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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Palmtreechacha · 19/03/2024 08:13

He's certainly spun you a load of old BS hasn't he?

You say this: He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman' so he has apparently told some people about you but yet when you come to the funeral you have to pretend you're only a friend- that makes no sense. If he's told people already why do you have to pretend?

I'd go to the funeral and I'd watch very closely how he acts. If he greets you warmly and introduces you to friends/family then I might be more ok with it. If however, he virtually ignores you, acts coldly towards you and makes a point of not introducing you to anyone or keeping away from you completely then I'd look and see just how many other female "just friends" are present at this funeral. He could have multiple women on the go and be saying it to all of them whilst they are all creeping around pretending to be just his friend whilst feeling duly obliged to "be kind" to this poor man in his hour of need.

RampantIvy · 19/03/2024 08:14

betterangels · 19/03/2024 07:45

I think people are getting distracted here by the fact it's a funeral. The fact is- OP felt he was hiding her only a few months in to their relationship. This isnt just an understandable reaction to grief- this has already been going on for an entire year. He has been doing this the entire duration of their relationship so it's not simply a sudden knee jerk reaction to a grief situation- it's a consistent pattern he has decided to establish in their relationship well prior to his dad's illness and death.

Yes, this. It's not a new thing.

I agree.

I think the posters saying go to the funeral/give him space because he has just lost his dad etc, haven't bothered to read all of the OP's updates.

he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating

Not even after a year of dating

I felt a few months in he was hiding me from his friends and he said that would change

He hasn't

The being hidden side of us was effecting me before this

He is making the OP feel like she is his dirty secret. Even work colleagues don't know.

honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

If that isn't a brush off I don't know what is.

I feel more invested than him

Thats because you are @Tessa00

He hasn't invited me to friend events, mainly because they are the other side of the country but I would have travelled if asked. Hes large friend group and they have birthdays/bbqs/dinners often

Because he doesn't see you as his partner.

He said he doesnt talk to his friends about women

He doesn't talk to them about you.

I'm really sorry @Tessa00 I know it looks like I am sticking the boot in, but it is very obvious that he is stringing you along. Is he really divorced?

Suffering a bereavement doesnot give you a free pass to behave like this. His behaviour pre-dates losing his father, and I would wait until after the funeral and call time on this "relationship".

Zaxi · 19/03/2024 08:14

charliefair · 18/03/2024 21:40

Fuck that he doesn't get to dictate who attends.

OP don't go. You have no reason to go to this.

It's his dad.

Of course he has a say in who attends

ClaudiaWinklepanda · 19/03/2024 08:18

Presumably the reason he is so insistent that you don’t hang around for longer than the funeral is so he doesn’t have to explain who you are.
It really looks like he views you as a FWB, OP, sorry.

pontipinemum · 19/03/2024 08:18

I'd go, but I'm Irish - we seem to go to everyone's funerals. And I feel the support from the ones we love, friends, acquaintances, the local community does actually help to make you feel less alone if only for a short while.

I've had 3 next of kin losses. Each one was very painful. I think if you didn't go I wouldn't want to date you anymore.

A few weeks after the funeral have a discussion about why he hasn't told his family about your relationship.

SerafinasGoose · 19/03/2024 08:19

Ordinarily I would say when someone is grieving you don't make this about you. Within reason, and within a relatively short period of time between a death and a funeral, you should try to accommodate what the bereaved person asks.

However, this is not reasonable. Granted, a funeral isn't the best place to meet your partner's family, but expecting you to attend and 'pretend' your relationship is other than what it is humiliating. Judging by your updates, it's also calling your relationship into question in your own mind. This is not okay. Bereavement - I've had a lot - doesn't give someone carte blanche to treat others poorly and in my experience, weddings and funerals also have a nasty habit of bringing out the monster in people.

Travel over by all means, support him from the sidelines, and don't make any hard and fast decisions about what you want to do if you feel the aftermath of his bereavement is the wrong time (I stuck with someone for quite a time after his brother died when I really wanted to end it, to 'be kind', and it bit me on the backside in a major way).

But I would not be attending the funeral on this pretext.

swayingpalmtree · 19/03/2024 08:19

Of course he has a say in who attends

The issue is not him wanting or not wanting OP to attend. The issue is him wanting her to lie and pretend to be something she is not. Do you think lying to people and making up stories is a respectful way to treat people at a funeral?

Olika · 19/03/2024 08:29

Putting the funeral aside are you honestly happy with this hidden relationship?

PerfectTravelTote · 19/03/2024 08:30

He's just not that into you.

Don't make a fuss now. Don't go to the funeral. Let him grieve. Long term, the relationship is going nowhere. Sorry.

BIossomtoes · 19/03/2024 08:31

swayingpalmtree · 19/03/2024 08:19

Of course he has a say in who attends

The issue is not him wanting or not wanting OP to attend. The issue is him wanting her to lie and pretend to be something she is not. Do you think lying to people and making up stories is a respectful way to treat people at a funeral?

Is it? Is he asking her to lie and make up stories? He’s asking her to go as his friend, as a pp wisely pointed out healthy relationships are based on friendship so how is this lying?

To be honest I think this relationship is doomed now and perhaps the bereavement has done both of them a favour by bringing it to a head. In your shoes @Tessa00 I’d find a pretext for not going to the funeral and break it off face to face afterwards.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 08:34

@Zaxi

I meant he doesn't get to dictate that OP had to go, which is absolutely true.

FinallyHere · 19/03/2024 08:35

localnotail · 19/03/2024 07:27

I would also say - I would not explain who you are at the funeral but I would act as usual, not restrict myself or pretend. And I would definitely end the relationship if he dislikes it.

This.

He doesn't need to introduce you as anything really. It will be his body language that shows people your role in his life. If you attend this funeral, it will also show you where you fit in his life.

How he greets you, does he greet you warmly and introduce you around or does he say hello and move on.

Seems he is telling you he wants your support in private and to be 'just friends' in public. Are you up for that? If anyone does ask him about your role in his life, what is he going to say. Slight acquaintance? Someone who has a bit of a crush on him that he is being kind to ?

I can't advise you whether to attend and have your status or lack of it made clear although I would definitely be stepping back. Not to play games but to show that you are not up for this kind of relationship. Hold out for someone who is proud to acknowledge your role in their life in public. Not to centre that role but also not to hide it.

Sorry.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 08:35

Posted too soon - under the circumstances of the OP. I wasn't speaking generally.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 08:36

@RosesAndHellebores

Your relationship is very new still

They have been together for a whole year.

RosesAndHellebores · 19/03/2024 08:41

@charliefair in the scheme of life that is very new.

EasternEcho · 19/03/2024 08:41

If it was me, I'd be seriously wondering how many other "friends" are there to support him. Something just doesn't feel right. Maybe he doesn't want another friend to know about this friend.

BrightNewLife · 19/03/2024 08:41

Playing devil’s advocate, Saying “I don’t know what we are right now” may not have a negative connotation. In his mind, especially if he is slower to embark on a relationship. In his eyes you may be long term partner or wife material but he’s not sure yet. I wouldn’t take it as a complete brush off.
I dont like the “don’t make it awkward” though.

if you go you may get comments like “oh you must be very close/special to W otherwise you wouldn’t be here; he’s always been a dark horse/oddball etc”.

I think it will be revealing either way

betterangels · 19/03/2024 08:44

EasternEcho · 19/03/2024 08:41

If it was me, I'd be seriously wondering how many other "friends" are there to support him. Something just doesn't feel right. Maybe he doesn't want another friend to know about this friend.

Edited

Same.

diddl · 19/03/2024 08:44

I wouldn't go & I wouldn't see him any more.

Dontbeme · 19/03/2024 08:46

pontipinemum · 19/03/2024 08:18

I'd go, but I'm Irish - we seem to go to everyone's funerals. And I feel the support from the ones we love, friends, acquaintances, the local community does actually help to make you feel less alone if only for a short while.

I've had 3 next of kin losses. Each one was very painful. I think if you didn't go I wouldn't want to date you anymore.

A few weeks after the funeral have a discussion about why he hasn't told his family about your relationship.

But the man himself says he doesn't know what they are? There is no relationship to discuss. I'm Irish too and have attended lots of funerals to support friends and neighbours but those people didn't deny knowing me.

swayingpalmtree · 19/03/2024 08:46

Is it? Is he asking her to lie and make up stories? He’s asking her to go as his friend, as a pp wisely pointed out healthy relationships are based on friendship so how is this lying?

Well yes, he is asking her to lie- otherwise why not say this is my girlfriend? they've been together a year, its not like they've only been dating 2 months. As for the "partners are friends" bit, come on, you know thats misrepresenting it. I don't introduce my husband to people as my "friend" even though he is- it's fucking weird.

Totally agree with you that its doomed though.

charliefair · 19/03/2024 08:48

RosesAndHellebores · 19/03/2024 08:41

@charliefair in the scheme of life that is very new.

Don't be so ridiculous. It's not a new relationship. We are not talking in the scheme of 'life' we are talking in the scheme or relationships.

People seem to be able to twist themselves right around to defend this man, not sure why?

biscuitsnow · 19/03/2024 08:49

If it was me, I'd be seriously wondering how many other "friends" are there to support him

This. I suspect he probably has a lot of other "friends" but none of them know about each other as heck, they're just "friends" right?

Porageeater · 19/03/2024 08:50

Obviously grief has a huge impact upon people and can make them behave in odd ways. But there are too many red flags here, I’m sorry OP but you deserve better. He has not acknowledged your role in his life after a year. There is something very off about it and you should protect yourself.

Thulpelly · 19/03/2024 08:52

If I wanted to continue the relationship I think I would go and show my support.
If he’s not introducing you as his partner to his family and friends pretty soon after I would call time on it.

I agree he’s put you in a bit of an awkward spot and you’re not being unreasonable at all to feel weird about it.