I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

There you go, op. Just stop having any feelings as a way to resolve the conflict between being pro-choice in the face of poor choices.

Or, you can feel she is making a selfish poor choice and still be pro-choice. Easier to to if you aren't a robot

yabu. it's her choice no matter what.

Talking in general here. But with her attitude to russian roulette contraception- it is very likely to happen again (and again).

One thing that amazes me, is the number of women who say they don't want to take the pill, because they don't want to subject their body to chemicals- but are very happy to take large doses again and again, in form or day after pill! What do they think is in them, and about they repetitive effects?

Well, she's 35 so likely been having sex for almost 20 years, and this is the first time it's happened. You have zero way of knowing whether it would happen again. What women think of the pill or medication to terminate is nothing to do with you.

I didn't say stop having feelings, I said move on from feelings when the situation has nothing to do with you. Please read more carefully.

So why did she involve op then? None of us need to feel any way about anything, but its human nature that we do.

Op isn't screaming at her and telling her that she shouldn't have an abortion, she's just discussing her conflict between her pro choice stance and her feelings about this particular abortion.

You can feel frustrated or upset at a person's decisions. But you still support her right to make that decision, right? You're not saying she should keep a baby she doesn't want because she was ridiculous with her actions?

You're still pro-choice and so what if you judge her.

I don't see that what she's done weong. She decided to have a baby when it's better for her, what's wrong with that?

Besides, just because she told you that's the reason doesn't mean it is. It could be something more personal that she doesn't want to share with you. In case you make a judgy post about her on the Internet, for example.

I don't know why she involved the OP – regardless, you can have a conversation with someone and not be judged.

I didn't say the OP was screaming at her or anything like that, I simply said she doesn't need to feel anything about it because the decision is nothing to do with her. If she wishes to be more at peace with a pro-choice stance, then moving on from these feelings of judgement by realising the decision is nothing to do with her is likely to assist with that.

These are the kind of decisions that challenge our own views aren’t they. I am pro choice and I accept that has to include the right to make decisions I may find personally disagreeable

Or, she can continue to have feelings for as long as she likes. She can think, ruminate, and judge for however long she pleases. There is no moral imperative to move on.

What I do think makes her a bit of a shit and what I would judge her on is offloading all this on you when you are going through so much with your own child. It’s not like she’s a long standing close friend

I'm pro choice in that I think the option should be available to women who need to have an abortion, rape, incest, DV, financial or medical challenges, contraception failure, personal circumstances etc.

I don't like when it's used as an alternative to contraception but at the same time I would prefer that it's available for those who need it rather than deny it to those women just because I don't like how a small percentage use their choice.

You can be pro choice without agreeing with everyone's decision.

If you're told something that gives you conflicting feelings can you instantly just switch it off?

In the real world most of us will take a some time to think and discuss things before we can move on.

Do you go on every thread and just tell people to stop having feelings to resolve their issues?

It's fine - you're still pro-choice. You can be pro-choice and not like the choice someone else makes. You believe that she has the right to make a choice - that's the important bit. It's like believing that women should have the right to vote. You can still be disappointed/appalled at who an individual woman is voting for.

No longer talking about her, but in general here. If women are concerned about the chemical nature of the pill, and refuse any form on contraception- then why are they not concerned about very repetitive use of morning after pill? Makes no sense, no sense at all. Unfortunately, the existence of morning after pill, makes some women believe responsible contraception is not important.

Early days still, but the repetitive use of morning after is probably a much more serious health risk compared to the contraceptive pill. It was NEVER intended to be for repetitive use, as a form 'of post sex' contraception. As for the 'russian roulette' players, they often leave it fat too late and abortion is the only way.

Emergency contraception pills are hormone-containing pills taken to give you a burst of hormonal contraception, which will likely prevent ovulation, fertilization, and/or implantation.

I will fight for the right of women to choose. Always.

But I am also truly disappointed (and more) that some women just refuse to take responsability for their sexuality, quite deliberately often.

You’re not pro-choice.

How judgemental!

Go on then, what's your definition of pro-choice if it goes beyond defending a woman's right to choose?

Being pro choice is about believing that women have the right to choose whether to continue or end a pregnancy.

You can think and feel wholeheartedly that she has the 'right' to do what she wishes while also internally disagreeing with her reasoning.

I wouldn't think it makes you any less pro choice as your belief is that it's 'her' choice and she has a right to make the decision.

I didn't say there was – this is an advice board. I am free and able to offer my advice.

and as it's a public forum, people are free to tell you your 'advice' is ridiculous.

If OP was able to just not feel a certain way she wouldn't be here would she?

I didn't say or imply that she should or can "instantly switch it off". I also didn't tell her to stop having feelings. I advised she moved on from them – I didn't imply or suggest a time frame either. I'm really not sure what so difficult to comprehend. This is an advice board and I am free to give my advice – irrespective of whether you personally have a problem with it.

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