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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:49

I think he doesn't have space for him to have a girlfriend now. He wants space and I want to understand from someone who has been through grief, how reasoanble this is

I cant text him and tell him I am hurt as it would be very unfair

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 18/03/2024 22:52

It's sad his father has died but it doesn't give him licence to treat you like shit.

Feelingstrange2 · 18/03/2024 22:57

OK. It's a bit of a mess because he didn't tell them. But it is what it is.

He's just lost his Dad and his head will be all over the place. You don't have to go, but I would. Don't add to his grief.

BIossomtoes · 18/03/2024 22:58

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 22:49

I think he doesn't have space for him to have a girlfriend now. He wants space and I want to understand from someone who has been through grief, how reasoanble this is

I cant text him and tell him I am hurt as it would be very unfair

Maybe I can help. I lost both my parents in the same year so became well acquainted with raw grief in that period. It took over my life for a bit, there was no space for me to think about anyone or anything else, every bit of bandwidth was taken up. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to deal with relationship issues of any kind.

Clearly you mean a lot to him and he would welcome your support but he can’t deal with introducing a new partner to his family at this point. It’s too much. To be honest I don’t understand why the capacity in which you’re supporting him at the funeral (if you go) is so important to you. Can you not just go and be there for him?

RampantIvy · 18/03/2024 23:04

That last message from him is very telling. He is stringing you along. I'm sorry.

I would keep my distance and not message him.

feelingalittlehorse · 18/03/2024 23:08

LIZS · 18/03/2024 21:37

Honestly I don't think a funeral is the right occasion to meet them.

This, in spades.

There may be something fishy going on here with his avoidance, there may not be. However, this is neither the time nor the place to be delving into that.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:17

@BIossomtoes (also I am sorry for your loss)

I am trying to agree but I am conflicted

Would like to not attend and understand everything better in the future, either together or apart

I feel more invested than him but I dont wish to be unfair

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 18/03/2024 23:21

If you don't attend and show your support for him at the moment I don't think your relationship would be viable in future, I'm not sure it could recover from that. He's just lost his dad, it's not the time to make a big stand about relationship status etc.

I'm not saying you should feel forced to go, it's your choice, just reflecting on the impact it may have down the line.

BearlyUp · 18/03/2024 23:21

RampantIvy · 18/03/2024 23:04

That last message from him is very telling. He is stringing you along. I'm sorry.

I would keep my distance and not message him.

I disagree with this.
I lost my Dad quite recently and for the first few months I really didn’t know my arse from my elbow. Trying to deal with what had happened, admin, support my family, funeral arrangements, grieve…

So yes, I agree with other posters who have said I think it’s odd he hasn’t said anything before his Dad died. But I don’t think the funeral is the right place to be introducing a new girlfriend to the family, I and I don’t think he’s stringing you along @Tessa00. I just think he probably doesn’t know what way is up right now.

If you want to support him go to the funeral. But save any discussions about this for down the line.

MsFaversham · 18/03/2024 23:21

heldinadream · 18/03/2024 21:41

Well he's just lost his dad, so he's grieving. He would like you to be there but doesn't want the added stress of it being the occasion for him to introduce you to his family as his new partner.
It's quite a big ask on his part but could you try? It's only a few hours and it could help him feel really supported by you.

This.

TedMullins · 18/03/2024 23:24

I wouldn’t stand for this. As others have said, grief doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you like shit. I personally wouldn’t be able to put my feelings aside and pretend to be his “friend”. I’d tell him (if I were you) that if he was unsure of our relationship and didn’t feel he could tell his friends about me, then I wasn’t the right person to be there to support him.

Zippedydoodahday · 18/03/2024 23:24

Are many of his friends going to the funeral? The deceased's son's friends wouldn't ordinarily go to the funeral in much of the UK unless they knew the deceased very well. So he really may not be keeping your relationship quiet to many people at all.

I can understand not wanting to introduce a new girlfriend at his father's funeral. That would be odd.

BIossomtoes · 18/03/2024 23:24

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:17

@BIossomtoes (also I am sorry for your loss)

I am trying to agree but I am conflicted

Would like to not attend and understand everything better in the future, either together or apart

I feel more invested than him but I dont wish to be unfair

Thank you for your sympathy, that’s kind.

You probably are more invested than him right now because his headspace is filled with his loss. It’s a huge thing to lose a parent, if his mum’s still alive he’s struggling to cope with his grief and support her as well. If you don’t go there’s a strong chance he’ll conclude you don’t care and that will be that. It’s really up to you whether you want the relationship to continue or not.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/03/2024 23:27

I would just have a Work crisis and be unable to go.

ManchesterGirl2 · 18/03/2024 23:30

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who's been hiding my existence for a year. It's not fair on you, to make you feel like some kind of shameful secret.

I'd tell him that either I came to the funeral as his girlfriend or I didn't come. And then once things have settled down, I'd be having some serious discussions about the relationship.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:34

His friend group are going, yes. Including his friends flying in from Chicago. His friends are like his family @Zippedydoodahday

I also have heard some of our colleagues are going from his team

OP posts:
LenaLamont · 18/03/2024 23:35

I’d find I was unable to travel across the country.

It’s understandable to not want to deal with the whole “and this is my girlfriend” stuff as he buries his father, obviously.

However, to expect you to travel down, stay on your own in a hotel, presumably, and be treated as a platonic friend in front of everyone is just not reasonable of him.

He asks you to go as his girlfriend, or he asks you to give him space. He can’t have it both ways. You don’t have an Off switch for when it’s inconvenient for him.

Eyeroll2024 · 18/03/2024 23:35

His options are - tell them he is in a relationship with you and he wants you to come to the funeral for his support, or tell them he is in a relationship with you but doesn't want you to meet them at a funeral so you won't be attending.

There is no "hide your relationship from the family" option if he actually cares about you.

It's odd behaviour from him. I wonder what he's not telling you.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:40

I think he just doesnt wish to settle down and this has pushed that further back, which is obviously fine but makes me feel confused. He has only been in relationship and that was with his ex wife, apart from now with me

We have only spoken on the phone once since it happened so the first time I will see him in weeks will be as friends at the funeral (maybe this is also normal)

OP posts:
Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:41

@BearlyUp Sorry for your loss xxx

I hope to anyone who is posting about loss that I dont seem unreasonable, I am just trying to understand and help myself, as well as him

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 18/03/2024 23:44

Wow! You've been seeing him for a year and he's telling you that he still doesn't know what your relationship status is (and you asking him is making him feel awkward).

I'd be withdrawing from him entirely at this point. It doesn't sound like there's any emotional commitment from him.

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 23:44

He hasn't invited me to friend events, mainly because they are the other side of the country but I would have travelled if asked. Hes large friend group and they have birthdays/bbqs/dinners often

Sorry to make it about me, just letting out what I have kept in

OP posts:
PoochiesPinkEars · 18/03/2024 23:45

Personally I'd say that it doesn't feel right to attend such a sensitive family occasion under false pretences, and you're not comfortable pretending to be something you're not to people who are trying to pay their respects to their father, even though you realise they won't know this is what you're doing. It seems disrespectful.

Say you understand he wants support and you will be there for him, but it would be so awkward needing to maintain a facade that you aren't sure you'd be a good support at the funeral as you couldn't just be yourself intuitively. You are pleased he will have lots of other friends there.

Or something like that.

BearlyUp · 18/03/2024 23:46

Awww thank you @Tessa00, that’s very kind of you.

I don’t think you seem unreasonable no.
I think it’s understandable you’re trying to seek clarity in your mind where you stand / what’s going on.
It’s just really really hard when you’ve lost someone to even do normal things such as eat, brush your teeth, shower etc.. so this might all just be on another level of thinking that he doesn’t have capacity for.
I hope you can find a resolution.

Josette77 · 18/03/2024 23:49

After a year he doesn't even know if you are his girlfriend?

I would not be putting up with this.

Don't go. This isn't a relationship.

I just met a bunch of my boyfriends family last month at his step dad's funeral. We'd been together just over a year.

I mainly said hi, nice to meet you, sorry it's under such sad circumstances, sorry for your loss.

You're not announcing your engagement. You're simply showing up to your boyfriend's dad's funeral.

What makes it weird is he has kept you a secret. Who actually knows that you're dating on his side?