To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Bit harsh with OP's daughter! Can you put yourself in her shoes for a minute - she's a new mum and her own mother is having a baby who will be younger than her own.
You could hardly expect an instant happy reaction from her? It is an unusual situation, and I can't blame her for being in shock.
She will come round to it eventually and try not to let it spoil your happiness - congratulations!

And I couldn’t imagine having miscarriages that I didn’t tell my adult daughters about. It’s all been so secretive. Why would you treat a daughter like this? It’s not as if we’re talking about sharing with a neighbour.

Yes, I think there will be some element of her feeling like a fool and wondering why you never trusted her enough to tell her this thing that she now knows has been very central to your life. I also understand that you wanted to keep it private in case it was never going to happen and not wanting people's sympathy, though.

This!

Her reasons are selfish. You say you and DH are over the moon so enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your new arrival. She will have to get over it

@pebblecity Maybe she thought you would be able to help out a lot with childcare and now realises that won't be the case when the baby comes. It's selfish and she should be happy for you, but it must be quite a shock. Congratulations.

Ah I think it might have been a bit of a shock, totally out of line to verbalise it, but probably not intentional.

Like others have suggested, I'd imagine she's only looking at this from her own perspective, and knows her relationship with OP will change, as will OPs availability yo babysit. Might she have been planning another pregnancy OP and assuming she'd have lots of help??

She is an adult so it is your choice.
She may really be upset that you will naturally not have the time to spend with your grandchild because you will have your own baby. Acknowledge that and try and still be a grandmother when you can.

She's being selfish and ridiculous. She has her own life, and she doesn't get to dictate yours.

She is acting like a spoilt brat. Tell her to give her head a wobble.
Congratulations on your long awaited good news 🥰

Of course you are right to go ahead. Your DD is responding from fear of change, that she and DGD will be pushed down the hierarchy. If it were me I'd ask her what exactly she was worried about and try to reassure her. If that doesn't work, then unfortunately she will just have to be left to come to terms with it in her own way. If you have a good relationship with her then this isn't going to be a deal breaker and she will come round. Please don't let this cast a shadow on your much wanted pregnancy. You're not remotely selfish, it's your DD who is being selfish in her immaturity.

Massive congratulations OP!

Your daughter is a pathetic spoil brat.

Its not her choice to make.

Remind her, she doesn't get a say in how many children she has, anymore than she gets in how many you have.

She needs to get the fuck over herself.

As others have said nothing to do with her
Congrats 😇

She needs to get over herself and grow the fuck up 😬

And congratulations on your pregnancy 👏

A friend of mine is 50 and has 3 children from previous mariage, 19, 21 and 22. He got married again 2 years ago and they've had a baby 1 year ago- born 3 weeks before his 21 yr old daughter's. Everyone's happy - son and gs are growing up together- and both couples taking it in turn to give the others a break. Wonderful.

Your DD is completely out of order. Even if she’s shocked or has worries around your pregnancy, at 23 years old she is old enough to react with tact and address her reservations by herself.

Don’t allow her to influence your decision.

She sounds incredibly spoit and has had her nose put out of joint by having had you all to herself for 23 years
Now a sibling is coming along and her DC won't be the youngest either.

You're 40 for heavens sake, it's hardly old age.

Very surprised at all the responses on here. From someone who has been in exactly the position of your daughter I understand how she feels. The sadness that I don’t have a normal (adult) child - parent relationship and my child doesn’t have a decent grandparent - grandchild relationship has never left me. Don’t delude yourself that you can be a good grandparent and parent to your adult child alongside caring for a very young child. The latter is too demanding as you already know having experienced. I really feel for your DD.

Because if anything is going to ram it down your throat that your parents are shaggingouc, it’s them having a baby. And while the OP was extremely young when she had the daughter, the daughter won’t see it that way. She’ll just see the OP as ‘mum’. And her mum having a baby younger than her own is unusual, and I think her discomfort is perfectly understandable.

I think it's ok to acknowledge her feelings as they are valid - l would have been a bit freaked out if my mum had announced she was pregnant when l was 23 but yanbu to crack on with your life - congratulations x

She is being pathetic and unkind. I'd expect a lot more from a grown adult with her own children already. She's throwing her toys out of the pram because she thinks she's losing a free babysitter.

Astounded by some of the judgy, spiteful, and mean responses on this thread.

Perhaps OP’s daughter didn’t react well, but a little empathy goes a long way - it isn’t surprising that she is shocked to hear her mother is having another child when she’s in her twenties, and having to process that it will have a big impact on the relationship OP has with her and her granddaughter, and possibly getting less support from her own mum as she adjusts to motherhood herself. That doesn’t mean she’s a terrible selfish person!

Once she has come to terms with it, she’s unlikely to feel so bitter/negative about it. In an ideal world she would have processed those feelings herself and not expressed them to OP but that ship has sailed - and there’s nothing to say that OP’s granddaughter and her new baby will not grow up and have a lovely close relationship! And OP’s daughter can have more of an aunt/cousin relationship with her new sibling.

Best of luck to you OP and congratulations 💐

@pebblecity many congratulations! May this pregnancy be smooth and things calm down with DD when she processes this a bit 💐

@Rainydays577 your experience is valid and it's a shame you didn't have the relationship you wanted for your mum and dc. 💐

It has been said, she’s being unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Of course yanbu to have a baby that you want.

I would think that it is quite rare to have a child younger than your own GC so I can see why your daughter is surprised/shocked.

She may be as nasty/selfish/whatever as posters are saying, but it could also just be sadness that the relationship that you have now will change.

You'll be a doting mum foremost, not a doting granny!