peace of mind that during the month a bill wouldn't slip my mind and I'd be caught short. Might be a good starting point for her.

How close of a friend is this friend to you @picolosmum ? I'm asking because if they are more of an acquaintance then you can be a bit short with them saying something like "I really wish you would stop asking me for money. Every one is short of money these days and this is getting annoying".
If the friend is a close friend, then you could have more of an objective approach where you would point out that you can see that they spent money on non-essentials while you ask me for money for food/bills etc. I have found that using X app on my phone for budgeting has really helped me cut back on what I don't really need and spend on what I really do need, like gas/electric/whatever. Would something like that work?

Your easiest get out is “I will be in debt too if I give you money. I don’t have it to give and can’t give you money anymore”.
what you should say is that she should budget, see a debt councillor or debt charity to help her frame her finances and find out if she’s entitled to more than she currently receives.
You say you don’t have it to give- your choice is to go in debt for this person or stand up for yourself

Cigarettes and treats ... stop financing this waster.

Stop. 🛑 Giving. Any. Money.
Never ever again .

You're enabling her by bailing her out. if you stopped, she might learn to manage her money better. She would just have to learn to cope. You've become over invested by trying to do a huge thing, but it's not helping her. Distance yourself a bit and don't respond to messages straight away.

Two words..... bugger off!!!!!!! Stop helping her financially and ignore any pleading. I'm a single mum and I always make sure my bills are sorted before I splurge on luxury/feel good buys. Your friend is using you as a cash machine and it has to stop.

I had a friend single mum. Used to lend her money. Later on the shoe was on the other foot and I was on benefits. She got angry because I asked her to pay half on a night out. Don't see her anymore.

I have a friend who asks for money. I always say no, too skint. She knows im not skint, but has to accept it. I know she has rinsed others for money, so I'm not prepared to start.

Say finances are tight right now, and gradually reduce the amount you lend to nothing. Say, if she asks for 20, lend her 10 etc

If she wants candles tell her to look in charity shops for bargains. Don't give her money for smoking. Tell her to use too good to go type apps, and a list of food pantries near you.

I would give her the £20 and as a pp said, use it as an opportunity to set the boundary in advance.

Hi x, here's the £20 we talked about. This will be the last time I can lend you money though, I can't lend anymore so please don't ask me.

Then you have no guilt about 'leaving her in the shit' next time (not that you should anyway mind!). She's been told.

Zilch sympathy for you or her. You give her money so she buys candles and cigarettes? She could start a fire with either, why bother with both?

Do you want to be told you are a kind-hearted human being? Because you're not, you're simply empowering a piss-taker and throwing money down a pit. If that makes you feel better, then carry on.

I find it weird that there are people with so little common sense about budgeting.

I had a friend who was always skint, thankfully didn't ask to borrow but I did seem to pay disproportionately for taxis and rounds. She also had a candle thing and I remember- was there a shop called the Candle shop ? - she spent £60 on the blighters. It made a huge impression on me as this was the 90s so probably worth at least double that now.

I don't get it at all. I could afford to spend £20+ on a candle but it seems like such a big fat waste of money.

You’re not lending her money as she never gives it back. You’re giving her money. She’s sees your money as hers and uses her money for treats.
just say no. She will never learn to manage whilst you subsidise her. And why exactly are you giving her money for her phone and fags-unnecessary items.

Here’s the deal with loaning her money.

1. You won’t ever get it back. Any money you give her…you need to make a mental note to yourself that this is a gift and you won’t get it back—you don’t need to tell her this—you just need to be aware that you won’t get it back.
2. Set some boundaries. She is not your child, not your responsibility, and she unfortunately now sees you as her cash backup plan.
3. If you continue to prop up this friend, she will never figure out how to make her finances work.
4. It’s not your friend’s business how much money you do or don’t have…it is not her money to allocate. You have your own financial priorities, which are not her business.
5. You could say something like, ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve already loaned you £x (add up the total of the trips to the shop/loans/etc) which hasn’t been paid back. I’m not in a position to loan you any more.’
6. There will be awkwardness/discomfort/feelings of guilt. There is no easy way to have this conversation. It will not feel good. Be prepared for this. Be prepared to possibly have this conversation more than once.
7. Signpost her to some resources that can help. The Budget Mom has some fantastic videos on YouTube and she has free resources on her website. Her Budget by Paycheck template is excellent—your friend can map out how she needs to prioritise her Universal Credit payment, whether it’s paid weekly or monthly—she can fill out a new template each pay period.

“Sorry I’m not in a position to go on giving you money anymore”

You don't feel comfortable saying no?! You're a grown up, she's comfortable asking for something that she shouldn't! You have to learn to say, "sorry I can't." It doesn't matter if you have money, she shouldn't be asking unless it's an emergency. If you can't say no, then take a step back from this friendship because you're clearly being used.

Say this to her:
"I'm so glad lending and borrowing money is a thing in our relationship. I'm having a cash flow problem myself at the moment and hoped to borrow some from you"

Either she'll give you your money back and have a less rosy view of your finances or, as I suspect will be more likely, she'll vanish from your life.
Either way you'll be better off.

WTF?!?!

"Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money." So bloody what?!?!?! You work and earn your money - you can have as much "spare" as you want! You don't owe it to anyone else! Certainly not a grown adult who is capable of earning her own money if she's so desperate. I have a friend who earns twice as much as me but never in a million years would I dream of asking her to lend me any money (even though I'm sure she would).

Jesus Christ. Do you also donate to GoFundMe for random people's kids Christmas presents / trips to Disneyland?!?! Get a backbone OP, tell your "friend" you've helped her out enough and it's time she sorted her own finances out rather than relying on others. Sadly I doubt she'll stick around much longer after you stop giving her money but at least you'll have a healthier bank account!

You’re not a friend to her, you’re a walking ATM. I get it, Im a sucker for a sob story as well (despite being a single mum/carer on benefits) but I also know when someone is a piss taker. So I would do what others suggest and say ‘this is the last time, I feel you’re taking advantage and I won’t be giving (not even lending) you money anymore.’.

A simple- no I m not giving you more money.
here’s the number for CAB , give them a call.
susoect she’ll vanish quicker than snow on a warm day

You're a lovely soul, op but this "friend" saw you coming. In reality you don't have the spare cash really, not when you have DC who need your financial support now and in the future. Just say no. If she wants to squander her money when she has responsibilities, it's her issue.

I'm assuming her DC's father doesn't pay anything. Tell her you're saving up for an extension to the house or a trip to Disney land and can't lend her anymore.

Is she a friend or a sponger?

What does she do for you?
Does she look after your kids while you work or if they are off sick?
Does she help with your garden or housework if you are too busy and tired? Does she offer to wait in for a delivery for you?

You have money, she has time. If she offers her time freely then it's okay to offer your money freely. But if she just expects her rich mate to top up her benefits, while she does nothing in return, that's not friendship. Guaranteed.