Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

@Josette77 I'm glad to hear your story and I hope the funeral went well for all

I think some friends know he is dating a woman but maybe they dont know about me as a person. He said he doesnt talk to his friends about women

I feel embarrassed as when he told me I rang my Mum (who knows him), told colleagues I need time off for partners family funeral so that I could plan my support for him

But I also can see that people have very different views on this topic. Which is fine. I need both sides to help

His friend group are going, yes. Including his friends flying in from Chicago. His friends are like his family

He hasn't invited me to friend events, mainly because they are the other side of the country but I would have travelled if asked. Hes large friend group and they have birthdays/bbqs/dinners often

That would indicate that his reticence about being public about your relationship is connected to his friendship group not his family. He has already shown that he doesn't want to include you in that group. His father's funeral is prompting a gathering of his circle of friends and he's made it crystal clear that you are not invited.

I'm sorry to sound blunt.

And I've experienced loss and grief including the deaths of both my parents.

Maybe he's one of those people who compartmentalise their life. It's not a good sign.
It wouldn't give me confidence of a happy future in a relationship with him.
If he wants to introduce you properly but not at the funeral, I could understand, but in that case why's he all cloak and dagger about it anyway.

I think this relationship isn't going to be above board and out in the open anytime soon funeral or no funeral.

Something about this whole thing would make me very very suspicious , there are quite a few red plans that you seem to be ignoring

I don't think it is weird that he doesn't want to announce his new girlfriend at his father's funeral. He probably doesn't have the headspace to deal with people's reactions, comments and questions. It sounds like he just wants to get through the day and this bad time, and he would like your support. If you want to support him, do. But this is not the time to push for a sign of commitment from him. When people are grieving, it is ok for them to focus on themselves. Your relationship questions can wait.

You've been seeing each other for a year now. Whatever grief he is experiencing now, what excuses him having kept you a secret for the rest of the year?

No, it just won't wash. If he doesn't want to introduce you to his friends as his girlfriend, then surely it's considerably easier if you just aren't there at all?

Bottom line - I would not be happy to be treated like his dirty little secret. I would not be attending the funeral.

So he wants you to travel to the funeral to support him.
He refused to introduce you, as his girlfriend,to his friends over the past year.
Some of these friends are now also attending this funeral.
So where are you supposed to hide from these friends? Do you tell his friends you are a colleague? His family is told you are a friend? His colleagues that you are who? His great aunt Maude? Does he expect you to travel but not attend the actual funeral, just hang out in a hotel room until he needs support? I know he's grieving but he's also taking the piss.
Stay home and have a think if you actually want to be in this secret relationship or if you can even trust him.

I wouldn't go. You're either a couple or you aren't, why the need to hide this from friends and family.

He can choose to tell people about you and not have you attend the funeral.

He can choose to tell people about you and have you attend the funeral.

He cannot tell you to be his dirty secret, unless you are prepared to let him.

This is weird behaviour. He's hiding something.

Honesty, don't go to the funeral under those circumstances. Funerals are by their nature highly emotionally charged and this situation was very fixable and avoidable if he'd stopped all the messiness and just been honest ages ago, so the basis of your relationship was out in the open,

I can't understand the mentality of someone not wanting their family and friends knowing about your relationship for so long. The clue is probably in the description of him being very independent.

I'd distance yourself, and if he can't grow a pair and get off the fence then you have your answer. Either that or you could just hang around for months and months longer with him giving further endless excuses. If he hasn't sorted it out by now he probably never will.

You're not his girlfriend, he's just led you to think you are. Don't go to the funeral, do something nice for the day instead. Maybe meet up with your friend who offered to come down. He doesn't want you around; he's not 16 that people will be up in arms because he's dating.. ! Don't settle for a man who wants to hide you. DPs mum died less than a year after we met, I hadn't even met most of his siblings yet at that time but I was still at the funeral with him.

You could be in a 'Pocketed' relationship:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4281522-Would-you-be-happy-in-a-pocketed-relationship?page=1

From my experience

People attend funerals to show respect, support & love for the living family & those that have passed away.

I find it odd that he does not wish you to attend as a supportive friend

Funerals are a time when people come together

It seems very odd to me, that he is pushing you away

I don’t know, he’s not behaving well. Do you know if there is a wake/gathering? Does he expect you to be at that?

option A: you go, hang around quietly, say you know him from <something> then say I’m sorry for your loss afterwards, standing a couple of feet away so it’s his choice to go for a hug, then disappear and reduce your support unless you get confirmation he wants you in your life. A future text might be: ‘I do want to support you through this, as your partner. I’m happy to be one down and stay, I won’t be a secret though. I hadn’t quite realised how much you were keeping me a secret and that type of relationship isn’t for me.’

or Option B: you text ‘it sounds better if I don’t come, don’t you think? I can’t see how I could be any use to you as a support as someone who turns up and you introduce me to a few people as my friend from x, then I say vaguely I’ve known you for a year when asked, hang around in the background and leave afterwards. That seems very awkward and like you’d find it easier with me not there, especially if you were going to be lying about me. Surely that would just make things harder.’
(could he be thinking he’d get sex that night if you came?)

If my brother had a random female 'friend' at one of our parents funeral I would 💯 assume that it was some sort of romantic relationship so surely everyone will jump to those conclusions anyway.

The funeral is almost a red herring here as he's actually said to you he doesn't know if you are in a relationship and you even daring to ask is 'making it awkward' , if he was into you he'd have you by his side and introducing a new partner at a funeral isn't really weird at all it's often the only occasion some families worlds collide.
It didn't have to be weird but the fact is he had already pulled back before his Dad died , he has only spoken to you once since and it feels off to you so just don't go and start to rebuild without him.

I don’t think I could help myself - I’d want to go to see how he engages with me in front of an audience. It sounds like if you don’t go the relationship will be over and if you do go it may also be over but probably more on your terms than his.

It is all about supporting W surely?

OP: I just needed to know what we currently are
W : honestly haven’t a clue in this moment in time. Please don’t make this akward right now.

It's all there loud and clear. Tell him that whilst the timing is unfortunate, you can now see what's been going on, that you are little more than a FWB, and it's not what you want. You won't be at the funeral. There's no "dumping" because there was no relationship in the first place.

But he does wish her to attend only the funeral as a supportive friend. He asked her not to come down for the whole week, as she had suggested.

I can understand him not wanting to hijack the funeral by making it all about his new relationship. It’s a day to commemorate his dad, not W’s own personal life. I think it’s also nice that he wants you there. It will also make it easier for you to meet his family again in a relationship capacity- at least you’ll have already met them. I would go, to support him.

you are absolutely sure he’s definitely divorced….?

He’s put you in an awful position.
I wouldn’t go. Say you’ll support him from afar. A funeral isn’t a time for pretending to be someone you’re not. Leave it to his nearest and dearest. You can make that call. It’s ok to not go.

The situation is very odd, surely at the funeral all he would have to say is this is my partner t and that's it. Its not really going to be a big deal is it, unless he makes it one. I wouldn't go and pretend to be a friend , I'd tell him I'm too old for these games. Imo he's the one making it awkward with his lies and hiding you away. Sounds like he wants it all his way and that's just not how relationships work .

No, I'm sorry but this is deeply unfair of him. You are not making anything awkward, HE is. He can't expect you to attend and then keep up some ridiculous charade about being his friend- how awkward is that?

I mean, are you meant to hug him, not hug him, keep a distance from him- what do you say if his friends ask you how you know him- are you meant to lie or make up some ridiculous story? if you lie to his friends and then it comes out later you were dating all along you then have to meet his friends again knowing that you lied to them the first time. This is all wrong.

I am not unsympathetic to grief- my mum died 2 months after I started dating my now DH but I did not hide him, he came to the funeral and was my rock. His supportive behaviour then actually solidified in my mind that I wanted to spend my life with him. But I would never have asked him to pretend or lie to my friends and family. If it were me, I would not go. He is hiding you and its not as if you've only been dating 2 weeks- its been a flipping year now.

Sorry, this is a huge red flag and I'd seriously think about whether you want to continue with a man who compartmentalises his life so clinically and asks you to lie and keep up a pretence to his family and friends.