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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:
IfIwasrude · 18/03/2024 11:45

She should be grateful for the love you have for her and she's old enough to be happy for you.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 18/03/2024 11:45

Sorry but it's absolutely nothing to do with her. I guess it's a bit unusual to have a child who's younger than your grandchild, but not that surprising given you've both had children young, and I assume your DH is not her dad. Would it help if you told her that this was a much planned and wanted child?

Overtheatlantic · 18/03/2024 11:45

She’s out of line. I’m assuming you have supported her choices in life? Also, your body your choice!

bevelino · 18/03/2024 11:46

Congratulations OP. Your dd is jealous that you are having a baby and it will no longer be just her. She needs to grow up.

MallorcaNights · 18/03/2024 11:47

She’s being ridiculous.

Congratulations Flowers

readytoexplode24 · 18/03/2024 11:47

Probably just upset that she's loosing her free babysitter. Ignore her she'll get over it.

BeaRF75 · 18/03/2024 11:49

It is none of her business. If she is bothered about rooms, she needs to move out and live like the adult she is supposed to be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2024 11:51

Congratulations! You’ve had a crappy time getting here, it’s great news.

Shes’s jealous. Her place as the new mum has been threatened and she wants her own DD to be everyone’s top priority. She’ll hopefully get over herself but don’t put up with any nasty comments. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Wishing you a peaceful healthy rest of your pregnancy 😊

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/03/2024 11:52

BeaRF75 · 18/03/2024 11:49

It is none of her business. If she is bothered about rooms, she needs to move out and live like the adult she is supposed to be.

She doesn’t live there. She’s annoyed the room her baby sleeps in occasionally will go to the OP’s baby when it arrives.

Westfacing · 18/03/2024 11:52

You could remind that she is also a young mother and likely to be a young grandmother, if her daughter follows in your and her footsteps!

Hannahoo · 18/03/2024 11:52

Congratulations. She doesn't get to dictate what you do, she needs to have a fucking word with herself.

Original poster
pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:53

BeaRF75 · 18/03/2024 11:49

It is none of her business. If she is bothered about rooms, she needs to move out and live like the adult she is supposed to be.

She doesn't live at home, she lives with her partner and dd. We just have her dd to stay over occasionally.

OP posts:
SunSparkle · 18/03/2024 11:54

You see I’ve been through similar in that my mum had a baby at 45 when I was 21 and I did mourn the fact that my mum would have different responsibilities and that her relationship with my future (unborn) children would be different and it is. By the time I had my daughter at 33 (and in many ways I put off having kids a bit longer because of my relationship ship with my new sibling) my mum still has caring responsibilities for her own young child which means she has less flex to ‘help’ with mine. She will come round but i can understand she’s wrapping her head around things. Give her some time. It sounds like you’ve been a fan gran! Maybe it will surface that she was also wanting to have another child and perhaps she thinks this will overshadow that or they were making decisions about their own family based k a. Presumption of certain assistance from you that might be not available now. Additionally try not to force a really close sibling relationship between kids that are 20+ years apart. It’s really really hard to find common ground when you’re a whole generation apart.

I love my sister but the sibling relationship we have is very different to that I have with siblings closer in age.

Willnoonethinkofthebirds · 18/03/2024 11:58

She sounds jealous, self-centred and immature. If she is old enough to have a child of her own, she is old enough to be told that you have been trying for years without success. And that you are disappointed that she cannot be happier for you both that your long held desire is finally happening.

Enjoy your pregnancy, don't let her ruin it. Hopefully, she will accept it and her sibling and child can be playmates in couple of years time.

Congratulations!

SpringSprungALeak · 18/03/2024 12:05

@pebblecity

🌷💕congratulations 💕🌷

she's being a selfish mare. Me me me. I get that it's BIG news for her, but she's grown up now & she needs to learn it's NOT all about her.

nothing much needs to change, except you might redecorate 'her' room. & when her DD stays over. She'll need to share, which she'll probably love anyway.

when I was 8/9/10 I had a friend who had much older sisters (20's) [she was a very unexpected addition to their family, but much loved & spoilt]. She had several nieces & nephews by then of various ages. It was a bit odd having older ones than we were, when we thought about it, But they were much like cousins day to day.

i myself have Aunties that are only 12 years older then me.

families come in all different shapes!

tell her to stop being so selfish & accept that you two have been trying for a baby & you are VERY happy to be pregnant. That you don't intend your relationship with DGC or her, to change.

crack on being HAPPY.💕🌷

distinctpossibility · 18/03/2024 12:06

Firstly, congratulations. What wonderful news, especially after such a long journey.

However - I do get where your DD is coming from. You have had years (sadly) to plan for this and knew it was the game plan. She - quite rightly - wasn't privy to any of that and probably thought you weren't even thinking about it. It is a lot to get her head around - she won't be an only child anymore, and your relationship will be different. She might be worried that the parent/ child role may reverse for a time as she "looks after" you immediately post-partum, and that any future childcare arrangements won't be simply you as a granny spending time with DD - it'll maybe be a reciprocal arrangement, and DD won't get one-to-one time.

None of these individually (or even collectively) are reasons to be outwardly hostile to the new pregnancy which was a bit out of order BUT the feelings of uncertainty are justified IMHO and I imagine she just needs a bit of time to get used to it. Plus, it's biologically 100% normal and appropriate to feel disgusted at the idea of parents having sex whether you're 13 or 23.

TheGreatGherkin · 18/03/2024 12:40

Tell her to wind her neck in. It's none of her business and she needs to grow up.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/03/2024 13:11

I could understand her disgust if she was 13, but at 23 your DD is old enough to understand. I suppose she thought her DC would be the only DGC and you'd be devoted DGPs but now you'll have your own baby to look after. Give her a bit of time to get over the shock Op, hopefully she'll come around

ElliottFromScrubs · 18/03/2024 13:16

Lol I wouldn’t be delighted but it’s none of her business at the end of the day

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/03/2024 13:16

Wow, what a nasty, entitled, wicked woman. How dare she!

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! Absoute;y over the moon for you. Do not entertain any negativity from your daughter.

rainbowsparkle28 · 18/03/2024 13:16

She needs to grow up. It is not for her to dictate what you do with your life and decisions around becoming a parent again. I can recognise she may need to get her head around it but aside from that do not give it any more headspace you are your own person.

ArcticOwl · 18/03/2024 13:20

It has nothing to do with her, and she should have absolutely NO say in any decision in what you do with your body.

She sounds like a selfish, self centred madam.

Ignore her, she will get over it, enjoy your pregnancy.

LenaLamont · 18/03/2024 13:21

Congratulations!

In fairness to your daughter, she had no idea this was on the cards and as you have a 23 year gap and a grandchild, she isn’t unreasonable to believe that phase of your life is long over.

As a new mother herself, she’s no doubt finding it weird and kind of disturbing to think of a baby sibling younger than her own child.

She’ll need to get her head around it. Give her some space to readjust to the new normal, but don’t tolerate any nonsense from her. She had a long time as an by, but that’s over now.

Best of luck with your pregnancy!

PeryleneGreen · 18/03/2024 13:21

Your daughter is behaving selfishly to make you feel bad about this. Even if she finds the situation awkward and doesn't love the idea of a sibling when she's been the only child for so long, she should respect you enough to be positive about it for your sakes.

Of course YANBU to have your second child. I'd hope that your adult daughter snaps out of it soon and is more supportive, or at the very least that she'll feel differently when her new baby sibling is born. If you have a close enough relationship, I think I'd tell her that you've struggled with miscarriages. That might wake her up to how self-absorbed she's being, to know that this baby is much-wanted by you and her father.

WearyAuldWumman · 18/03/2024 13:23

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Sounds as though your daughter is upset at the prospect of losing you as a babysitter.

I get that the age gap seems weird to her, but it's not that unusual.

Heck, my grandmother's eldest child was the same age as great-granny's youngest. (ISTR that great-granny had 10 children.)