I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

Oh dear. What a mess. I am absolutely pro-choice but this attitude seems cold. I'll return this baby and look again in a couple of years.

Yes YABU.

It was a silly mistake for them to make and they should be using contraception but pro choice is pro choice no matter what the circumstances.

You are entitled to have your feelings about it given they have involved you when making their decision. You obviously cannot share those feelings with them as she is entitled to make whatever decision she wants. We can disagree with someone’s decision whilst still respecting their right to decide.

I hope your child recovers.

You can be pro-choice without having to like the choice. I'm pro-choice but I do believe life starts at conception. I find the whole thing really difficult. I understand that my belief shouldn't be foisted on someone else so although I celebrate the fact we have a choice, I can't celebrate the choices.

I know someone like this. She did it twice (semi-intentional pregnancy, her DP was really happy) both times she got cold feet and had an abortion. I did feel judgy about it to be honest, maybe partly because she did it twice.

Morning, OP. Firstly, I am very sorry to hear about your toddler. That must be stressful and exhausting, and I can only hope it's going well. Probably the experience has made you consider life and potential life through a different lens? Your friend has made a decision to terminate and this is frustrating you, understandably in your situation. It doesn't make you a hypocrite, but of course it's her body and her choice. She may sound cavalier, but you don't know what she's going through. Perhaps just put some distance between you for a while?
All the best with your little one 🙏

Also it's is judgy, but we do judge people all the time. So just don't broadcast your judgements.

I'm sorry about your child. Best of luck to you all.

She would be unlikely to be a good parent in her circumstances anyway.

I think you can be 'pro choice' without endorsing the reasoning behind the choice of that makes sense. So ultimately you think that women being able to choose whether they proceed with a pregnancy or not overrides any negative feelings or sadness that you have around the circumstances that surround the choice. It is too much to demand that everyone that is pro choice must be totally happy about babies being terminated for seemingly trivial or even tragic reasons.

I think that you need to wait to hear from your friend, the man in this equation. She might be giving glib explanations when there are deep seated reasons why she isn't continuing with the pregnancy. But yes, you aren't as pro choice as you thought you were.

Think of it this way. Better this than a baby she resents and who has a miserable childhood because Mommy had to make sacrifices. I had to sacrifice the biggest adventure of my life when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't go because I wouldn't risk it. If she doesn't feel that way, she isn't ready. Hopefully next time she thinks harder.

That's exactly how I feel. I also find it really difficult to read posts on here, where people talk about abortion, like it's nothing.

I think you can be conflicted but still pro choice I have disabled child and struggle to read threads about aborting for disability so avoid them
And it's not my place to tell anyone what to do
I also sometimes think people forget sometimes that pro choice works both ways
So whilst nobody should ever be force to continue with a pregnancy
Women should also be supported to not have a termination even when circumstances are far from ideal.

Not all reason for terminations are noble but being pro choice means accepting that.
You don't have to like her reasons but accept it is her right.

Also very sorry about your toddler. And I think in the circumstances your fiend should have found someone else to talk to about this subject.

This is how I feel about it. Totally not my place to tell another woman what to do with her uterus, but it makes me feel sad for the life that is lost.

Sometimes abortion is the least-worst option, but in this case OP I'd be (silently) judging.

Personally I don't think it's possible to follow "I'm pro choice" with a "but".

However I think it was wildly unreasonable for them to have brought this conversation specifically to you, considering your circumstances.

I am 100% pro abortion and choice. But 1000% more pro responsibility.

I have known just too many cases of people playing russian roulette with contraception, and actually saying they don't want to use any, or 'don't believe in it' - and often even leave it late to ask for abortion. Just far far far too many.

Yes, things can go wrong with contraception, and yes rape does exist - but I am sure the genuine proportion of the above in the number of abortions is rather small.

The after sex pill is even more so used as a form of 'ah well, I can always take the morning after'.

Abortion, in this morning age of contraception in so so many forms available for all, easily and cheaply - should be RARE and exceptional. Unlike for our mothers, grand-mothers and so on.

Pro-choice is pro-choice. You don’t have to approve of the reasons for that choice. If this is, as you say, at the very early stage of pregnancy, this isn’t a ‘growing little person’, it’s is a cluster of cells that might, if left undisturbed, grow into one.

I think you were right to tell her you weren’t the right person to advise because of your own circumstances, which must be very difficult. Very best wishes for your child’s recovery.

I feel the same as you OP. Don’t care if it’s judgy. She doesn’t realise. And particularly grim seeing as you are fighting so hard against cancer. I would distance myself.

I think you can be pro choice and find a situation sad. Before I had DC I didn’t think life started until a baby was viable but then when pregnant it felt very different. However i remain pro choice for whatever reason a woman chooses no matter what.

But it wasnt a mistake. They chose to have sex in her fertile window without contraception. Where is the "mistake"?

OP, YANBU. Her and her partner have played fast and loose with a life.

Everyone judges, it is an in-built thing. Along with opinions. Not voicing them is the choice here.

But loads of abortions will be for women who want children (or who don't know if they want children), they just don't want them at that point? Is that cold?

I had an abortion in between DD1 and DD2. I didn't want a second yet. For me it was because I was just clawing my way out of really severe PND, and it was during the first lockdown. But still, ultimately my attitude boiled down to "not now but in a couple of years".

Whatever my thoughts on this may be, I think it's extremely insensitive for this "friend" to have this conversation with you, bearing in my your situation.