To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Your DD can grow up for starters. It’s not up for debate. Be happy for you or jog on. Congrats.

It's just shock, she'll come round.

Well I can understand the shock she must feel that her own daughter will be older than your child, and maybe she assumed you didn't want more DC as it's taken you so long - without her knowledge of your losses.

I'd think she'll come round so I would leave it for now. If she carries on I would just say 'DH and I are very happy and excited about this baby, who is very much wanted and planned. I hope you can be too'.

She is being very selfish, if you want another baby and are having one, she has no right to guilt trip you!
I have friends who’s dad remarried and had more children when they were adults … it has made their relationship with him very different!…. My friend says her dad hasn’t been a grandfather to her children at all because he has children the same age as his grandchildren… but she excepts that because he was happy. But still found it sad. I suspect your Dd finds it odd that her DD will have a sister/brother younger than her… however it sounds like your DD is an only child so her children won’t have maternal cousins.. now they’ll have a aunt that can be like a cousin….
your DD can’t expect you to have a bedroom there for her DD anyway.. whether you have another baby or not!! She sounds entitled in that respect!! She sounds pissed off that you won’t be as available to babysit!! Very selfish indeed!

Your daughter is being, frankly, a twit. It’s not up to her and she’s being very unpleasant to have such a negative reaction to your happy news (congratulations by the way 💐) especially when it seems her reasoning is entirely selfish!

Congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy. Your DD is completely unreasonable and acting like a brat, not a grown woman with her own child.

It's none of her business and she needs to keep her beak out.

Please ignore her whinging and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and much wanted baby when he/she arrives.

The ewwww yuk I can kinda understand (no one wants to think of their parents having sex) and of course the shock especially if she didn’t know you wanted another baby but she should have been happy for you especially once she knew you are happy about it.

she is probably in shock and trying to work out her logistics. She may also be struggling and have hoped to ask for a little bit more help but now doesn’t feel like she can or maybe even feels like she may need to have her baby sibling in due course.

I agree this is probably at the root of it 😕

She needs to get a grip, my half brother was born in between my two daughters and is 30+ years younger than me, the kids are growing up together and have a wonderful relationship. My dad and his partner (my half brother’s parents) are wonderful grandparents and have my daughters over to stay fairly regularly.

Congratulations on your happy news.
Sorry to hear your daughter is being so incredibly self centred and heartless about a child that would be her sibling. I’d reiterate that you still plan to have a good relationship with her child and to help out, in case this is causing her anxiety, but you’re not going to tolerate her continuing to be negative about a much longed for pregnancy and if she chooses to behave that way then you’ll have no choice but to distance yourself.

She being very immature IMO.
Was she really so oblivious that you wanted another child? You're only 40, some women are only having their first baby at this age. My parents had me at 16 so I always knew that there may have been the possibility of half siblings, I was 17 when my brother was born.
Is it the fact that her child will be older than its aunt/uncle? Or the possibility that she feels that this baby will mean that you are not available to look after her child/your grandchild.
She's lucky to have you and I think it will be nice for her child and your baby to grow up together.
I hope she comes round once she's had time to get used to the idea, she should be happy for you.

I think people are being a bit dismissive of the fact that most 23 year olds would have mixed feelings about their mother (who they see as old) suddenly having a baby unexpectedly in her forties and after becoming a grandmother. I would have found that a lot to get my head around, and I don't think unqualified joy should be expected. I remember sitting in a pub with friends at about 20 and one friend made a similar announcement about her mother - none of us knew quite what to say.

However she will get used to it and it will be fine.

She’s likely shocked.

Shes 23 and has a child of her own and suddenly the idea of her, her mum and daughter doing some fun three generation things as well as the idea of the dotting granny and grandad has vanished.

Because honestly you won’t be the same mum to her or grandmother to her daughter or any future children as you currently where/are with having your own baby/young child again. Your daughter and your new child also won’t have the same sibling relationship due to the gap and her having her own. Maybe an aunty or cousin type relationship but not siblings.

But I’m sure once the shock wares off she will be fine and of course you can have a baby whenever you want. Congrats

She’s an adult with a child of her own. She sounds quite immature, she should be happy for you. It’s lovely news and congratulations.

my eldest son is 23 and his dad and his wife are having baby no4 and my son isn’t best happy about it tbh however he’s not throwing a wobbler. I’d just say it’ll be lovely for her child and yours to share the room and play together but don’t put up with the dramatics. I mean the adults on here doing yuk parents having sex etc how do you think any of us got here a flipping stork

Congratulations.

She's being a selfish entitled brat. What does she want you to do? put your life on hold so she can have a free babysitter and an empty room just sitting waiting for her child? Abort your longed-for baby for her convenience?

She's a grown woman and it's time she started acting like one. I'd be telling her this.

Honestly, this is the sort of thing you might joke about but never actually think.

Well, I’m not surprised she feels a bit gross about it. Is it with her dad?

Why? shes 40, not 60.

If she wasn't expecting this I can imagine it came as a big shock for her! I can understand that she feels it will change your relationship with her and she might feel upset at being "replaced". I think the posters calling her nasty are being a bit harsh. Hopefully she'll come round when she gets used to the idea.

It’s nothing really to do with her, she is a grown adult woman with her own family who is behaving like a petulant child. you can have as many children as you want, did she consult you whether it was ok for her to have her baby…. She needs to grow up

I unexpectedly became a sister again when I was in my late 20s, and my children were nearing ten. I was nothing but joyous and gracious about it. It can never be a traditional sibling relationship but it can be just as lovely.

A neighbour of mine had their youngest DC in the same class in primary as their oldest DGC. The uncle/nephew were best friends and grew up together as the neighbour cared for her grandchild part of the week. Your child and grandchild will grow up a bit like cousins. It means that they will have a relative of the same age group I am sure your daughter will come round once it sinks in.

Congrats OP! Does she know you've been ttc? I'd assume it's just a shock and she'll be happy for you once she's wrapped her head around things a bit more.

Or the possibility that she feels that this baby will mean that you are not available to look after her child/your grandchild.
I think this is the likely reason for her reaction. Perhaps you are the doting, fabulous granny and she's worried that somehow this will no longer be the case and her DC will no longer be the centre of your attention - which when you have your new baby will be the case and is understandable.

She should have been more tactful in her response.

Congrats.

Well it is an odd situation, so I don't think you can blame her for being shocked! I have a 2 year old and my mum is 10 years post-menopause now, so not going to happen, but I would not be thrilled if she did somehow announce she was having another child! But I would get over it in time, and I'm sure your daughter will too. I'd let her know how wanted the child is, so she doesn't think it's just an accident. And make it clear your love for her and her child won't lessen because of your pregnancy.

Go ahead with the pregnancy. You'll resent your daughter if you were pressured into terminating a much wanted baby.

I think it's one of those things where she'll eventually come to terms with it and, in the end, be thrilled to have another much loved member of her extended family.