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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

535 replies

pebblecity · 18/03/2024 11:43

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

OP posts:
Devilshands · 18/03/2024 17:03

Rainydays577 · 18/03/2024 15:48

Very surprised at all the responses on here. From someone who has been in exactly the position of your daughter I understand how she feels. The sadness that I don’t have a normal (adult) child - parent relationship and my child doesn’t have a decent grandparent - grandchild relationship has never left me. Don’t delude yourself that you can be a good grandparent and parent to your adult child alongside caring for a very young child. The latter is too demanding as you already know having experienced. I really feel for your DD.

I’m the ‘second child’ in OPs scenario (so other side to Rainy who was the older sibling.)

My ‘nephew’ is older than me. My sister is 20+ years older than me. It’s shit. Absolutely awful. Genuinely wouldn’t wish the situation on anymore. It destroyed my parent’s relationship with my older sister. I have no relationship with my nephew - and all our friends are mutual friends by the nature of growing up nearby and being of a similar age (same bloody year group) which is awful. Literally words cannot describe how awful. It’s shit. The judgment growing up from other children and their parents. Knowing my sister despised my existence…

I’m genuinely happy for OP, but posters pretending this is not life-changing and going to deeply affect both the unborn and the older daughter are ridiculous. It’s great news for OP, but it’s not for her daughter and whilst the daughter doesn’t get a say, it’s callous and unreasonable to expect her to suck it up.

Comedycook · 18/03/2024 17:04

She's worried she's going to lose her free babysitter

DinnaeFashYersel · 18/03/2024 17:06

Your DD needs to grow up.

Boomboxio · 18/03/2024 17:08

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 18/03/2024 13:45

Well, I’m not surprised she feels a bit gross about it. Is it with her dad?

Really? 😂

dottiedodah · 18/03/2024 17:11

I think give her some time t get used to the idea.She is still quite young, and was probably a bit shocked at your news .I think when baby arrives she will be fine .The children will be close in age and become friends

Roselilly36 · 18/03/2024 17:11

Many congratulations, your DD will soon settle to the idea. Try not too worry. I am sure you wouldn’t tell your adult DD if she could have another baby or not. Good luck OP, wishing you all the best for a healthy pregnancy Flowers

namechanged0 · 18/03/2024 17:12

My DH is the "new sibling" in this scenario and tbh it caused a lot of issues. His older siblings greatly resented him and even now he's accused of being "the favourite". His parents were also better off when he was growing up and materially, he probably had a nicer time of things than his siblings.

I'm not saying don't do it, but be prepared for them to not have much of a relationship and for any issues to carry on well into adulthood. DH is 40 now and just this weekend there was a big bust up where things from his childhood were brought up and his dad was accused of playing favourites as he's the "baby".

pinkyredrose · 18/03/2024 17:14

Congratulations OP!

Your daughter is out of order, tell her she's a mother now and needs to grow up.

hotpotlover · 18/03/2024 17:15

Devonshiregal · 18/03/2024 16:27

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

  • Shes used to having you to herself.
  • She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
  • She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
  • she knows how much time and attention they take
  • she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
  • she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
  • depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
  • youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
  • youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
  • her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
  • she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
  • the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

Edited

I get your points about the jealousy, but she's 23, not 17.

A little bit maturity can be expected from her.

Thegoodbadandugly · 18/03/2024 17:16

Will she have lost her babysitter?

MassiveOvaryaction · 18/03/2024 17:16

It's going to take time for her to get used to the idea but hopefully she'll come round.

Congrats on your pregnancy Flowers

pinkyredrose · 18/03/2024 17:17

@namechanged0

Your husbands siblings sound like idiots, sorry he's had to put up with thier jealousy.

I'd stop seeing them if I were him, I have a low tolerance for childish bullshit.

PriOn1 · 18/03/2024 17:19

Is DH also your DDs dad?

I have a young friend who is the same age as your daughter and is horrified as her mother is now pregnant with a boyfriend she has never got on with. For her, it’s nothing to do with bedrooms and everything to do with her mother permanently tying herself to someone she doesn’t like.

Just wondering whether there’s something you haven’t taken into account.

JWR · 18/03/2024 17:20

As someone in a similar situation (my youngest sister is a couple of months older than my dd, my dd was more of a surprise), I agree with others that it will change the dynamic and not necessarily for the better. My DD and younger sister did play together when small but my mother was not really a granny to DD and very clearly prioritised my sister’s wants rather than treating them fairly if there was a disagreement. DD has a very distant relationship with my mother now she’s an adult-DD sends a duty card on her birthday and present at Christmas but that’s it-because the normal grand parental relationship wasn’t available.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/03/2024 17:23

Congratulations.
I'd let dd off for the shock this once, then give her some stern words if she is negative about your pregnancy again

LeoTheLeopard · 18/03/2024 17:23

I think people are being really really harsh on your daughter. She feels how she feels, and the one person she should be able to go to with her upset is not available.

it doesn’t sound like she has asked you to have an abortion, and I am sure there is a whole complexity of feelings for her. The general consensus here seems to be that she should be told to shut the fuck and fuck off. I don’t think that’s a good idea at all.

Is it possible that she has also recently had a miscarriage and this has come at a time which rubs salt in the wound?

Hankunamatata · 18/03/2024 17:25

I can see why your dd feels the way she does. She was hoping for a doting granny who wants to spend time with her grandchild, be apple of her eye etc but that isn't going to be the case as you will have a baby of your own.

She has obviously been a little rude about expressing herself but I don't think it's surprising

NewFriendlyLadybird · 18/03/2024 17:25

Lovely news for you OP. It’s absolutely nothing to do with your daughter — she’s just had her nose put out of joint. Admittedly it’s an unusual situation these days, but also v cool. Her daughter is going to have an uncle or aunt younger than she is, which I think is awesome.

Bryterlayter1 · 18/03/2024 17:27

WearyAuldWumman · 18/03/2024 13:23

Sounds as though your daughter is upset at the prospect of losing you as a babysitter.

I get that the age gap seems weird to her, but it's not that unusual.

Heck, my grandmother's eldest child was the same age as great-granny's youngest. (ISTR that great-granny had 10 children.)

Show quote history

Yep, my grandfather had an aunt that was 2 years his junior. I'd venture to say it was probably a regular occurance in the past before there was reliable birth control. My great great grandmother had 11.

tkwal · 18/03/2024 17:28

Did she let you in on the decision on whether to have her baby ? I don't think she should have a say in this at all although she'll probably continue to share her opinion with you.
She will come round.
Congratulations !

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 18/03/2024 17:28

She needs to grow up. 23 years old with a partner and child of her own and she's upset that her child won't have it's own bedroom in your house. Give me strength

bradpittsbathwater · 18/03/2024 17:28

The cheek of it. Congratulations, it's nothing to do with her

Beezknees · 18/03/2024 17:28

Well, of course it's your choice and not hers. Certainly not something I would do though. I had a baby at 18 too and starting all over again with an adult DC and a grandchild, couldn't think of anything worse.

KreedKafer · 18/03/2024 17:29

having to process that it will have a big impact on the relationship OP has with her and her granddaughter, and possibly getting less support from her own mum as she adjusts to motherhood herself. That doesn’t mean she’s a terrible selfish person!

Objecting to her mum having a baby, on the grounds that means her mum might not be able to give all her attention to her and her child is pretty much the definition of selfishness, because she's thinking solely of herself and what she wants and she doesn't give a shit about her mum's happiness.

If she was 14, I'd say cut her some slack, but she's TWENTY-THREE and has a child of her own. The fact that the daughter thinks the OP and her DH should be keeping a spare room in THEIR house for the sole use of HER child, at the expense of having a child of their own, is one of the most selfish and entitled things I've ever heard in my life.

Everythinggreen · 18/03/2024 17:30

She'll come round to the idea I'm sure. There was a huge age gap between me and my oldest sister (same parents) and as adults she was one of my best friends. A friend of mine also had her youngest 3 years after her eldest had a DD.

I also had 2 friends at school who were uncle and nephew in the same year at school, nephew born September and Uncle born the following July.

It's really not that unusual.