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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
citrinetrilogy · 18/03/2024 21:36

Why doesn't he want his family to know about you?

LIZS · 18/03/2024 21:37

Honestly I don't think a funeral is the right occasion to meet them.

BIossomtoes · 18/03/2024 21:40

I think at his dad’s funeral what he wants is what should happen.

charliefair · 18/03/2024 21:40

BIossomtoes · 18/03/2024 21:40

I think at his dad’s funeral what he wants is what should happen.

Fuck that he doesn't get to dictate who attends.

OP don't go. You have no reason to go to this.

heldinadream · 18/03/2024 21:41

Well he's just lost his dad, so he's grieving. He would like you to be there but doesn't want the added stress of it being the occasion for him to introduce you to his family as his new partner.
It's quite a big ask on his part but could you try? It's only a few hours and it could help him feel really supported by you.

LeoTheLeopard · 18/03/2024 21:42

I think LIZS is right.

Createausername1970 · 18/03/2024 21:45

LIZS · 18/03/2024 21:37

Honestly I don't think a funeral is the right occasion to meet them.

This.

He obviously thinks a lot of you to ask you to attend, but his dad's funeral isn't the place to introduce a new girlfriend to his family. And possibly he didn't mention you previously as introducing a new girlfriend when a parent is dying is also not ideal.

By all means go, but keep it low key for his sake. If he continues to keep you under wraps afterwards, then you should question his motives.

AndSoFinally · 18/03/2024 21:45

People often introduce early partners as 'my friend'. I wouldn't be upset by that, but I'm not sure if you mean you're supposed to lie about being partners and genuinely pretend there's nothing between you?

Redcar78 · 18/03/2024 21:48

He obviously values you and wants you to be with him but I understand his father's funeral isn't the time he'd want to let everyone know he had a new partner and to meet you, it's not the right time for introductions. I can understand how he feels, could you go down south to spend some time with him but not go to the actual funeral, just be on hand to spend time with him before and after with a view to going back down in 6 months for introductions to his friends and family? Having lost a parent I can tell you he's all over the place right now so don't take offence at anything! Xxx

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:52

He's very independent man and I felt a few months in he was hiding me from his friends and he said that would change.

I don't want to meet his family at a funeral. I have offered to clear my week, travel down and be nearby but he has told me not to. He asked just show up at the funeral. He isn't close to his family so I understand this but from his friends I feel hidden

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 18/03/2024 21:55

Something is off if you've been seeing him for a year and he hasn't mentioned having a girlfriend to his family.

Hankunamatata · 18/03/2024 21:55

Hmm on the fence. I think he should have told friends and family but I would support him and go along with it as he has lost his dad

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:59

I have never lose a family member but I have supported friends through it so I have taken advice and treated him as I would a friend/colleague who lost someone.

The being hidden side of us was effecting me before this so this has just illuminated it for me but I will take the advice. I don't want to miss work, travel down when I have been hidden but I can see that is maybe unfair

OP posts:
CorylusAgain · 18/03/2024 22:01

I completely understand why you feel hurt and confused. If you've been involved for a year it's odd that he hasn't told anyone. And to ask you to be there but pretend to just be a friend is unrealistic and unfair.
How does he see that working in practice? You will not know how he "expects" you to behave or interact with him. He's asking you to take on a false role. That's a strange way to meet his family. Because even in the role of "friend " you will be introduced. You will be on edge trying to play a role rather than be yourself. And does he expect you to stay by yourself? Presumably he'll be staying with his family.
I don't think he's thought it through.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:05

I know some of his collegaues as we are in the same field as I thought they would know by now.

Even a simple thing of greeting him with a hug/falseness feels off

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 18/03/2024 22:06

I think that you would be very uncomfortable if you went to the funeral @Tessa00 . All the time you would have to be guarding what you said, and how you acted when with him. It would be a difficult occasion for you to get through, while trying to hide your real relationship with him.

Also, you do not know his circumstances within the family, as you have never met them. Might his exwife be at the funeral, if she has remained friends with his siblings?

It sounds as though he has got plenty of people to support him within his family, so if it were me, I would give him space to grieve, without the pressure of having to explain his and your relationship.

Once things are back to normal, perhaps begin a discussion about meeting his family, so your relationship can develop?

Semeliner · 18/03/2024 22:08

He probably has a whole
other family no?

NeedToChangeName · 18/03/2024 22:10

I wonder, could you be an unwitting other woman? And he's banking on you not going to the funeral?

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:11

He has no other family. He's not close to his family so this was a reason given all along but he has very close friends. He said they know he's in regular contact with someone.

His exwife won't be there, she has no relationship with them

I think he does want me to attend and all today he is sending messages about support while writing his speech.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtMimis · 18/03/2024 22:14

I wouldn't go.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2024 22:14

I would for now go to the funeral, of course you can greet him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Dealing with the whole "am I a dirty little secret" I'd come back to once he's back to usual life

Qwerty111 · 18/03/2024 22:20

You’re not the one who’s making it awkward IMO.

He could say “This is my girlfriend Tessa00, aunty Maureen”

But instead he’s chosen this farce where you, what, pretend to be a work colleague? A friend from railway modellers club? Who was never even introduced to the dad but has come to his funeral (like a weirdo)?

There’s something odd about this one… I think there will always be a “reason” why it’s “impossible” for him to introduce you to his family and friends. Dad’s birthday, the first Christmas without him, the one year anniversary, the dog ate his introducing hand.

I’d definitely swerve the funeral in your place. And then see if he bucks his ideas up over the next few months.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:33

This is the chat we had by message today, if that helps.

W: Everyone there will think we are friends. I’m not trying to be cold or insensitive. I’m honestly just trying to get through the next few days

T: Thanks for telling me. I just needed to know what we currently are, as stupid as I feel asking a question like that at a time like this.

W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

OP posts:
charliefair · 18/03/2024 22:45

He seems to be dangling you from a long string tbh.

He chased you, instigated the relationship quickly, hasn't told anyone about you a year later and wants to manipulate you into turning up to a funeral whilst staying his little secret.

I would be wondering what he has to hide. I would also be stepping back and looking at how much control he has here along with the emotional manipulation shite.

CorylusAgain · 18/03/2024 22:47

I think he's being unfair to you.
I fully appreciate he's grieving but that doesn't give him carte blanche to ride roughshod over your feelings.

If he values your relationship so highly he needs you there to support him, he should reflect that value by being open about the relationship. From what you've posted, I can see no external reason why him having a girlfriend would be problematic.

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