What would you do? Friend asking for money AGAIN

[picolosmum]

What would you do in the following situation and am I being tight and unreasonable?

I have a friend, who isn’t a best friend but someone I do see a few times a month if we are both free, sometimes with children, sometimes without. Happy to help this friend where I can but does feel like it’s start to be a bit of a piss take now.

This friend is a single mum, which I empathise with as I know she doesn’t have it easy mentally (feels lonely) or financially (doesn’t work). This mum lives solely off of benefits (not judging that). My gripe is she is in her late 30s and awful at money management - benefits pay her and a week later she’s skint because she’s spent £90 on non essential items like rugs, candles etc and asking me for money for her direct debits so they don’t bounce.

in the past two months I have done 2 large food/toiletry/pet food shops for her, gave her £25 for her phone bill, money for her fags three times, now she’s asked to borrow £20 again (for something she genuinely needs) and I just don’t want to help but feel obliged to and feel guilty if I don’t. I just think learn to manage your finances better, it’s not my problem. However I’m too nice to say no and I hate it. She’s always grateful of the help but now I feel she may be taking advantage. I have also spent £100 this month on two trips out for us as a little pick her up treat.

Thing is I can’t tell her I don’t have the money, without disclosing my job, it’s obvious I have spare money.

what would you do? I don’t feel comfortable saying no or learn to manage your own money. Help!!

Don't give her money. Sit her down and write down her expenses and her budget. She needs to learn how to manage her money not live on literal handouts.

Don't give a reason just say, sorry, I can't help.

She’s an utter parasite

Hey OP unfortunately I’ve been in your situation. With two different people. It wasn’t until my now husband sat me down the second time and pointed out in less than a year I’d ‘loaned’ my entire inheritance from my grandmother (not much only around £2k) to someone that i would not see again. This during the period we were saving four our wedding/honeymoon and house deposit. I couldn’t believe it. That was on top of all the other money I had given to this person in 12 months. They’re now supposedly sorted and back on her feet in a job a similar wage to mine. They still haven’t sorted themself out and are living with a sibling with no plans to move out anytime soon. In spite of having a good wage (around £30k). And I will never see that money again. I don’t see them anymore and yes it sucks as they had been a friend for many years (age 11-33 and I’m 34 now!) and yes I miss them but guess what? M paying my own way and mortgage. Car paid off and two kids. It’s hard and I know what you’re going through.

I had a friend like this , £20 here and there I would help with.
she came in one day with a £60 river island jacket which she did not need. Then proceeded to tell me she had no money for kids packed lunches that week. I suggested she take back the coat and then problem would be solved.
I think she got the message and never asked again.
just say no

Sorry to put it bluntly, but you are enabling her behaviour and she is becoming dependant on your income. What happens if one day your not there, you need to nip it in the bud now and just be clear that you won't fund her lifestyle anymore as your concerned she is becoming too reliant on it.

I had a friend like this at work, always kept asking me to lend her money for lunch, and wouldn't pay it back. It's bizarre how people make money, and do not care about asking others to give some to them.

I would say there are two approaches you could take. If you are happy to continue lending/giving, then ask if the child's dad is giving her money, and start asking about how she uses her finances. The second approach would be to just suggest cheaper/free places to go to, make sandwiches.

Some people in life do not care about asking for money, and they fe no shame in doing so.

Seems more like a sponger than a friend.
Maybe go shopping with her / help her buy essential food / try to help her budget. But don't give her money to waste on unnecessary rugs and candles - they could perhaps be a Christmas / birthday present? And if you go on an outing to cheer her up that could just be a nice walk & chat - need not be expensive.

If I'm in a position to help anyone then I try to providing they are willing to help themselves if I see they are truly trying and still finding it hard then there's a genuine need for help but she's not helping herself she's not budgeting or being responsible why should you lend her money while she's spending hers on fags and candles although next time she can't pay her leccy bill the candles might come in handy

Remember Polonius in "Hamlet": "Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry"

If she contacts you to meet up, refuse, make an excuse of some sort. But honestly, if she was spending your money on groceries or paying bills it wouldn't be so bad, but cigarettes, what are they about £15 a packet. Just no!

@picolosmum I'm sorry your kindness and generosity has put you in an uncomfortable position. No one wants to see another struggle physically, emotionally, mentally and or financially and this is probably what your 'friend' is counting on.

I hope you have the courage to say, I'm sorry I can't 🌸

Say something like: “It does seem like you’re coming to rely on my money to provide part of your budget. For example, you are buying non-essentials such as candles and then needing my income to stop you going overdrawn. It’s now happened x times. I can’t keep doing this: you need to stick to your budget.”

Then stop letting this CF take the piss out of your good nature.

tell her your going cell phone free.

But she isn’t ‘borrowing’ is she. Next time she asks to borrow tell her she hasn’t paid back the previous ‘loans’.

So you see this person a couple of times a month - so each time must be about giving her money or shopping etc. She is a user. You need to stop this.
She sounds entitled; how about her getting a job and earning her own money instead of scavenging from others. I have little time for grown adults that won’t help themselves - sorry.

Does she pay money back or are you a money tree?

Sorry but to me if she can’t afford her bills then she can’t afford to smoke. That would piss me off the most!!

I'm a single mum and a carer for my DD and benefits don’t pay much and we struggle, I literally couldn’t live if I didn’t have my job which is just a few hours a week but literally every penny helps. I go without to find swimming lessons for my DD, I don’t buy myself clothes and wear the same things all the time…. No hairs or nails, nights out etc… I certainly don’t buy myself rugs and scented candles … she sounds ridiculous! She can’t live the lifestyle of someone who works full-time when she’s on benefits…. Perhaps she could ask friends and family if anyone wants a cleaner, earn herself some extra money to cover bills! But she absolutely needs a reality check and stop buying all the unnecessary crap and stop smoking… she can get nicotine patches free to help her stop!
I’d lend her the money and as you say tell her you can’t keep doing it, also I’d look up a budgeting guide and send it to her.. you’ll son learn whether she’s a true friend or whether she disappears once the money tree stops handing out cash and stops paying for her to have days out! Seriously …. Suggest free things like the park… and feed the ducks… tell her to bring a packed lunch and drinks!

Some people just have no shame. My brother died last week and wouldn't take a penny from anyone even though he was on benefits due to an accident- but taken off sick pay as he was deemed fit to work. I'd have given him the shirt off my back and I'm so angry that I was taken in by a shameless scam artist. I'm sure her and her bf are having a good laugh at the idiot who believed her lies.

You’re being a sucker. She’s a leech, scrape her off.

I would stop giving her the money if you feel she's taking advantage. I'm a single mum on benefits and I know how hard it is however I don't continually tap off my friends cos I know they aren't there to support me. It just breeds resentment. Direct her towards foodbanks and tell her she can apply for an advance budgeting loan if she's really stuck.

I know you’ve decided what to do but I just wanted to say op, she is not your friend. I would ask my friends for money if i really really needed it. She asked you for money for fags. Id be surprised if you continue to hear from her once you’ve told her you won’t be doing any further handouts.

She should not be asking you for money. Next time she asks tell her all your spare money has been put into your children’s saving accounts. She is absolutely not entitled to your money just because you have more.

Try this - give her the £20 since its for stuff she needs and you have it to give, and also give her some nicotine replacement lozenges or Allen Carr's book about how to stop smoking. Tell her you would like to see her quit smoking for her health and because she will have more money for her necessities. If she smokes 20 a day that is hundreds of pounds a month a month. Repeat the stop smoking advice if she asks for money again, saying you are worried for her health.

From me she would receive a spreadsheet detailing dates and amounts of money I had loaned her and then dates and amounts of money she had paid back i.e none
Then in bold caps the outstanding amount with interest added on

Ultimately this just wouldn't happen, if I lent her 20 quid and she didn't pay it back when she asked for more I would say you still owe me 20 quid and that would be the end of it, no more money
stop being a mug op