For not letting my son go on holiday abroad with his best friend and his family?

[TheAvidPlumRobin]

My son (turning 15 in the summer) and this boy have been best friends for almost a year now. I'm talking two peas in a pod best friends. They're in the same school, but the bestie is 2 years older. They hang out and chat every single day. In my opinion, they have a bit of a weird dynamic because my son sees / treats him like a mentor, and the best friend is the one who takes the lead; but that's beside the point.

The best friend is rich. He's going with his family to the Seychelles (2 weeks) for Easter. Surprisingly, he invited my son (who thought he was just joking at first). Either way, the boy's parents contacted me and we met up to talk. They basically told me that they'll pay for everything (accommodation, flights, food, activities, souvenirs, etc.), and they'd love to have my son come along with them. They said that I don't have to worry about safety and such because the boys are well behaved, and they're eagle-eyed. I said I need some time to think it though.

My husband thinks it's a great opportunity since we obviously couldn't afford such a trip, plus the family has a great reputation. I'm not so sure though. Firstly, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of my son becoming a charity case. Secondly, the Seychelles is very far away, and my son has never travelled that far before. My son is very upset with the no answer, and my husband also believes I'm being unreasonable and weird about this.

I still have some time to change my mind though. I do have some doubts about my decision honestly.

Hard no from me. If they were the same age, it was Europe and you were paying for his flights at least, I'd say definitely go. But the age gap is weird. You say they have a weird dynamic? What is the bail out plan if it goes wrong out there? If they've paid for everything will he / you feel like you owe them something? It's not a comfortable or safe position to put a child in. Nope.

Honestly I would let your son have this opportunity. My DN when about the same age (just turned 15) was offered a trip along with his best (female) mate by the owner of the place they'd both worked as summer jobs. There was absolutely nothing untoward, the owner was just stupidly rich, had no kids and treated DN and his mate as adoptive children basically. It was the kind of holiday my Dsis could never ever have dreamed of paying for him (five star, Caribbean, all inclusive, hired a yacht, loads of activities etc). They had the time of their absolute lives!

Unless you have serious concerns on some level please let him go - instead of thinking of it as him being seen as a 'charity case' reframe it as your DS is so well liked (by both the other kid and his family) that these people are happy to pay extra for him to go along.

Trust your mumma bear instincts. If your gut is saying no, listen to it.

I'd let him go it sounds lovely. I wouldn't think of it as being a charity case at all personally. I had a friend who's family took my away when we were a similar age. I didn't feel a charity case at all, she was an only child and I think it really made a difference at that age having a friend to be with compared to all time just with parents.

We did everything with the parents when away (as in we didn't go off anywhere alone) but had a great time as friends chatting in the evening and the parents had some time as a couple without a bored teen in their company.

A lovely experience for him :)

I’m poorer by far than some of my friends and I’ve never regarded myself as being a charity case. My son is best friends with one of the rich ones and a lovelier family you couldn’t meet. I think you’re being very unreasonable and projecting your feelings onto the situation to the detriment of your son. Let him go fgs.

Let him go ! surely it's going to be a HUGE benefit to the family! not charity at all! You are looking at it the wrong way round.

they get a friend/ companion for their son - making it a much more relaxing and enjoyable holiday for them

your son gets a total experience of a lifetime!

I think you need to just think how lovely and look at whether you could do some kind things in return that don't cost much - have the boy for a weekend/ take him on a nice beach day out or something - do what is in your power as a thank you.

You're being weird and unreasonable yes

Yes, I do. He's a good influence: against smoking, drinking, drugs, studies hard, is active, etc. He also basically cured my son of a disordered eating problem he had (couldn't eat in public or among people he doesn't feel comfortable around). It's just that he's a way more proactive social participant than my son is; actually more proactive in general really. But to be fair that's probably why they're such good friends, their personalities don't clash; 2 headstrong people don't typically make a great duo.

Your 2 reasons for not letting him go -

1. It's charity. This is ridiculous and inverted snobbery. If they weren't so well off would you let him go? You can repay their generosity by having the friend over to stay, taking him with you on days out etc.

1. He's never been that far. So what? How far is acceptable? He's 15 fgs. One of my dcs went on a 3 week sports trip to New Zealand when he was 13.

You are being very very very unreasonable in denying your son this opportunity.

I'd never ever forgive my parent for depriving me of such an amazing opportunity.

I was in a similar situation last year - my teen was invited to Florida for 3 weeks with the family of best friend. They offered to pay for everything but I wasn't comfortable with that so I paid for her flight and gave the family some money for food etc plus spending money. Might be an option if that makes you feel more comfortable? My daughter had an amazing trip so it was worth it!

Im not an only child but my sister is 16 years older than me and moved out when I was 4, so I was an only child in that respect. My friend came to Spain with us when we were 14 and I went to America for 2 weeks with my then best friend when I was 16. Both great, although we then weren’t as close afterwards, think 2 weeks was overkill, but a great holiday and all was fine and safe with both.

Hmm. I might change my view. A socially accomplished 17 yo wanting to spend lots of time with a quiet and possibly vulnerable (the disordered eating?) younger teen does raise some warning bells.

We used to regularly take friends on holiday when I was a teenager. I was an only child and because of that we had a bit more money, more space in the car, hotel rooms etc and my parents were also conscious of me being a bit lonely. We never considered our offer as charity and I don't think any of my friends or their parents did either. It's nice to have company - both for the kids and the parents and once you hit mid to late teens it gets harder to actually make friends on a brief holiday than it perhaps is for younger kids who can go to animation activities etc and are a bit less self conscious about chatting to new people.

You are doing the right thing to think about this OP. Do you know the boys parents? You say both boys have been best friends for 1 year and attend the same school. What about prior how friendly were they?

It's no doubt a good opportunity but I don't believe in just accepting anything just because someone has offered you!.

I'm not sure what I would do it would depend if I knew the parents. 2 weeks is a long water. Water can be dangerous also... you just don't know. On the other hand it would be a shame for DS to miss out!

Admittedly not abroad, but I've taken a friend of Ds1 on holiday with me and my boys.

I didn't ask any payment, just that the friend have spending money to buy treats/souvenirs.

I was certainly not treating him as a charity case. It was for selfish reasons if anything as it made my life easier to have Ds1 and his friend occupied with each other and me and ds2 (4 years younger and not into the same things) could chill out without the usual sibling rivalry.

I went on holiday with my best friend and her family when I was 15. They paid for everything, I just had to take spending money. It was the first time I'd been on a plane.

It's one of my best memories, and she's still my best friend all these years later.

The age gap isn't weird to me, my son's best friend is 2 years younger than him - my DS is 16. Wtf is wrong with that? I'm quite sure his mum wouldn't have a problem with him coming away with us if I was to ask. Why do people think kids can only be friends with those in the same school year as them? Are all your friends the same age as you?

Why would you say your son is a charity case? You sound like you have a chip on your shoulder to be honest.
This is an amazing opportunity for your son.

Your son is not going as a charity case but to keep their son company so I would change your thinking there.

i would find it difficult to stand in the way of giving my son this opportunity and can understand of he feels resentful.

as long as you trust the family, I would let your son go.

Gosh I think you’re perfectly reasonable to say no. The dynamic sounds a bit odd - two years apart is quite a lot in the teenage years. Also, I wouldn’t want to be without my only DC for two weeks at Easter - nothing unreasonable about that. Go with your gut OP.

I can't see anything in your OP which suggests you should say no, unless there's a massive dripfeed coming.

Your DS looking up to someone older than him (Yr 10/11 vs Yr 12/13) doesn't sound like a big issue to me, although for you to mention it, it must be to you. I'd reflect on why you think that is.

Also lots of people invite their DC friends on holiday with them and pay for it; for the holidaying family it means their DC has someone their age to spend time with and something to do, so are less likely to sit around whining that they're bored! I'd certainly do the same in future years, and wouldn't see the other DC as a charity case; this speaks to your insecurities, rather than being a reality.

YABVU.

My parents always took a friend for my brother once I wasn’t going on holiday with them anymore (brother is much younger). It meant my brother had a much better time, and by extension, my parents too.
why wouldn’t you let your son experience what might be the trip of a lifetime?

Are you sure they aren't in a relationship?

Or want to be in a relationship or one of them wants it to be a relationship?