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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 26/03/2024 16:30

He didn't give you a place on his life where your support could be the one that matters, he kept you out of sight, in the wings. Do for his bereavement those he gave a core position to will be stepping up. This is no reflection on your level of willingness to support people you care about, nor a comment on your ability to sympathise... It's just the net effect of his regard for what you are to him.
Distract yourself with other thoughts, go and hike up a mountain or something, and then pour all of your (not inconsiderable) supportive energy into people who deserve you.

EasternEcho · 26/03/2024 16:53

OP, you must see how he is still making everything all about him. I am sure he has enough friends to support him and he's perfectly fine. He has not made an effort to reach out and find out why you decided not to come has he? I suspect he's not used to things not going according to his plans and manipulations. Just like he blames his ex for messing him about, now he'll use you to spin the same stories when it suits him. As a PP said, his ex wife will have a completely different story than the one he tells. Be strong OP, you deserve so much better than a man wrapped up in himself and stringing you along without any committment. Don't worry about what he thinks of you. He knows exactly what he's done.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/03/2024 17:00

He has all the people who attended the funeral to support him.

I am surprised he was not back at work yesterday ?

Acornsoup · 26/03/2024 17:21

It's not ok for him to gaslight you, saying he doesn't know what you are after 12 months. You either are in a relationship or you are not. He made his choice. Now he is dealing with the consequences of HIS actions. You WERE there for him until he said no thanks. It is on him. Don't loose anymore sleep Flowers

Tessa00 · 26/03/2024 17:26

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon he's a contractor so we aren't full time colleagues, just occasional projects

OP posts:
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 26/03/2024 18:05

I've been keeping an eye on the thread, thinking you would come back to say he's been in touch.

The fact that he never asked why or checked you were ok, means he knows why you've disappeared and probably can't face talking about it

Tessa00 · 12/04/2024 23:46

No, almost a month later and no reply since I said I'm not attending @ChimneySweepLiverpool. Wish a break up had more conversations around it, rather than what happened but not much I can do

OP posts:
EasternEcho · 13/04/2024 05:02

OP, I think this break up tells you more than any conversation would have. His actions have spoken a lot louder than words. If he had the slightest interest in hearing why you decided not to go, he would have asked you. If he cared in the least about his relationship with you for a year, he would have contacted you. You really need to let this one go. Through his silence, he's shouting loudly about what he thinks of you and what you thought was a relationship, but I think you wilfully don't want to hear it.

GRex · 13/04/2024 09:06

Tessa00 · 12/04/2024 23:46

No, almost a month later and no reply since I said I'm not attending @ChimneySweepLiverpool. Wish a break up had more conversations around it, rather than what happened but not much I can do

What sort of reply did you expect?

You had an on-off relationship, where you wanted chats about it while he was grieving. He said no, but asked you to support him at the funeral (i.e limbo) and you said no. That's very firmly breaking up. He was the one who had a loss and might be checked in on despite the relationship ending! Did you think he should thank you for not coming?

Wouldyouguess · 13/04/2024 09:39

GRex · 13/04/2024 09:06

What sort of reply did you expect?

You had an on-off relationship, where you wanted chats about it while he was grieving. He said no, but asked you to support him at the funeral (i.e limbo) and you said no. That's very firmly breaking up. He was the one who had a loss and might be checked in on despite the relationship ending! Did you think he should thank you for not coming?

Have you actually read the thread, at all, any of it?

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 09:45

Have you actually read the thread, at all, any of it?

@GRex or at least the OP's updates? Just click on "See All"

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 10:24

Very untrue @GRex. If you read any updates you'll see he didn't want to be checked in on, he wanted space from OP and then ignored her. He doesn't want to be checked in on OP, please don't feel guilty, he made this situation as bad as it is

GRex · 13/04/2024 12:56

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 10:24

Very untrue @GRex. If you read any updates you'll see he didn't want to be checked in on, he wanted space from OP and then ignored her. He doesn't want to be checked in on OP, please don't feel guilty, he made this situation as bad as it is

Incorrect, why don't you try reading the OP's messages? He asked how OP was, he asked if he could do anything, and he asked if he would see her at the funeral. Her response was a polite no.

The relationship was clearly not working; he was unnecessarily hurtful and unsupportive of OP. Then he had a loss and their communication was best described as messy. The relationship is long over, and it's good that it's over, but since you disagree with me - why do you think he should message OP? What do you think he should say?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 13:41

If it was me or my friend, I would prefer a mature conversation saying it was over, and maybe apologise for trying to hide OP or explain why he did. But that's just me

GRex · 13/04/2024 14:15

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 13:41

If it was me or my friend, I would prefer a mature conversation saying it was over, and maybe apologise for trying to hide OP or explain why he did. But that's just me

Ok. Thing is though, the problem with relationships is that there are two sides, his might sound quite different, usually the other side will.he may not consider that he owes an apology but the reverse. He literally said that he "already apologised", so now he sees OP as having just decided not to come to the funeral to support him. It was perfectly fair for her to walk away, but she is then the one owing any future contact or explanations.

Wouldyouguess · 13/04/2024 15:04

GRex · 13/04/2024 12:56

Incorrect, why don't you try reading the OP's messages? He asked how OP was, he asked if he could do anything, and he asked if he would see her at the funeral. Her response was a polite no.

The relationship was clearly not working; he was unnecessarily hurtful and unsupportive of OP. Then he had a loss and their communication was best described as messy. The relationship is long over, and it's good that it's over, but since you disagree with me - why do you think he should message OP? What do you think he should say?

The relationship was not working because he pretended to be single in front of the whole world while expecting OP to serve him and support him, giving her nothing in return.
What 'argument' on his side if could explain lying to his friends he was single, or being insensitive to her about her health?

GRex · 13/04/2024 15:26

I don't know and don't care what his argument would be, I was taking issue with the suggestion that he might have got in touch. Why? You're suggesting he should recognise all his wrongs and get in touch to applogise, right? But he didn't recognise he was wrong for all the months in the relationship, so how on earth is it likely that he would suddenly decide now that he was wrong?

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 17:14

That's a fair point. He probably wont realise. But I think we all would like to believe people who wrong nice people will realise and apologise in time

But I would be advising OP to not contact him

Wouldyouguess · 13/04/2024 17:17

GRex · 13/04/2024 15:26

I don't know and don't care what his argument would be, I was taking issue with the suggestion that he might have got in touch. Why? You're suggesting he should recognise all his wrongs and get in touch to applogise, right? But he didn't recognise he was wrong for all the months in the relationship, so how on earth is it likely that he would suddenly decide now that he was wrong?

But that's kind of the point? That really op has nothing to apologise for. You seemed to suggest otherwise and that op should have supported the poor bastard because he was grieving, despite him being a lying d*ck who was using her kindness for far too long. So I'd say it's not surprising he hasn't rang, but if either of them should have got in touch, it's not OP. The ball was in his court.

GRex · 13/04/2024 17:41

Wouldyouguess · 13/04/2024 17:17

But that's kind of the point? That really op has nothing to apologise for. You seemed to suggest otherwise and that op should have supported the poor bastard because he was grieving, despite him being a lying d*ck who was using her kindness for far too long. So I'd say it's not surprising he hasn't rang, but if either of them should have got in touch, it's not OP. The ball was in his court.

I didn't suggest OP should apologise. I don't think she was faultless; ultimately she did dump the guy right before his dad's funeral, which is cold, but clearly she had some good reasons too. I just expressed that I'm baffled why OP or anyone else thinks further contact is likely or even useful. The time to rehash actions and conversations is during a relationship, to better understand how to make each other happy. The best outcome of a chat now would surely be a new argument.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 17:46

I don't even think they broke up/ended things. OP decided to not attend funeral for her own sake (totally justified) and they haven't spoken since

So OP was looking for closure or an explanation, unless I have misunderstood

GRex · 13/04/2024 18:02

Ah come on! In what universe would he think they were still dating when she said she decided not to go to the funeral and then didn't ask him how he was afterwards? They've been up and down, but that is extremely clearly stating they are over.

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 18:32

Why are you taking the side of a man who wouldn't admit to having a girlfriend @GRex?

GRex · 13/04/2024 19:28

RampantIvy · 13/04/2024 18:32

Why are you taking the side of a man who wouldn't admit to having a girlfriend @GRex?

I expressed my thoughts before she declined to go to the funeral, as you can see, and then just queried why she thought he should contact her. Neither have treated each other well from what we hear; I'm not taking his side, I just do not think OP behaved well either so I'm not going to tell her she did. Why they weren't in an official relationship is a much older issue, and we can't know why OP put up with it for so long, but it is a bit odd to choose the week of his dad's funeral as the key time to take a stand. Possibly influenced by a recent loss, I can empathise that he was really suffering and it was a particularly harsh call to decide to break up with him then when she'd put up with it for so long before, even stranger to then expect him to come running back with apologies.

Tessa00 · 13/04/2024 21:43

Thanks to them who backed me. I can only share my side. I reckon he's got his. I'm feeling stuck, not getting why he wanted me there, not as his girlfriend. Guess his feelings weren't in it. Not hearing from him since just confirms that.

OP posts: