Attending funeral as hidden romance

[Tessa00]

I am currently seeing a man after both of us went through divorces. Mine more recent, his long ago. No children. We were both young getting married. It been going smooth, cozy and happy for one year. My family and friends know him. He did chasing and wanting to use relationship word early.

I will call him W. W's Dad broke his hip over Christmas and he spent much time down South since. I been on other end of phone, he thanked me all along for my assistance. He said he needed space when W's Dad became sicker and I stepped away. W's Dad died last weekend. I'm from Netherlands so I had learn about funeral culture here. W's has four siblings, some married and some dating. They all seem to be there to help. I wasn't called after death, I got a text later that day, we spoke few days later instead. I sent flowers, I kept my distance but sent text or two a day to say hello.

With funeral approaching he told me his friends and family do not know he is dating. He says one or two friends know he has been 'speaking to a woman'. I have told my friends family about him (many not in England) and some have met him when they visited. A friend here even offered to come down South to funeral with me as she is fond of W. W says he would like me to come to funeral and sending me many upset texts.

I'm tense to post this as people will say I am unreasonable but I don't want to attend and pretend to be friend. I didn't show my emotions when he told me but he could tell I was surprised. He has asked me not to make it awkward.

Exactly.

He's not going to want to have the backstory going on of @Tessa00 is down here for the week. She's going to want me to spend time with her and do things. I've got so much to do. Whilst it's a lovely gesture to be there for the week, OP is giving him more things to think about that he didn't need to think about like entertaining her, or arranging to meet up with her.

When you say you've supported friends through grief before OP, have they been close female friends?

Every man, friend or partner, I've supported through grief of a parent process it so very differently to women.

Can't believe the wet lettuces on here telling you to go along like a good little girl and support him as what he wants right now is the most important thing. He's been messing you around for a year. He's toying with you OP. There is no relationship - he's basically told you that.

Have you heard the expression "We accept the love we think we deserve"? Do you believe his low energy, low contact, low commitment are all you deserve? You're not his dog. Have some self respect and step away - this 'relationship' will never be what you want it to be.

This. As another PP said, the funeral is a red herring. It's not just a few weeks since you've met. This is supposedly an established relationship. He has had plenty of time to mention you to friends and include you in the friendship group. The fact that he has not, and yet at the same time has wanted you to commit to being in a relationship, says a lot about how he views relationships.

It all has to be on his terms. And it won't change with this kind of man.

He is demanding your support as a partner, yet he doesn’t want to see you before the funeral, he doesn’t want you to be arriving there with him, he doesn’t want to introduce you to his nearest and dearest as his significant other or in any way special to him.

He expects you to just turn up on your own like anybody else grieving the loss of the deceased, (who you didn’t even know), mingling with others in the background as if you are a distant friend.

You would be travelling all that way to act out a lie which places you in a very awkward and demeaning position.
I wouldn’t accept that at all.

This funeral has highlighted the massive discrepancy between the dishonest way he wants to present you to his siblings and closest circle and the way he has led you to believe you should be presented as his girl friend/partner. It’s not the first time this issue has worried you. You ignored your instincts on those occasions before, you mustn’t ignore them any longer. There has to be a reason for his reluctance.

Please don’t let him persuade you to go along with this charade for a minute longer. He has hoodwinked you good and proper and you have to be strong to stand up to it or to walk away.

Yes he may well be sad and grieving but that is no reason to have been dishonest with you all this time and to expect you to cover for his dishonesty at a funeral.

If he isn’t actually speaking to you on the phone right now (which is also very odd in itself), I would message him to say that you are unable to attend the funeral as a casual acquaintance because he has led not only you but also your family and friends, to believe you are in a relationship with him and are his partner. You will not now suddenly play the demeaning role he has assigned to you as a friend. Therefore he either explains his position with complete honesty in a way that is acceptable to you, or you won’t be attending at all.

Either he is proud to present you as his girl friend/partner or you aren’t his girl friend/partner (and he has used you)

My guess is that he will then play the victim and accuse you of withdrawing your friendship support at this most sad time of his life.
Don’t fall for it OP. You deserve better.

This is a tricky one. All of the niceness in me is shouting #bekind but I don’t always have the best boundaries or understand what is the right thing to do. I don’t think he sounds very nice or like he actually wants to be in a relationship with you.

Even before his dad was ill, this doesn’t sound like much of a relationship and I think that’s where the problem lies. He ‘doesnt know’ what you are and has kept you hidden from friends and colleagues. You have said that’s not how you want it to be. He wants everything on his terms. That’s not a happy, healthy relationship.

Lots of people deal with stuff like grief and bereavement on their own as a coping mechanism so I understand why he could be being like that about his dad’s illness and death.

But that’s a separate issue from your relationship / friendship (which doesn’t sound like much of either).

Edited to say: I wouldn’t go. I don’t think this is a friendship or relationship - it’s one sided. You are damned if you do / damned if you don’t go. I think I’d cut my losses and wish him all the best. Being hidden isn’t acceptable and grieving doesn’t mean you can be an arse and treat people badly. He was doing that before all of this anyway!

I wouldnt go. Ive lost close people and ive wanted my love ones near me at the time.
I would say that your not going and that he will have lots of close friends there for him so he wont miss another one, and just leave it. I think he has treated you badly and acted like his ashamed to tell people about you. Sorry his dad has died but thats the way of the world sadly. He should treat you much better regardless.

I agree. May not be true but alarm bells in my head

So the facts are you've been in a relationship for one year with W. He hasn't told family or friends.
His father dies and he wants you there as a friend for support even though many of his close friends will be attending.
Maybe his head is all over the place, but close friends and some family won't be.
You will have to lie about details of a fake friendship, about a relationship.
He has lied by omission for one year about your relationship. It's all based on lies and more lies if you go to the funeral.
How will he be upfront and honest about you in future to friends and family after this fiasco? If he hasn't been honest about you for one year, he never will be.

If I were you, I think I would go and be there for him as its a difficult time and I would not want to make it harder for someone who lost his parent. I would imagine if you stay together the fact that you abandoned him at this time would be damaging to your relationship - I would get upset if someone very close to me chose not come to support me on a very difficult day.

But I would really step back afterwards until he makes the situation clearer regarding your status - one year is enough time to let the family/ friends know you are his GF. I find it really odd he still says you are his "friend" - I would imagine everyone knows what you are, it just makes it look like your relationship is not serious.

I’ve been rethinking and I think I’d change my reply. ‘Whats awkward is you asking me to lie, and that would be awkward no matter the situation. I will come if you still want me too, but I’m not interested in lying to all your friends and family, that is not ok. Let me know.’

I would also say - I would not explain who you are at the funeral but I would act as usual, not restrict myself or pretend. And I would definitely end the relationship if he dislikes it.

Hmm. I think you should go if this man is a friend as well as a lover. You can have a friend without being a lover but you can't have a lover without being a friend in a healthy world.

I think it's complex and many many Englishmen don't wear their hearts on their sleeves. For all you know family may have pushed him in the past about his relationships or teased and pulled his leg. Some families do.

This is a difficult time and partners have to learn how the other grieves, it's part of becoming a resolute union. DH grieves differently to me - we have both lost our fathers - mine in 2001, DH's 2008. It is about learning each other's everything.

Your relationship is very new still and neither of you, by the sounds of it, know where it is going in the longer term. For now, be a friend and give him time and space. I think it's too much to ask him during a time of grief and on the day he is burying his father to also be introducing family and friends to a newish partner with all the expectations that come alongside that.

Go to the funeral as a friend because hopefully you are both friends whatever the future may bring.

Me too.
Is he expecting you to sit with him at the funeral or somewhere at the back out of sight? Will he even acknowledge you’re there?
I think he using you, you’re a convenient friend for when it suits him.
I wouldn’t go, I have more self respect than too be dangling on a string for a man. I also suspect you’re the other woman , especially as he’s probably going to ignore you so his family don’t twig, and you’ll be in for a nasty surprise at the funeral.

The man has lost his father so I would just be supportive, like a good friend, and see what transpires aver the next few weeks.

If the relataionship is to continue, you will be pleased to have attended the funeral.

Once you are there it might be obvious that you will be seated near him. I think you will learn a lot by going and seeing how he reacts.

he sounds like a weirdo mate

WTAF do you owe him? He is ashamed of you and or your relationship

Death or no death I would bin him

I met my brother’s gf for the first time at my dad’s funeral. It wasn’t a thing so I’m not sure why it would be seen as one here. We did know she existed though so maybe it’s the secrecy that’s the issue.

Sorry haven’t read the full thread but why are you a secret?

I don't see why it's considered odd to introduce a partner at a funeral. It would be odder to attend masquerading as just a friend. Surely we're all grown-ups and it's a given that a person might have a partner that comes to the funeral.

I think people are getting distracted here by the fact it's a funeral. The fact is- OP felt he was hiding her only a few months in to their relationship. This isnt just an understandable reaction to grief- this has already been going on for an entire year. He has been doing this the entire duration of their relationship so it's not simply a sudden knee jerk reaction to a grief situation- it's a consistent pattern he has decided to establish in their relationship well prior to his dad's illness and death.

So, this isnt new or motivated by grief- it's merely a continuation of him wanting to hide OP and I wonder why? I fully understand that not everyone is comfortable sharing relationship info on Facebook and in public and what not, but this is on a whole different level as he is actively asking you to lie to his friends and family. It's one thing to not want to make a song and dance about a new partner but it's another thing entirely to ask them to literally pretend they arent with you in public. Most people would feel understandably hurt and confused by this even if they are naturally private people. It gives off the impression that he is ashamed of you or is hiding something- thats the natural conclusion most people would make.

This really isnt about the funeral at all, the funeral has simply brought a pre-existing unhealthy situation to a head and brought it out into the light so its transparent for the OP to see.

It's really up to you if you go or not but personally, I would not feel comfortable lying to people at the funeral of a person I had not even met. I don't think thats particularly respectful for others at the funeral either- to deceive them and pretend to be someone you are not.

Unfortunately, I don't think he will change, if he cannot be open about caring about you after a year, I wouldn't hold out much hope that anything will change any time soon. Plus, in a year's time, he could still be saying he's not ready due to grief and by then you will then have wasted 2 years on this man. How much longer are you meant to wait OP?

I think people are getting distracted here by the fact it's a funeral. The fact is- OP felt he was hiding her only a few months in to their relationship. This isnt just an understandable reaction to grief- this has already been going on for an entire year. He has been doing this the entire duration of their relationship so it's not simply a sudden knee jerk reaction to a grief situation- it's a consistent pattern he has decided to establish in their relationship well prior to his dad's illness and death.

Yes, this. It's not a new thing.

But is OP an “early partner”?

This. A year. You're a secret.

He’s expecting you to consider his wishes, but isn't reciprocating. “Please don’t make this more awkward” - for him. This isn’t a person who cares about you.

I think if it were me, I’d tell him that it’d be better if I didn’t attend. If you’re introduced as ‘my friend from work’ or whatever, what happens when you do actually get introduced as a girlfriend of more than a year (if that ever happens)? Won’t people think it extremely odd that you’d both pretended you weren’t in a reasonably established relationship the last time you met?

It’s all very weird and lots of alarm bells are ringing. I think some time apart to decide what the future holds is the best way forward. You don’t deserve to have this man string you along any longer.

I see two issue. The Funeral, I would be guided by his wishes as it's his way of mourning. The second, is that your relationship is very tenuous.

I understand you share similar working circles with some of his friendship group, so a certain level of discretion is natural. But, the fact that he has had no issue over the last year socialising with your own family/friend group, yet is plainly wanting to keep you separate his own friendship group is very telling.

This tells me that he would have no problem walking away from the relationship, because he can cleanly remove you from his life. His friends will only know that he was seeing an anonymous woman for a while, but no longer. He smoothly moves on with his life. He could even be seeing someone else, and you and his friends would never know, because they haven't even got a name to go by.

It's not unusual for people not to want to meet friends and family even after a year, but I'd does feel off that he's happy to meet your friends and family, but clearly wanting to keep you separate from his large, close group of friends.

The question is, is he keeping you from his friends, or his friends from you.