For not letting my son go on holiday abroad with his best friend and his family?

[TheAvidPlumRobin]

My son (turning 15 in the summer) and this boy have been best friends for almost a year now. I'm talking two peas in a pod best friends. They're in the same school, but the bestie is 2 years older. They hang out and chat every single day. In my opinion, they have a bit of a weird dynamic because my son sees / treats him like a mentor, and the best friend is the one who takes the lead; but that's beside the point.

The best friend is rich. He's going with his family to the Seychelles (2 weeks) for Easter. Surprisingly, he invited my son (who thought he was just joking at first). Either way, the boy's parents contacted me and we met up to talk. They basically told me that they'll pay for everything (accommodation, flights, food, activities, souvenirs, etc.), and they'd love to have my son come along with them. They said that I don't have to worry about safety and such because the boys are well behaved, and they're eagle-eyed. I said I need some time to think it though.

My husband thinks it's a great opportunity since we obviously couldn't afford such a trip, plus the family has a great reputation. I'm not so sure though. Firstly, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of my son becoming a charity case. Secondly, the Seychelles is very far away, and my son has never travelled that far before. My son is very upset with the no answer, and my husband also believes I'm being unreasonable and weird about this.

I still have some time to change my mind though. I do have some doubts about my decision honestly.

Are they two years apart school wise? I can’t quite figure out the friendship here. I’d be saying no to the holiday and encouraging your DS to explore other friendships.

If the 17 year-old friend is quite 'socially accomplished' (as you describe it), you might think he'd have a friend in his own year to invite?

The age gap at that age is unusual OP. Fair enough if they were neighbours or family friends who had grown up together. But I've never come across this within a school.

We have an only and it was much easier to bring a pal along for DS than going just the three of us.

You could reciprocate in kind so if you go on UK holiday invite their DS along. At that age Whitby is just as exciting as the Seychelles.

The only thing I'd say is from never going away with them a two week holiday is quite a big leap.

This is interesting because I don't think the OPs reasons for nit wanting him to go matter at all, if that was all, I'd definitely say yes.

However, a confident, socially accomplished 17yo wanting to take a 15 yo, who has issues the older teen supports with, on holiday does ring some alarms for me.

I do. Met them a few times, they seem like nice, respectable people. They didn't know each other prior to that, only in passing. They were not running in the same circles. They met in an East Asian lit club, and bonded over common hobbies / interests.

Let him go! He's not a charity case. Have you never treated your DS's friends to anything? Taken them to the cinema, got them a takeaway pizza? It's the same thing.

Let him go. We take a friend of Dad's on holiday with us. Nothing to do with charity, she just doesn't want to hang out with us all the time. As long as you trust the family let him go.

As an aside, it is worth writing a letter to say that the other family are responsible for him just in case of accident etc.

He's 15, not 5, and he clearly wants to go. Yes, it's far for a first trip but I think he's old enough to find it far too exciting to be homesick. It's lovely they are offering and I can see it's a benefit for their son to have company while there.

The parents are not making this offer because they feel sorry for OP's son and think he's a "charity case" - that says so much more about the OP's insecurities and attitude than anything else. Teenagers do not want to hang out with their parents on holiday. Parents don't want to constantly be with a moping teen. Taking a friend makes it a much more enjoyable break for everyone.

Do you think he may be grooming your DS OP? For what do you think?

Instincts are important but can be wrong.

How long have they been friends? How did they meet?

If it was a shared activity, they could perhaps just get on well as shared interests. Perhaps the older boy is very kind hearted, noticed your son’s struggles and as his friend wanted to help him? He may well become a great influence in your DS’s life if they remain friends.

Unless you are concerned the older boy may have an attraction to your son for nefarious purposes, I’d let him go.

Try not to look at it as charity from his friends parents but your son doing them a favour in being company for their son making everyone’s holiday more enjoyable. As long as your DS enjoys himself, that’s all that matters.

I’d be giving him money to buy his own souvenirs and lunches though.

I would let him go under two stipulations.

a) He has a very comprehensive travel insurance policy in his own name, which would include a medical flight back to a British hospital if necessary.

b) I had enough money put aside in a savings bank account, to be able to buy an emergency return plane ticket to the Seychelles in case of an emergency.

With both of the above points being made, and proven to me, I would try to put any other worries to one side, and hope that my son and his friend (and his friends parents) have a great holiday!

Please let him go!

When we are flush, we love taking our DC's friends with us (not always possible!) because it creates memories and makes a wonderful dynamic for them all.

With regards to the power imbalance you've observed, you can gently raise it with your son and help him to balance that out.

It sounds like an immense opportunity for him.

It would be mad unreasonable if the kid invited yours then the parents came up with well it'll cost you 2 grand..lol
They explicitly said they'd fund him as their kids guest. In a lower income family it's the same as saying come to the caravan, we'll fund his food and activities.
Let him go and have fun. Bring some spending money so he can get food etc if he's not keen on the meals. Also give him some money to buy them a gift at the end to say thank you. Doesn't need to be big but he could choose something from the trip.

I agree that the concern about the DS being a 'charity case' is a non-issue here. The family wouldn't have asked him if they didn't want to and anyway, you can always transfer some money if you're uncomfortable about the gesture.

It's more the age gap / dynamic that would concern me.

There truly is nothing positive that someone on this site can't turn into a negative. This sounds like a great friendship, one that goes beyond their relative social skills. But I suppose many people on MN don't really have much experience of friendships.

This thread feels like the one about the OP who didn't want grandparents to pay for her daughter's gap year in Colombia. Just this suffocating, anxiety-fuelled need to keep their children's worlds as tiny as possible. It's awful parenting.

Like... in this case what is the worst that will happen? OP feels a bit patronised (even though nothing suggests the friend's parents intend it like this)? The friendship doesn't last? It's a bit awkward in some indefinable way? All of that pales in comparison to the potential (and likelier) benefits.

I don't know why people are questioning a friendship between a 15 and 17 year old, its two years! And if they are both of similar maturity, meeting because of a shared interest even less weird.

I do not see a single issue with him going on holiday. Especially as you have met the parents and child and have said nothing negative about them!

Yep you're being weird, plus it's pretty normal for families to suggest bringing a friend,(esp wealthy families) it's nothing to do with being a charity case. 🤷‍♀️

Oh please. "mumma bear instincts".

I'd absolutely let him.

It's pretty obvious why the parents want to do this. Teens don't want to hang round their parents all day on holiday and parents don't want a bored teen moaning at them all day...much better for them to have a mate to hang round with. Everyone's a winner.

I’d be less worried about feeling like a charity case (that sounds like an issue with your own feelings about the family’s relative wealth). More that the age gap might be a much more pronounced issue outside of school and given freedom and an expansive budget.

A 2 year difference at this age is quite a leap in maturity. A lot changes during those teen years. It might mean a different approach to risk from the parents too, with things like alcohol, going off independently, meeting other teens etc. You know your son and his chum best though. I was quite naive at 14 and a holy terror by 17! I wouldn’t have trusted 17 year old me to be a mentor of a young teen!

Exactly this. 15 and 17 is not a meaningful age gap for friends with common interests! One of my best friends at school was two years older than me, we liked the same music.

I cannot believe people are actually talking about grooming. For heaven's sake. The paranoia and anxiety on this site is out of control.

I’ve oodles of friends and many years of parenting experience. The OP has concerns for many valid reasons. I am very firmly in the ‘don’t let him go’ camp but clearly in the minority. I can’t get past the two year age gap here. It is not a common occurrence. Two years is a lot in these teenage years. Tread cautiously.

I think I've just been a bit sick in my mouth. "Mumma bear instincts"?!?! WTF?!

Because its not weird?

ive only ever seen this weird insistence that kids can only be friends with someone in their own year in school on mumsnet. In the real world its completely normal to be friends with someone who wasn't your exact age. Kids played out together, children are close with siblings and cousins of a similar age, sports groups, scouts, young orchestras etc are mixed ages...

Nobody bats an eyelid when a teenage girl has a boyfriend two years older etc.

He could get a job in just over a year and will likely become friends with people much older than him.

I find the idea that people think a 2 year gap is significant weirder.

What are you offering him as a holiday alternative?
A week in a caravan at Skegness?
Seriously OP, meet the Mother again and say yes please.