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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Attending funeral as hidden romance

595 replies

Tessa00 · 18/03/2024 21:34

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

OP posts:
Zonder · 13/04/2024 21:58

Maybe he wanted you there because he did feel close to you but wasn't ready to go public. It sounds like he has stuff to sort out himself before he has an actual grown up relationship again.

HollyKnight · 13/04/2024 22:20

I don't understand why you're surprised you haven't heard from him. You dumped him when he was going through something terrible - the day before he buried his father. I tried to tell you that if you want to discuss your relationship, to get some answers, to get some closure, you should wait until after the funeral. But you made your choice to do it when you did.

You ended it. It's over. Time to move on. Tell yourself he didn't have any feelings for you if it makes you feel better.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 22:31

I don't think OP dumped this man, have I missed that? She said she didn't want to attend as a hidden partner

HollyKnight · 13/04/2024 22:48

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 13/04/2024 22:31

I don't think OP dumped this man, have I missed that? She said she didn't want to attend as a hidden partner

Yeah, you missed it. That was the whole point of her message. She deleted his number after so she wouldn't be tempted to message him again.

EasternEcho · 14/04/2024 05:25

@Grex Why do you keep saying that OP wants him "running back to apologize"? You asked the question "what reply did you expect", and then built a narrative around the answer yourself with no input from OP. At no point did OP say she wants an apology. All she expressed that if it had to end, she wished it could have been over a conversation instead of how it did. I still think he treated her badly and asking her to come incognito is hurtful. She made her choice, which I think is a good one. There's absolutely no harm in being wistful that things could have ended on a better note and wondering why he wanted to keep her hidden. And I don't believe a loss gives anyone a free pass to treat a person shoddily.

EasternEcho · 14/04/2024 05:33

@HollyKnight OP didn't say she was "surprised" at no contact. Only that she wishes things could have ended with a better conversation. That doesn't mean she should have gone and be made to feel a fool just to soothe his feelings. I don't think telling someone you won't be coming to a funeral under pretense is "dumping", unless he knows well enough what he did was wrong and has taken it as such. In the long run, OP is better off dumping him anyway.

Wouldyouguess · 14/04/2024 06:15

HollyKnight · 13/04/2024 22:48

Yeah, you missed it. That was the whole point of her message. She deleted his number after so she wouldn't be tempted to message him again.

Bit and only did so because he never replied. She didn't dump him, she told him she was not going to the funeral to pretend a distant friend supporting him as he's lying in front of his friends.

LAMPS1 · 14/04/2024 06:31

OP I hope you aren’t taking these ‘I told you so’ stories to heart. They could be very damaging to your resolve to stay away from this man.

You owed him nothing at all. And you have done nothing wrong. You certainly haven’t acted dishonourably or disrespectfully.

Just because a man is experiencing a bereavement doesn’t give him free rein to expect you attend his father’s funeral as an acquaintance, staying in the background, when he has always led you to believe he is your partner.

It’s good you did what you did. He was using you, stringing you along, and he’s a coward. You put a stop to that as you refused to go along with his nonsense any longer. As a partner, you would have attended the funeral of his father you had never met, in order to support him, but as an acquaintance, no! His wish to keep you in the background in front of his friends and family was demeaning and humiliating.
Don’t listen to anybody telling you that you acted incorrectly or that you have got what you deserve because you dumped him while he was grieving.

Zanatdy · 14/04/2024 07:20

I think you did the right thing OP. He probably thinks you weren’t really harsh and that’s why he hasn’t contacted you. And yes it was a little harsh. But so was asking you to attend a funeral and pretend he’s not your partner. My ex once said my son and I were invited to his brothers wedding but we had to pretend we weren’t his partner / child. My 3yr old son would have had to pretend his grandparents weren’t his grandparents, I mean how does that even work!! Obviously we didn’t go. Years on from that the parents did publicly accept their grandchildren (blame religion / community pressure).

Tessa00 · 14/04/2024 10:32

I did not 'dump' him

I tiptoed around the chat, not wanting to push it after the death, but I made it clear I would happily attend as partner. He did not want that so I did not go. He also told me he wanted space a few days before so I gave that

I hoped we would then chat and have a mature conversation in the weeks after but our silence shows that wont happen

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/04/2024 13:46

@Tessa00 He so does not deserve you! You've been thoughtful and empathetic throughout, despite him not wanting to acknowledge the status of your relationship. You didn't compromise on your needs, those are as important as his needs. He failed to satisfy your needs, his loss.

relationship breakups are so often painful, messy and closure isn't always clear cut - but sometimes a break up come with some catharsis. Time to move on and maybe in future find someone who is just right for you - then you'll wonder why you spent so much emotion on someone who didn't have it in them to celebrate your togetherness when he had the chance.

Tessa00 · 14/04/2024 20:31

He visited our town in between his Dads passing and the funeral, saw friends and didnt look to see me. While I was sending food to him, offering to cancel work and do anything asked. He would say 'my friends have it organised/my friends are helping'

Its painful though as I dont know what I did wrong and would have loved to help

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 14/04/2024 20:37

@Tessa00 ignore the posters who think you weren't being supportive. You clearly were and were more invested in the relationship than he ever was. It sounds like he didn't deserve you.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/04/2024 20:54

RampantIvy · 14/04/2024 20:37

@Tessa00 ignore the posters who think you weren't being supportive. You clearly were and were more invested in the relationship than he ever was. It sounds like he didn't deserve you.

This. Sounds like a classic case of 'he's not that into you', which are never words you like to hear when you're more into them.

It will take time to heal and yes, he may tell people you dumped him, weren't supportive, nice, over his dad's death but only you and him know exactly what happened.

As he's a contractor (are you one too?) I'd keep things strictly business like between you from now on, otherwise he can weasel his way back into some form of friendship/relationship with you, and if I were you, I'd just want a 'clean break'. It does sound like he values his friends more than you, and he saw you as, I don't know what, something casual? Tosser.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 14/04/2024 23:07

The grief is still very new for him and he's probably still in the fog. Most men like this come back though, I'd be very surprised if you dont get a text one day but hopefully you'll have emotionally moved on by then xx

Ohwellithappens · 15/04/2024 10:33

I ended up introducing my bf to the family at a parent's funeral. I wanted him to be there but felt it inappropriate to pretend he meant nothing when he had been so supportive. I sent a message a few days before to my family to let them know, they were all very pleased that I had support during this difficult time and it made things easier for everyone.
OPs partner doesn't need to blow a trumpet, people are very understanding about funerals and I think he should include OP in a respectful way.

Catladyireland · 15/04/2024 13:42

It sounds very difficult but I think he wasn't sure about the relationship so didn't want to introduce to family (he may never have). The funeral caused him to think about the relationship and be questioned by OP and he didn't have any good answers

Wouldyouguess · 15/04/2024 15:04

Catladyireland · 15/04/2024 13:42

It sounds very difficult but I think he wasn't sure about the relationship so didn't want to introduce to family (he may never have). The funeral caused him to think about the relationship and be questioned by OP and he didn't have any good answers

He wasn't sure after a year but wanted her to support him regardless?

Catladyireland · 15/04/2024 15:36

Did he specifically ask you to go OP or was he maybe just being polite? You can't exactly ask someone you're 'dating' not to attend

Tessa00 · 15/04/2024 17:36

He asked me to go a few times, I think he assumed I would from his speaking to me.If I was to guess, I think he didnt care I didnt go

OP posts:
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