For not letting my son go on holiday abroad with his best friend and his family?

[TheAvidPlumRobin]

My son (turning 15 in the summer) and this boy have been best friends for almost a year now. I'm talking two peas in a pod best friends. They're in the same school, but the bestie is 2 years older. They hang out and chat every single day. In my opinion, they have a bit of a weird dynamic because my son sees / treats him like a mentor, and the best friend is the one who takes the lead; but that's beside the point.

The best friend is rich. He's going with his family to the Seychelles (2 weeks) for Easter. Surprisingly, he invited my son (who thought he was just joking at first). Either way, the boy's parents contacted me and we met up to talk. They basically told me that they'll pay for everything (accommodation, flights, food, activities, souvenirs, etc.), and they'd love to have my son come along with them. They said that I don't have to worry about safety and such because the boys are well behaved, and they're eagle-eyed. I said I need some time to think it though.

My husband thinks it's a great opportunity since we obviously couldn't afford such a trip, plus the family has a great reputation. I'm not so sure though. Firstly, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of my son becoming a charity case. Secondly, the Seychelles is very far away, and my son has never travelled that far before. My son is very upset with the no answer, and my husband also believes I'm being unreasonable and weird about this.

I still have some time to change my mind though. I do have some doubts about my decision honestly.

agree. In rural areas with very small schools its completely normal for most of your friends to be a few years older/younger than you, because you don't have any other options! In other countries it's also very normal for a child to go up a year or two if they're advanced, or stay down a few grades if they need to repeat a year, and most sixth forms in the UK allow this too. When I was in Year 12 there were students who had just turned 16 and others who would be 19 within the month. Most children have friends outside of school who aren't the exact same age as them.

I appreciate it's important to be careful but think it's incredibly sad a child can't ask his best friend to come on holiday with him without adults assuming some sort of nefarious sexual intent. Would posters have the same concerns about 14 and 16 year old girls being friends?

Well obviously, yes. But in that case the holiday itself isn't the issue.

@PossumintheHouse Totally agree with you!! Some people can’t bare to have normal clear cut threads, they absolutely have to find a deeper issue 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
Of course it’s ok OP, let him go it will be the experience of a lifetime!

Also, not sure why you’d think anything about a charity case but who actually cares, the family wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to, or couldn’t afford to pay for your son!

Oh please let him go! Life is a collection of experiences and it's such a lovely opportunity for him. There really is no good reason not to let him. The other family will be asking him so their son isn't bored on holiday so it's not charity - it's keeping their DS occupied so they all have a nicer holiday. Nobody wants a bored lonely teenage boy on holiday!

Go on, let him have this lovely experience

I think you should let him go - they sound like sensible boys and a nice family and it will be a wonderful trip! It's not charity, if they are wealthy and can easily afford it, they probably are happy to pay for a companion for their son. He'll enjoy the holiday much more with a friend to hang out with.

I did this a lot as a child, i don't think it's odd at all and I'm not sure why you'd say no.

Let him go! We take one of DD's friends with us otherwise she's bored out of her mind with two adults on holiday, and of course we pay for the friend's travel and accomodation.

That isn't being a charity case, that's other parents kindly allowing their teen to keep ours company.

My parents always paid for a friend to come on holiday with us, as my brother is 10 years older. Don't look at it as charity, as it's as much for their son as yours.

You sound weirdly possessive and selfish. I'm getting Oedipus Complex vibes.

You need to go with your instinct, OP. Do you feel comfortable letting him go? Do you trust the family he will be going with? Are you happy with the age gap between the kids etc? The fact that they have only been friends for a short time would make me nervous, to be honest. You haven’t known the parents that long either. If you are comfortable and fully trust that they will keep him safe then let him go with them. If you have doubts about anything then don’t. Of course he will be upset if he doesn’t get to go but he will understand in time as he matures. I’m sure you will make the right decision for him 🌺

If help means I’d be comfortable letting my 15 year old go off with people I barely know, I definitely don’t want it. Thanks

Sounds like your holding him back from a great opportunity because of your own pride and emotional needs.

I’d let him go. My DD has been invited on multiple holidays with friends (all only children, I assume she is either invited to entertain them or to bribe them into one last family holiday) since age 15. I definitely don’t think it’s a charity-case thing!
The only ones I’ve said no to are the dangerous destinations (African countries where kidnapping is prevalent). Seychelles sounds fine! Especially as we couldn’t afford it with a family of 6 so there’d be no other opportunity.
As a side note, I’d say half DD’s friends are the school year above so that doesn’t ring alarm bells either.

So you wouldn't let your 15 year old go on a school trip abroad?

My only concern is that the friend is two years older.

Will he be allowed to do things you don't want your son doing, ie going out of the hotel at night, drinking etc?

If the 17 year old is doing it then your son will want to as well and the parents may allow it.

Trust your gut

Yanbu, you’ve obviously got a gut instinct about the ‘weird dynamic’. Can you elaborate on that more?

I wouldn’t let my 15 year old go that far away with someone I had a bad vibe about. It’s being sensible!

I think you are putting your own qualms about nothing in particular ahead of your son's feelings.

We are fortunate enough to be able to go on nice holidays with our only child. A second room costs the same with one or 2 teenagers and I love taking one of his friends with us and can afford the extra flight and meals. This isn't charity - it's just a lively way to make sure my son has a great time and some teenage experiences on holiday without his parents breathing down his neck!

Please don't smother his opportunities.

Let him go, sounds like a great holiday for him.

I think your son may forever resent you for not letting him go on this amazing adventure. My parents let me go away at 16 with my best friend and her family. Was such a good experience

It was a bit poor of the parents to mention it to your son first. They should have asked you privately and then if you were happy, they could have asked your son. You’re going to be made out to be the baddie now if you say No.

I wouldn’t let my son go. He’s being asked because it’s useful for their child; he’ll be a long way away from you if something goes wrong; and it just doesn’t sit right with me.

School trips abroad are run by teachers who are vetted and dbs checked. They have to complete risk assessments for every aspect of the trip. It’s not remotely comparable to this situation.

DS1 went on a school.exchange to France when he was 14 and stayed for 2 weeks with a family we had never had any contact with.

We've taken friends for our kids and paid. Offer to pay for the flight if you can and want to, but the rest of it's normal. If you say no I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of resentment from your son and understandably so!