Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

I don't want to meet his family at a funeral. I have offered to clear my week, travel down and be nearby but he has told me not to. He asked just show up at the funeral. He isn't close to his family so I understand this but from his friends I feel hidden

I understand all of this. I wouldn't be going to the funeral. You don't have to.

T: Thanks for telling me. I just needed to know what we currently are, as stupid as I feel asking a question like that at a time like this.
W: honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now

He doesn't know what you currently are? Nope. I'd be thinking twice about the relationship.

Right dont go then. He isn't committed after a year

This is such a tricky one OP! Were it a happy occasion, it would be easier to stay away on principle. May be take up your friend's offer to come with you. Once the funeral's behind you both, then it's over to him to prove to you he's worthy of you. Good luck 💐

He is asking me not to make it awkward.

(While making it awkward for me.)
Did you stop to consider that @Tessa00?

I would go. I wouldn't pretend not to be with him if asked directly and I wouldn't not show him affection. However I wouldn't insist on being in a partner role on the day.
I'd try and support him.
I would assess if I want a relationship like this after the funeral and if not I would move on.

I think this is a red flag

Absolutely no reason to keep a relationship secret unless you are playing games

After a year of dating a funeral is as good as any occasion to introduce you as his girlfriend

His last message to you clearly states that he is uncertain

I don't think he is serious about you which is fine if you are ok with casual friends

He’s very selfish. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. He’s kept you hidden but now he wants support he wants you to be there but still “hide”. What possible reason can he have for not telling people about you for a year? He’s now using grief (although apparently he wasn’t close enough to his dad to tell him he had a girlfriend) to guilt you into doing what he wants and dismiss your concerns.

If you think it is going to be over afterwards I'd end it now tbh.

Deleted as duplicate post.

He’s told you the answer, this would be a relationship ender for me. Obviously don’t dump him before the funeral, just apologise you can’t make it and give space. And deal with it later. He can’t even tell you what he thinks you are…

Very strange you’ve seen him 1 year and he’s not told family about you, but to you he’s been keen and call it relationship from early on. I’d personally would feel upset at that. 1 year! Normally we tell our family when we are happy after that length of time! No wonder you are upset.
I suppose at least if u went to funeral it shows he’s not hiding a secret wife or something from you. You could hear if his family mention anything you don’t know about him. But overall I’d be wondering why he’s hidden you. This is a red flag for me. It’s up to you. Maybe go to support him & get a feel for the family and what he’s hiding from you then have a long discussion with him to get answers. Or don’t go and tell him you need answers as to why he’s hidden you x

I think his father’s funeral is a red herring in this entire discussion.

He pushed for a “relationship” which presumably means you acceded to having sex with him, yet he isn’t really in a relationship with you at all, is he? A relationship is open to those around. What you actually are is more “friends with benefits”.

He’s willing to do enough to preserve that status. You can come to the funeral (though he’s possibly secretly hoping you won’t) but the farce he’s performing will continue.

Honestly, I think I’d back off. I realise that will probably signal the end of whatever it is you have at the moment, but this doesn’t sound worth investing in to me. He’s going to cause you a lot of pain and probably won’t ever commit.

So he wants you to attend the funeral but not ‘with him’ and then leave again and not stay around for the week?? If that's the case I’d be telling him that you won’t attend. I think it’s really disrespectful of him to invite you and then expect you to just remain in the background… I wouldn’t like this at all and would feel like I was his dirty little secret… His ‘backing away’ when his dad was ill and then a text to say his dad had died all seems more like a friendship with ‘benefits’ than a relationship.. I’d be thinking about this in terms of whether you’re a valued partner and equal or just a booty call!!

I wouldn’t go after that message. If he doesn’t know what you are right now he can get support from other funeral goers

If he said everyone will just think we're friends, then he views you as a friend not a partner. Are you okay with that? If so then go support him.as a friend. I would not be okay with that.

I wouldn’t go. How can you genuinely support him if you have to act different than your normal meet ups. I would send a message of condolences not mention your relationship. Leave that for another day but at the right time, I would be making it clear you are not going to a secret if he wants a future with you.

Can't believe the wet lettuces on here telling you to go along like a good little girl and support him as what he wants right now is the most important thing. He's been messing you around for a year. He's toying with you OP. There is no relationship - he's basically told you that.

Have you heard the expression "We accept the love we think we deserve"? Do you believe his low energy, low contact, low commitment are all you deserve? You're not his dog. Have some self respect and step away - this 'relationship' will never be what you want it to be.

If someone was trying to have a heavy chat with me about what our relationship was after they knew I'd been travelling miles for months trying to nurse my dad, and now it's days after he's died, I'd be questioning it too.

I'd be thinking, why does this person not understand what I'm going through and are they a good life choice for me? They lack empathy.

He's been through the emotional wringer. You're now trying to push him into meeting his family at his dad's funeral.

First time meetings with family can feel a massive thing to some people, particularly post divorce after a long marriage. He's told you doesn't need this now. Listen to him.

If you like him enough, go and respect his wishes. Grief is a bitch and he's trying to tell you how he's processing something really difficult. If all you can see is your "relationship dilemma" over this, then bow out. He deserves better than you.

Either way, stop giving him extra hassle with the "what are we?" question. He's grieving, I'm guessing he has no headspace to try to deal with that too.

I wouldn’t go after that message. If he doesn’t know what you are right now he can get support from other funeral goers

This is how I feel too. I wouldnt go- you wont be able to support him as a partner anyway as he wants you to pretend you arent his partner so what's even the point in going anyway?- you wont be sitting next to him in the front pew, you wont be able to hold his hand, you wont even be able to travel with him to the funeral or afterwards as he wants you to pretend you came separately. There is no support you will be able to offer him that his friends/work colleagues cannot offer since he is asking you to lie about your connection to him. Therefore, let them support him.

It would stress me out worrying about how much I should hug him, what I should be saying if people ask (eg is there some backstory he wants to make up- what if he tells people he knows you from X and then you tell them separately you know him from Y and they figure out you're both lying?). This is an absolute farce and its not the behaviour of someone who genuinely cares about you, grieving or not.

It would have been nice if he'd introduced you before, but that didn't happen. I don't actually understand the issue with going and being introduced as a "friend", when you sit with him it will be obvious to all that you are a girlfriend, but it saves a more formal introduction for another occasion. Given he is long divorced, it wouldn't be expected to cause much intrigue.

Unless I've misunderstood and he wants you hanging out at the back, that would be a bit weird. Have you asked him if he wants you to sit with him?

I don't understand why he can't meet you with a genuine hug and introduce you to his family after the service, saying, 'This is Tessa. I have been wanting to introduce you to her. We've been seeing each other for a while now.' He doesn't have to make an enormous thing about it or have you front and centre.
If he doesn't want to, there is something very off here.

This. I wouldn't go. Give him some space and see what happens

I predict
If you go to the funeral,he will greet you ,say hello ,thankyou for coming,then leave you alone the whole time
You will be upset at his coldness ,yet try to keep it hidden,telling yourself he's upset ,it's the grief .
People will be asking you how you know the man who died , because they ask that to make conversation at funerals
And you will find yourself telling lies in every answer , because he wants u to pretend your friends.
But actually,true friends don't treat each other as badly as hes treating you
He doesn't want people to know ,he is romantically involved with you .
Let that sink in for a bit ,and remind your self you've been together a year

I had a similar situation with my partner in our first year together. His mum died and although he wanted me to go to the funeral, I convinced him that this was his mum’s moment and that my presence there would make the occasion more about the new woman he was with than celebrating the life of his mum.

I didn’t go to the funeral but was there before and just after it to hold his hand. Now, the funeral was local, I am not sure if I would have been around so much if I needed to travel, find my own accommodation, etc.