To have a baby my grown dd doesn't want me to have?

[pebblecity]

I have a 23 year old dd who I had when I was 17, she has a 1 year old who we occasionally have to sleep over in what was her old bedroom.
I am pregnant again now at 40 after years of trying and dh and I are over the moon.

Dd however is not so pleased, we announced our pregnancy after the 12 week scan and she's really upset that her daughter will be 2 years older than ours and that our baby will be eventually in dds old room which our granddaughter sometimes sleeps in if we babysit, the rooms a double and there is still room for our granddaughter on occasion to stay in there but dd said it's not the same.
Dd is disgusted at the thought and although we thought she'd be surprised, we didn't expect this reaction, especially as we've been ttc for a long time with many losses (which she doesn't know about) but now we are really exited.

I understand this is weird for her because of the age gap but were we right to go ahead if it's what we really want?
This is so upsetting for everyone and I feel so guilty that she feels the way she does.

I certainly hope that her baby is healthy and happy but special needs is a possibility and something to prepare for.

I think it’s probably just a shock for her, she’ll get over it, especially when the new sibling arrives.

She needs to grow up and realise she isn't the only one anymore. Congratulations and don't let her feelings tarnish your experience. My mum was pregnant at same time as my oldest sister, then years.later.my sister was pregnant at the same time as her daughter. I have nieces older than me it's.no big deal, it's life. Sounds more.like jealousy and your daughter been too reliant on everything been about her. Make it clear your having this baby and that you've been trying for years and are happy. If she can't be happy for you then she can keep her opinions to herself. If she wants a room her own child then she shouldn't expect her to stay over and keep her home. There's plenty space and love for her to be included. It's not her house it's yours, it's not her room anymore it's yours and your babies. She needs to.elarn to move.on.and grow up.

Shouldn't every parent-to-be be prepared for that?!

Everything screams it cannot work out just "perfectly fine" because daughter is unhappy and not engaging.
Of course it could work out perfectly fine.
But only if both sides listen to each other and understand each other's viewpoints.
Old mum is delighted she's pregnant and wants approval and delight and congratulations. After so many failed attempts.
Young 23 year old mum has just discovered that Grandma is about to become a new mum again.
There's no right or wrong.
But old mum has to understand the disappointment of new mum.
And new mum has to understand how hard old mum has tried to have another child to raise directly.
And everyone has to understand what roles and involvement they'll have with the two new family members.
OP always puts up their point of view. Part of the feedback is to put up an alternative point of view.

That's now when the idea of a so-much younger sibling is so new to OP's DD! Hopefully she will have the maturity to come to terms with it.

Of course they both have to come to understand each other. But what is the DD demanding here - that her mother has a termination to suit her?!

I live in a community with a large number of Mormon (LDS) families. They start young, and have a lot of kids, and this situation is not uncommon. One of my coworkers was the youngest of 11, and had nieces and nephews older than he was. I recommend seeing if there are any internet/social media sitesmaybe Mormonwhich deal with this. You might find it on Reddit. The difference for OP is that she doesn't have half a dozen kids between the two "bookends", and the cultural isolation. But I would see who's online. They may have some really practical advice.

Going to have to disagree with the other posters here I’m afraid. I think the anger is just her experiencing massive insecurity. Something in her past is probably making her feel like she’s going to be pushed out and forgotten by you guys. As a newish mum herself that’s maybe making her feel massively vulnerable. Keep reassuring her she’s utterly loved and an essential irreplaceable part of her original ‘family’. The new baby will be an extra person to love and be loved by. Also, for her own child to love and be loved by. Emphasis how this will increase her lot not ever lessen it. Be gentle though.

Flip it round Ask her how she would feel if you said you were “disgusted” if and when she gets pregnant again.

Shes shocked and probably immediate feelings rose to the surface. You know your girl, I’m sure she will get her head sorted..but you’re the parent and she should be made aware that she’s coming across as spoiled and immature. Every life is a blessing not just the ones she seems ok.

I’m aging rapidly , shocked I’m going to say this but you’ve indulged her too much, ‘disgust’ is despicable, expressing it to you both even more so.

Most would be excited at the prospect of the children growing up together, the room thing in particular irks me

My grandad remarried and had more children so I have an uncle that’s 1 year younger than me. We felt like more like cousins growing up. The new baby and your granddaughter will most likely have a similar type of relationship being so close in age and I’m sure they will love having sleepovers.

I think your daughter is probably just in shock and will get over it in time. 40 is not that old and plenty of people have their first baby late 30’s and early 40’s. I’d say give it time and she will come round.

If I was your daughter I'd feel the same. Your basically replacing her, and rather then doing what naturally comes next which is the grandkids you've chosen to start all over again. She probably feels like her and your granddaughter are not enough for you. You've also kept lots of secrets along the way. The kid you already have should have come first.

Oh op, I’m so sorry your DD has had this reaction. She will come round & your baby is likely to have a brilliant relationship with your DGC. Of course you should be going ahead with this, it sounds like something you & your DH have been trying for for a very long time.

does she think this was a happy accident? Id consider telling her that you’ve been on a long & painful journey to get to where you are & that you would have loved to have had a second child years ago but it has only finally now worked out. It might change her perspective.

congratulations 🥰

@Bearbooandmiska where is the logic? She's not a kid, she's a grown adult with a family of her own. Do you think no one should have a second child following a divorce/break up either? No one gives this advice when people split up and remarry or have a baby with new partner and at that point in a child's life they really will feel like they've got a replacement as they'll usually not live with both parents full time anymore and the new baby will. We're talking about an adult here, that has grown up and does not live at home with her mother-she visits and then goes on with her life as she should, I don't expect my mother to sit around and wait for me to need her and not live a life of her own, do you?

what a silly response. By that logic anybody who has a subsequent child is “replacing” the one before.
Women’s lives are not over the moment they squeeze a baby out of their vagina. OP still has a life and she’s still relatively young. She’s done her time and her child is an adult. Her life is her own. If she wants to have a baby then that’s what she will do and it’s nobody else’s business but hers.

Exactly this, the alternative is self entitled clap trap. I wouldn’t have wanted my parents to have felt eternally restricted by me nor myself as soon as I had children!! If they had wanted to go and live in Australia or whatever of course would be sad for them to move but personally value their’s and eventually my own freedom as a mother!

Nonsense!

Congratulations! I'm sure it will all sort out eventually.

I imagine there are two things going on:

1. She may feel her daughter won't be as special to you, when you have your own baby there. She may fear that there may not be that special grandparent + grandbaby relationship because of this.
2. She may feel odd at the thought of having a new sibling in her 20s.

What are you on about ? I have 3 children and none was a replacement to the oldest

My niece, aged 23 has an aunt aged 11. The 11 year old is aunt also to an 8 year old and great-aunt to a 6 year old. It happens.
My father's sister used to look after my mother's sister 22 years her junior. It happened a lot during and between the wars.
Your grandchild will love having a playmate, as long as you include him in the new arrival - perhaps a gift from the new baby, as if they were siblings?

Congratulations OP.
DD’s going to have to get over herself. She’s too old at 23 to be behaving like such a brat.

Then you too need to grow out of your egoism. You're basically saying that nobody should have more than one child because siblings steal from the One and Only (who's somehow automatically entitled to everything his/her siblings aren't).

The fact that this daughter was the only child for 23 years doesn't in any shape of form guarantee her the mum's neverending unshared attention. To expect such is a hallmark of narcissism actually.

Congratulations x

I think she knows she won’t get as much help and may even be asked to help with her sibling. It’s possible she likes help she gets, but didn’t factor in ever having to help.

Having a baby when you’re a little older can be more exhausting, please don’t let her guilt you into looking after your Grandchild if you’re not up for it. I’m 39 with a 2.5 year old and exhausted 😂

Hopefully she will feel differently once the news sinks in and you’ll all be able to get along and the kids will grow up as best friends. I can understand it feeling a little weird her child being a Niece and their Auntie/Uncle being younger than them but it’s not rare, it happens and it’s not a big deal.

@lifebeginsaftercoffee

people claiming the daughters “whole life” is turned upside down are exaggerating yes

People who can't read between the lines are tiresome. Your family structure changing and a new sibling coming is a huge life event at 23. It's quite unexpected and op did not tell her DD she planned another child.

Saying her life has 'turned upside down' [from her perspective] is not the same as 'her life is ruined, how dare you op'.