What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

She’s not your friend, however grateful. Friends don’t ask for money constantly. Say no and see what happens. I suspect she’ll fade away. You’re a lovely person but you know it needs to stop.

Stop being a mug

Is she paying you back any of it? Is it even phrased as being a loan? I think she feels like it's an easy way to manage her life. Nice friend will sort me out. It's not right and she's a mug for smoking when she probably has about £200 a week. I'd suggest free smoking cessation stuff from the GP.
Next time just say sorry, but unless you can pay me back I'm going to say no. It's beginning to feel awkward and I wouldn't want to spoil our relationship..then if it's a wall of silence you'll know she saw you as a walking ATM and nothing more. Buy her a gift on her birthday, gift for her kids fine, but no more cash.

I think you need to be firm and draw a line to say no more financial transactions between you.

I think you should text something like "I really value our friendship, and our friendship is going to wither and die at this rate of you asking me for money. I cannot subsidise you any more. I know you have it tough and I sympathise but I can't help in that way. When you are ready to start looking for jobs I am happy to help with that, and I am happy to sit down with you to help you plan a budget to manage what you have, but I won't give you money again."

If she's a CF user who is only your friend for as long as she can sponge off you she will drop you. If not, you'll stay friends and all will be well.

I’ve already spent & loaned you money this month & am not going to keep bailing you out. You need to look at ways of managing your own income.

it’s not about what you have or don’t have she needs to take responsibility or not

Of course you can tell her you don't have it. Tell her look ive given you a lot this month and I can't really give you any more. In fact I find this borrowing of money is affecting our friendship and I'd rather that we stop this now going forward.
Her money management issues are not your problem even if you had millions in the bank. Having nobody to bail her out might make her rethink

We have a similar friend whose business is clinging on by its fingernails, and has been for 20 years. We have leant him £5,000 before on the promise he would pay us back in 3 months = it took him 18. He is very persuasive though, but he has owed us £500 for 2 years. He is always on the brink of a big deal that will clear all his debts, but never does. He only ever contacts us when he needs more money. We have refused every requesr since we leant him the £500 2 years ago, and will not lend him anymore. Just say you don't have any spare cash with the COL crisis. You will probably not see her again, but that sounds like it would be her loss, not yours.

If you have to pay her to be your friend then she's not your friend, she's your employee.

So sack her. 🤷

What she spends her money on it up to her. What you spend your money on is up to you. But now you need to say no, I'm saving sorry I cannot help you.

I feel really hurt and like you are taking the piss. you say you're skint so I give you money or do your shopping and then you go buy / do x. I feel like you are using me.

If you've decided you're 'too nice to say no', you'll have to carry on doing it! She obviously sees you as a source of extra funds.
If you want it to stop, you'll need to break the association between 'nice' and giving your money away.
And you'll need to say a very definite no. No reasons, no justification. "Sorry friend, I won't be able to give you any more money."

There is a saying that my dad used when we was kids....

"Time to nut up buttercup"

Basically, grow some balls and tell her to fuck off. Why the hell are you worried about losing her as a friend or hurting her feelings when you're little.morenthan an ATM to her?

How old are her children? If they are of school age and she's choosing not to work then my sympathy would be limited. If not then she still shouldn't ask for money except in extreme circumstances - it doesn't sound like this to me. Sounds like she spends what she wants then comes knocking on your door. Only you can stop this OP by simply saying no

She's using you.

Why did you bother to lie ? You could have said a flat no, I'm not your money tree.

I voted YABU as you are being a complete mug, and that’s entirely your choice!

She's a shameless scrounger who's taking you for a right mug. Ask yourself OP,do I really need a 'friend' like her? In the bin she goes.

I was going to write these exact words! OP she is not really a friend is she? She is a user and you are being a mug!

I had this.
Lending money to a friend who spunked her money up the wall. No electric...no food for kids etc. i borrowed her twice..she paid me back first time when said she would...2nd time she didn't pay me back but then asked me again...no you havent paid me back from last time, i hope you can find a way.
She said, but youre loaded, (comfortable but not loaded!) ..i said its principle whether i was loaded or not, no one's business.
We partied ways eventually. Never a lender or borrower be. It causes friction.

This woman is taking the piss. Stop giving her money. She needs to get a job. When you Stop giving to her she'll probably Stop contacting you.

Does she ever pay you back?? This is so rude. She’s not your friend and why should she be wasting all the money you’ve worked hard to earn.

Why do you feel obliged?

Cigarettes cost a fortune and are definitely not a necessity. I would not be happy if that’s where the money I had loaned her is going.

You need to practice some lines OP as it's clearly something you are not comfortable with. I suggest a few white lies to try to soften if that is what you need
" sorry I'm short at the moment because my dishwasher/roof/car needed repairing"
"Sorry my account has been frozen because my card was lost/stolen. Hey do you have that £xxx I lent you last month?"
"Sorry no can do this month"
"Sorry I am about remortgage and I need to save like mad as the rates have gone up massively"

Try a few of these for size. Start with reasons if that makes you more comfortable and then work up to straight up "no". She'll stop asking after a while.

You say you’ve got a few big commitments at the moment and simply can’t afford it. You could be paying for someone else / charitable donations / savings for a car / house whatever. You might save all your spare cash for your pension. That would be pretty sensible!

It’s none of anyone else’s business.