To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Agree. I feel sorry for the kids of some of these posters. Who have so little empathy and kindness for young adults. Relationships are complex and your daughter being 23 doesn’t suddenly make her a calm robot who is unaffected by this news. What kind of parents are these who are so unable to show understanding and kindness to their adult child and see things from their point of view.

This daughter’s family life is about to change massively. And actually the older the existing child in this kind of scenario, the stranger and ‘bigger’ this news will be.

Would you really expect the OP to have put her fertility journey permanently on hold just because her DD made the choice to be a (young) mother?

No. But I would expect the OP to show some kindness and understanding to her 23y daughter and cut her some slack. It’s a massive bombshell to throw on her and she needs to be allowed to take the time to get used to it. I would have felt very confused.

My kids are 20 and 22 and if I had this kind of news (thank goodness I won’t) I would expect a gamut of complex reactions and would work through those with them. I am very close to my kids but this would be a hell of a shock for them.

Is this how you relate to your adult child?

I am shocked at how many people treat their young adults kids and how lacking in empathy they are. These things can be resolved by open communication over time where all feeling are discussed and validated, those of the parent and the child.

Telling the 23y daughter she is a ‘selfish little brat’ shows an extraordinary lack of emotional intelligence.

Shes probably mortified at the thought of her mum is having sex, let alone a baby. Just ignore the behaviour, as soon as the baby is here she will be so happy. I understand its not the behaviors you want or would expect from a grown woman. Do we not alregress around our mums to that teenage stage. Congratulations and I'm sure you will spend many happy days with your new baby, grandchildren and your daughter.

She doesn’t live there? She’s talking about her daughter’s daughter (her granddaughter) occasionally sleeping in the room that used to be her daughter’s (child’s mother) when she lived there

Truthfully at that age I would have been very upset too. But I would have been wrong, it really wouldn't have been up to me. I'm sure she will love the baby when it's here and it'll be more fun when for her child when they stay over. Just reassure her you will still love her DC as much, I can see she might be worried she'll loose you.

of course you need to go ahead with the pregnancy. DH and you desperately want this baby.

there will be so many bonuses to the kids being similar ages. Endless play dates, they will have so much fun over the years and be like cousins.

Oh OP, firstly congratulations and secondly I hope this next baby to any grow up to be as entitled and selfish as your first.

Agree. Mum having sex!! Eeuww! You are a grandmother😂😂😂

She will feel as put out as if she was 5 and you introduced a new baby into the mix, she has had you all to herself sharing you only with her own DC.

Please do make sure you include her as much as you can, talk to her about baby names perhaps? Take her shopping and get her advice on baby clothes? Things have changed since she was born, so let her know that her modern expertise will be much valued.

Are you really saying that your daughter is making you feel guilty for having a baby? She sounds like the most unfeeling self-centred bit.... Even making you feel bad about who sleeps where when. It's time she found out how difficult it has been for you to get this baby. She even doesn't care about hurting your feelings when you are in the fragile state of early pregnancy. Maybe remind her that stress goes right through to the baby and that's true!