To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

This is kind of how it’s gone for the only
family I know to have such a vast age gap and then a grandchild inbetween the adult daughters children.

She feels she’s lost her mum don’t get me wrong they still have a relationship but it’s not a parental one at all anymore more just like distant cousins kinda thing who happen to have children the same ages. The grandchildren and child seem to think they are cousins. She doesn’t go to her mum for advice or help because there’s no point she’s too busy with her young child. Her mum ironically has asked her for childcare quite a bit 😂 She doesn’t see her sibling as a sibling because the relationship isn’t there with the mother anymore, it’s a weird mums other/new child not her sister. When they where so very close before and she wasn’t even an only child.

Oh congratulations! What lovely news for you after your heartbreaking losses.

Give your DD some time to come round, I'm sure she's just in shock. My mum had me at 17, and I had my DD at 21. If my mum had then become pregnant I would have been in shock but once I came round I would have embraced it.

OP is already a doting mum, to her 23 year old.

This is what you say if you don't like your daughter and want her to go no contact with you.

She sounds like an entitled brat. She will have a lot of growing up to do.

Congratulations! 💐
Many, many families are not traditional!
I have a little half-brother who is 17 years younger than me and he in turn, has a little half-sister who is almost twenty years younger than him!
DD will get over it. She's being silly n selfish but after the baby is born and she's got her head around it, I'm sure all will be well.
Wishing you all the Best.
Mel 🍰 🌻

Firstly congratulations to you and your partner.

On the topic of your daughter what selfish horrible way to act to your news.

She is a grown adult and is acting worse than a spoilt little child.

It wouldn't surprise me if she is worried about the lack of free childcare.

DD1was 20 when I became pregnant with DD2 (also after several losses). To be fair, she was a bit odd about it all and worried about what it meant for her. She did come to a scan when we found out the sex of the baby but overall she wasn't that fussed by the pregnancy. But once DD2 was here she was besotted. They have the closest bond, she absolutely adores her little sister and is like a second mother. Obviously she doesn't have her own child, but it will be lovely as and when she has children of her own as DD2 will be an aunt and hopefully bond with her nieces/nephews.

Echo all of this. So minimising all the comments about free childcare. Why wouldn’t anyone want a loving close bond between their parent and their child. In my family it has became more like an auntie/uncle who they aren’t close with situation. My child sees my parent as my young siblings parent, not a grandparent. I think that’s always bound to happen.

There are some really aggressive posts towards the daughter. Would I be right in thinking a lot of them come from women who had babies in their late thirties/forties?

I can’t really understand the determination to call the daughter names and not to begin to understand the root of her discomfort.

There are a lot of bizarre and frankly ignorant responses here. Of course she’s not selfish, immature, a brat, etc. She is the child of a teenage mother, which is not an easy thing to be. Statistically they have “worse” outcomes than children born to older parents. They are more likely to become very young parents themselves, which she has. They are likely to earn less throughout their lives and complete less education than their peers with older parents. There are decades of research about this. I mean, why do people think we try so hard to reduce teen pregnancy rates? For fun?

She’s going to have a lot of complex feelings about her mother being pregnant. She could be feeling confused or resentful that her new sibling will have a much different and likely better experience growing up in a household with two parents. She could be wondering where that leaves her as OP’s daughter. She could be confused and upset at the idea of explaining to her daughter that her aunt is younger than she is. And, as her sibling grows, she might continue to have periods of distress when she sees and compares the childhood they are having to what she experienced. This is all normal, and none of it makes her selfish or a bad person. It’s just something she’s going to have to process as it happens.

And to be clear, I’m not stating any of that to disparage the OP and I’m not making any specific claims. I’m just saying that it is a much more complex situation than most posters seem to understand. If the OP wants to maintain a healthy relationship with her daughter and grandchild she is going to need to show some patience and understanding here, not go in with guns blazing and “get her told” like some people are suggesting.

Your daughter is very silly, selfish and entitled 🤨

People are being so mean about your daughter. And it’s really nice that you love and care about her feelings.

You are HER mum. You’ve now, after 23 years said you’re having another her…another child…another baby. Why would she be excited by this?

• Shes used to having you to herself.
• She knows that babies take all the focus as she has one herself.
• She associates babies with her baby and therefore will know the love you will feel for that baby. She won’t recognise that as being the love you have for her because you just don’t give older children the same “love” we give very little children
• she knows how much time and attention they take
• she was the centre of everything - you’d moved into grandma role and she’s the one with the child (and all the attention and specialness that brings)
• she imagined she’d given you the most special thing when she made you a grandmother, only for you to turn around and have your own “more important” baby which trumps hers
• depending on dad, she’s worried you are going to be a little family without her
• youre essentially having a whole new family life without her (it will feel like this)
• youre not going to be putting her child first so he’ll miss out on grandma because you will be too busy running around after your own child
• her child will have to deal with the weirdness that comes from having an aunt younger than them (obviously this doesn’t matter irl but she’s going to think it’s gross)
• she doesn’t see you as a young woman. She sees you as a mum. And therefore it is your job to support her and be there for her as she has children etc. It’s not your job to have little kids of your own.
• the idea of your mum having sex or giving birth is pretty gross too so that adds to it. It’s your mum you know

*this is just what she will feel, not necessarily reality.

she’s jealous as fuck and it doesn’t matter whether it’s right or wrong it’s how she feels and you’re likely going to hear about it.

to be honest I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t feel threatened or jealous. Yes she’s an adult but basically what it feels like is oh you’re an adult now, I want a shiny, new baby to play with.

How come you didn’t tell her about the miscarriages? Or tell her you were trying? This will be a total shock and though you’re there feeling injured by her reaction because of all you’ve been through, she has no idea so won’t even have a slight filter on what she says. If you don’t tell her how can she understand how you feel? Or feel any sympathy?

anyway, no you’re not doing the wrong thing having a baby. She is an adult as are you and she needs to get over it but definitely don’t push her.

if anything I’d do exactly what you’d do with a jealous 5 year old - up what you’re doing for her and her son. Don’t only have him occasionally. Find ways to put him in a special position as your grandson that will work even when the baby is here. She’ll get over it but it might take time

do enjoy your pregnancy though. You deserve to

This. It's obvious why she's upset, and those posters are completely failing to put themselves in her shoes.

She's in shock, I'm sure she'll come around in time.

Congratulation on your pregnancy. I think she's in a bit of shock but will get over it.

There were plenty of children in between but there are 23yrs between the oldest and youngest in my mums family. It used to be a pretty common thing I am a lot closer in age to my youngest aunt than my mum and we have a fantastic relationship. My mum also has a good relationship with her.

As an adult woman who lives independently and has support elsewhere, her happiness about the situation shouldn't even come into it.

Her happiness about this does not matter at all.

She sounds petty and jealous and those are only problems she can fix. This is not on you.

Congratulations, and I'm happy for you.

Ufff, dd needs to grow up. Yaiks.

I pondered it but figured it wasn’t worth the all the comments I’d get back calling me ageist or some shit 😂

I also think your daughter's behaviour is understandable. Grandma being pregnant is pretty unusual.

Your daughter is about to have a sibling who won't really feel like a sibling due to the age gap. That's a bit of a mind fuck.

And then she's losing the doting grandma. Grandma is going to be tired from looking after her own baby. The dynamic will completely change.

And her mum is suddenly back at the same life stage as her. That's also a mind fuck.

I'm sure she will come around, but I can understand that she's disappointed.

Having a second family like this is going to create strong emotions for your oldest child. It’s surprising that you are surprised by her less than enthusiastic reaction.

you are free to live your life and do what you want. You have to understand that you are upsetting the natural rhythm of things. You also are setting up a situation where your oldest may feel replaced. That this is happening when she should be celebrating her pregnancy and getting support from a grandparent will make it extra difficult to process.

you need to give her time. She is highly unlikely to hate her sibling. She just needs to adjust to an odd situation.

Nonsense.

I'm sure her happiness matters to her mother, the OP.

She is having a completely natural reaction to what will feel like a really strange situation.

That doesn't mean the OP has done anything wrong, but I am surprised she didn't anticipate her daughter's discomfort and maybe do a bit of groundwork to prepare her for the possibility of a baby sibling.

I'm really surprised by this response. Kind words? People are ripping your daughter apart, they are far from kind words.

I think you need to try and understand where you daughter is coming from. Writing her off as 'selfish' and 'wicked' and moving on to start a new family isn't really the way forward if you want to continue to have a relationship with your daughter and granddaughter.

I don't know why so many people are being so nasty about your daughter. People on here can be so horrible and lacking in any empathy I find.

She's been an only child for 23 years and even though she lives away from you, everything she knows and has known her whole life is going to be turned upside down by this. She had no idea you'd been trying for years as you kept the miscarriages secret so it's come out of the blue as a huge shock at a time when she would no doubt have assumed you were past considering having another child. I don't think it's about babysitting at all as some people have meanly suggested - you've already said that there is plenty of room for both. But her child is going to have an aunt that is two years younger than she is - your daughter is going to have a sister that is younger than her own daughter - it's a lot to get your head around at 23.

Just be reassuring and positive and I'm sure she'll come round with time.

I think some of the comments towards your DD are really harsh.

It's really easy to sit here behind a screen and call a stranger a nasty brat, but if the DD had no idea her mum was trying for a baby, it must have come as a pretty big shock, especially when she's had 20+ years to have another child and now has a grandchild that she cares for regularly too.

Give her time to come to terms with it all. It's a big life change for her as well as for you. I know if my mum had told me she was pregnant when I was in my 20's and had a child of my own, I'd have been pretty "wtf" about it too.

This. I hope she realizes how ridiculous she is acting. Please do not let this stop you from enjoying your pregnancy. Congratulations!