To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

Indeed my mother hasn’t gone though meno yet or hasn’t finished it. Either way. But if she rang me tomorrow and said she was pregnant I’d be like wtf… though she’s never given me the idea she wants another 😂 Think my brother would have a heart attack tbh. But his the ultimate child free hand off uncle too.

I agree with this.

It's hard to have a baby and your daughter is a young mum so she's probably relied on you a lot for support (I'm guessing) and now she's probably fretting about all the ways that will change now. I admit I think I would feel the same, it would be a huge shock, especially given your daughter has been an only child until now. It probably never even crossed her mind.

I'm sure it's just her initial reaction and she will love the baby when it's here.

It's one thing to think all those privately but to say them to you is utterly selfish.

Disgusted? How nasty.

I'd be putting down a firm boundary that she does not get to talk to you like that again.

Have your Baby and be happy.

I'm surprised at all the posts calling her selfish and horrible. OP please don't let these posts influence how you're viewing her. I think it's really natural that she's shocked and grieving the loss of the grandmother/daughter/grandchild relationship she's enjoyed up to now. 23 is still very young and she's in the very early stages of motherhood herself and has probably been relying on you a lot for practical and emotional support, so she'll be feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under her. As pp said she will definitely come around and welcome the new baby in time. Give her space and compassion. If her words and behaviour are hurtful you can vent about her behind her back to your DH and friends! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

My dc are absolutely lovely, but I think if I called them and told them I was 12 weeks pregnant, they probably wouldn't react appropriately right away.

She didn't know about you ttc, and she doesn't know about your losses (which I'm very sorry you had to go through 💐) so this is all a massive surprise, and she is probably thinking about her own dc having an aunt or uncle younger than her and the repercussions at school etc.

I would give her a week or two to wrap her head around things, hopefully she will settle down.

Good luck with the pregnancy op 💐

Your DD is probably worried that she is being replaced and that her relationship with you is going to change. You won't just be her mum and grandmother to her child any more. There's now going to be a new stranger in the mix who she is supposed to think of as a sibling. It's a lot to get her head around.

This. Also she's been your focus all her life, she's going to feel displaced not only as the new mum, but as your daughter. Hopefully you can make some time for just you and her occasionally, might your DH be up for babysitting the grandchild and looking after the baby while you and DD get some time together? Or her baby's father can do the same?
Congratulations!

Congratulations. She it totally out of line and needs to be told.

Awww hopefully she'll thaw. Auntie/uncle and niece will be just like little cousins: it should be wonderful as they grow up.

Congratulations!

Speaking as 40 year old new mother this smarts haha

Congratulations, hope you have a trouble free pregnancy.

Your DD can just lump it, to be honest.

It's unfortunate that she is immature enough to have expressed her thoughts/feelings rather than taking into account yours. I'm afraid this will be the first of many troubles, as i assume your new child's upbringing will be more privileged than hers if you had her as an unprepared teen? She's likely to be jealous when she sees that but ultimately she will need to accept the situation if she wants family help herself

She’s bang out of order. Selfish and utterly immature

In fact I’d be tempted to tell her exactly what you’ve been through

She is being a fucking brat OP. Fine to be concerned etc but absolutely no need to be voicing all of that to you. I'm 23 years older than my youngest siblings (my mum had surprise twins at 43 after having me young). OK I didn't have kids of my own to consider and yes I was a bit mortified that my (I thought ) old mum was preggers again. Bit I would never have dreamed of telling her that because I had been living independently since uni and it was her choice.

Fast forward to now I have always had a great relationship with the twins. Sleepovers at mine loads when they were younger, I always made efforts for school plays etc. They're now late 20s and I'm 50 and we are all really close, regular weekends away and so on. I'm so glad that I made efforts as they grew up as they're amazing individuals who I genuinely like. Your sister could gain so much if she just opened her mind a bit. Appreciate it doesn't always turn out like this but my sisters are two of my absolute favourite people.

She needs to grow up and remember the world doesn't revolve around her.

I cannot understand how people justify to themselves outwardly having a problem with someone else's pregnancy. Who actually believes they have the RIGHT to object to someone else being happy to have a baby

Sounds like there may be some jealousy at play, as she thinks her child will be competing for attention with your new baby.

I would reassure her that you will love your DGD just as much but that you won’t apologise for having a much wanted baby.

Was she hoping you would be doing child care for her child?

To be honest, in her shoes I'd have been horrified too. A sibling younger than your own child when you have been an only all your life.
Bit of a shock.

I'm sure you're not expecting your DD to have a sibling relationship with your baby, maybe more of an aunt role??

I feel like people are being really harsh on OP's daughter here 🙈

I don't think she's a selfish brat, she's just in shock, I think anyone would be to be getting a new baby sibling in their 20s.

Not to mention she's a relatively new mum herself at a young age, she is probably panicking that she needs her mum's support still.

Of course it's lovely news, but I think surely we can all understand how OP's daughter might be feeling to hear this so unexpectedly?

She's entitled to feel upset or weird about it, no one can help their feelings after all.
She IS very unreasonable to convey them to you though, as at the end of the day it has absolutely sod all to do with her, none of her business.

It's not exactly old is it and quite a common age to have a baby in my opinion! I know several mums who had babies in their 40s, I was a month off turning 40 when I had DD2 myself

It must have been quite the surprise. Perhaps if some of the desire for a baby had been shared along the way she wouldn’t be feeling so bad now. And I couldn’t imagine having miscarriages that I didn’t tell my adult daughters about. It’s all been so secretive. Why would you treat a daughter like this? It’s not as if we’re talking about sharing with a neighbour.

That said she’s been rather rude but I think it’s her inner child that’s spoken and I’d give her a hug and tell her you love her.

She has a right to be surprised or shocked but that's where it ends.
Your body. You decide if you want a baby.
Your house. You decide what you do with it. If you want to change her old room into a nursery / office / guest room / craft room that is entirely your choice

Perfectly said. She doesn’t have to like it, for her own selfish reasons, but she does have to be kind if she wants the lovely relationship with her mum to continue.

I think people are being quite harsh. My mum had my at 17. I had my first at 25. My mum was excited to be a nan even though she was only 42 and she had lots of time for her GC because my younger siblings had left home. I think if she turned around and said once my DC was 2 that she was also pregnant I’d have been shocked too. I wouldn’t have said it to her but I would have been a bit sad that the special nan- grandchild bond would inevitably change because she has her own baby DC now. So I do kind of understand your daughters feelings although she shouldn’t have voiced them to you

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.