I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

Please don’t worry about your reaction @Calmondeck , you have enough on your plate 💐

The couple have a lot to unpack following this. Is there fear behind her not wanting to continue with the pregnancy? What about his feelings? They should talk it all through with a professsional.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

I think it was very insensitive of her to involve someone, whose young child is going through cancer treatment, to help decide whether or not she should have or terminate a baby. Your feelings are likely of injustice not judgement. Why is your much loved and wanted baby going through a life threatening illness and this woman sees hers as nothing more than an inconvenience to her plan for the year. I don't blame you, I'd be pissed off in your shoes.

You can be pro choice and still feel sad.

It's ok x

Well quite. I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant, just letting nature take it's course. I know how pregnancy happens, but I managed it while being on the Pill (and being scrupulous about taking it.) Make of that what you will. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Still took me a year to conceive again.

I think, whatever her reason, she is lucky to be able to access safe abortion services. Pro-choice doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone’s reasons, but defending everyone’s right to choose to be pregnant or not.

And I really hope your toddler is ok

I would judge in this circumstance. But I'm not pro-choice in ALL circumstances and I'm OK with that, even though it's not a popular viewpoint these days.

Hoping for the very best outcome for your toddler OP ❤️

It’s not whether it’s popular/unpopular viewpoint, it’s that it’s not pro-choice. You can’t be pro-choice in only some circumstances.

I agree that it goes both ways too. But in my experience, I’ve actually had the complete opposite. Many times abortion has come up in conversations and I’ve come up against very very militant pro-life believers who won’t listen to any other point of view, don’t care about the circumstances etc. They just believe that you’re wrong for having one and they don’t care how many times they have to berate you or belittle you for making a choice to abort a pregnancy because it was the best thing for you at the time.

In my view, you’re far more likely to meet an aggressive and un-empathetic pro-lifer than you are a pro-choice person. Most pro-choice people I know think it’s fair enough if someone doesn’t believe or support abortion as it’s their choice (ie, the whole point of being pro-choice). But if you tell a pro-lifer that you’re pro-choice/have had an abortion, then you best be prepared to be attacked!

I agree that it’s insensitive to bring it up with a mum who has a poorly baby, but it’s a very slippery slope to say ‘why should X be allowed to abort a baby but MY child has cancer etc’. It’s the same as saying ‘well I can’t conceive so you shouldn’t be allowed to abort because I am desperate for a baby’. It’s wrong to compare your situation to other people’s situation. Just because OP’s child is ill doesn’t mean the woman in question is any less deserving of an abortion.

Extremes of either view are definitely a big problem.

I rarely if ever speak about my views in real life. I have daughters and I never ever want them to think I am more pro life than pro choice which I think they might assume of I opened up on the subject so I ah e to keep it to myself and stay neutral so that if they ever need to make the choice they will not be scared to talk to me either way

I think the best thing in that situation is to remember that if you ever were faced with either of your daughters being in that situation, that you'd like them to have a choice regardless of how they came to become pregnant. You don’t have to agree with abortion yourself or think it’s okay to have one, but I think it’s far more altruistic to honour the fact that many young women today do indeed believe in having a choice and that’s okay.

You sound like a good mum who cares about your daughters and I imagine you’d support them either way.

oh my god, that's not what she's saying AT ALL! What a horribly simplistic and inaccurate way of putting it.

OP has never said that she thinks her friend shouldn't have access to an abortion, she is pro-choice, but after being used as a sounding board for her friend who was talking about keeping the baby she feels sad that they have now decided the opposite.

She was confused as to if she can really be pro choice when she doesn't fully agree with the reasons behind the decision, but the answer to that is yes, of course she is still pro choice. You only have to agree that women have the right to decide for themselves, you don't have to agree with the reason they are doing it.

My response was not to OP, it was to the person I replied to directly who suggested it was an injustice that this woman is pregnant whilst OPs child is unwell.

@sarahsunny i have to accept that science tells us that there are eggs and sperm and zygotes and implantation and heart beats and loads of other milestones on the way to creating a human. I don't believe preventing implantation is the same as abortion. I also don't believe every fertilized egg that doesn't implant is a life lost - if I knew about them I wouldn't mourn them as a baby. So I suppose I consider all that when I'm thinking about abortion. Fundamentally my belief is irrational. And at the end of the day it's my belief. At conception the "baby" can't survive without a womb so is it really a baby? So I accept that other people don't think like me and that's ok with me. If a friend was having an abortion I would believe she was doing what was best for her and I wouldn't consider it murder and I would support her however she needed support. However I don't think I could do it myself.

I think your feelings are understandable OP.

I'm pro choice insofar as I believe it's better for women to be able to access safe, medically sound abortion services rather than going down DIY or clandestine routes. So providing abortions regardless of rationale is the right thing to do.

But I do think this is a scenario where someone is essentially using abortion as a contraceptive, and actually left it quite long to conclude they don't want the baby. I'm assuming she'd be about 7 weeks along by now to have had a positive test and then considered her options for a couple weeks (as per one of your updates). That baby is no longer just a clump of cells, it has a heartbeat and discernable limb buds and a head developing.

If it were me, I'd find it hard to view her in the same light afterwards, especially given what they knew about your personal circumstances. They seem quite self centered people really