I thought I was pro-choice, is this judgey?

[Calmondeck]

I always thought I was pro-choice. I know the difficulties that can come with pregnancy, I understand the complexities of becoming a parent. And yet I suddenly find myself frustrated at a woman I know for choosing not to follow-through with her pregnancy. Does that mean deep down I am not pro-choice?

In a nutshell, I am friends with the male partner in a couple together for 1.5yrs. They’ve been having sex without contraception but avoiding her fertile window. Several weeks ago, had sex in the fertile window, discussed whether or not to use the morning after pill, (apparently) mutual decision not to. Now early days pregnant. The woman reached out to me asking to meet for a chat “on all things birth and motherhood”. I told her I’m probably not the best person to speak to since my review of motherhood is somewhat clouded by spending half of my toddler’s life in hospital as he undergoes aggressive chemotherapy for infant cancer.

We met anyway. The first thing she said was “I’m getting cold feet, we decided to throw caution to the wind, I’m 35 so thought it’s unlikely the first time ever I have sex in a fertile window I would get pregnant, but now that I am, I was excited, and now I’m suddenly scared. I follow all of the midwives on Instagram even though I wasn’t actively planning to become pregnant, I just think becoming a mother is fascinating”.

I was sympathetic and honest about all of the pros and cons from my tiny experience.

My friend, the dad-to-be, is shocked but genuinely excited.

The pregnant woman has decided today that she will get an abortion. And suddenly I feel deeply sad for this growing little person. And frustrated that the mum said “I had my year and travels planned. I’ll try again in 2 years”.

THIS^^

And dont forget the "its ok in case of rape or incest" - so whats happening here? Advocating for the foetus based on willing conception??? But not if sex was consensual? What's that about then? Punishing the woman is what its about

You are still pro-choice in that you (presumably) still believe that the state should not have the right to prevent this woman from going through with her abortion. That doesn't mean that you can't have your own feelings about it, although it would obviously better not to let her know about them. You are human and humans judge each other.
I've said it on here before, but I am staunchly pro-choice but if I fell pregnant I would not have an abortion unless I had to for medical reasons. I am childfree and do not want a child, but I still wouldn't have an abortion. I'm still pro choice.

As someone else said you can be pro-choice without liking the choice.

That's choice.

I also don’t agree that what they did was a ‘mistake’, it was an intentional act that they knew full well could result in pregnancy, it was always going to be a gamble and it personally doesn’t sit right with me that they are gambling with a human life when there are other options available.

i think she is utterly unbelievable to come to you with this with everything you’re going through though, engaging with you and then so flippantly announce that she’s going to abort, it’s horribly insensitive and it’s not surprising you feel a little sad about their decision to terminate.

Pro-choice is just that. Pro-CHOICE. It's not pro-abortion. It's not pro-irresponsibility. It's just the belief that a woman has choices over her own body.

You don't have to like the choice she makes, it doesn't have to very the same choice you would have made. But if you support her right to make it and don't think that right should come with conditions, then you are indeed pro-choice.

Others have described my stance - pro-choice meaning neither society nor the state should prevent a woman having an abortion.

I AM judging their attitude to contraception, however and because I'm nosey, would love to hear their justification for being so cavalier with her health (abortion is not 100% risk free and pregnancy certainly isn't) and the already dwindling NHS resources.

It was very strange of this woman to involve you. Since she did, you will, of course, have your own views about her decision.

Maybe you wouldn't have made the same choice in her situation, but if you don't believe she should be forced to carry on with a pregnancy she doesn't want, then you are pro-choice.

Who knows she might change her mind another 10 times between now and the abortion and might find she just can't go through with it. I'm not sure she is ready for such a life changing thing as a baby though from what you've said, but that could change completely by the time the baby arrived.

I think all we can do is accept that she is allowed to make the choice that feels right for her even though it might not be our choice or even the right choice in the long term for her (ie if she really struggles to conceive in the future). Alternatively maybe it will prove to be the correct decision and she will be in a more settled, ready position in 2 years and fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and be very happy with her decisions.

Pro choice doesn’t have to mean you agree with or support every individual person’s choice. You can be completely behind the legal right to access abortion while still having your own moral stand on when abortion is and is not ok.

It is actually very rare for people to support abortion without restriction as morally right behaviour - everyone has their own personal moral stance of what is and is not ok.

It also isn’t wrong to be upset that your friend has lost (or will lose) his child.

Just keep your opinions to yourself. If you support the right to choose - then even if the reason isn’t one you support, then you support the right for her to make that decision based on her moral stance.

There are many things I do not agree with but I keep them to myself, because although I may feel strongly about something I do above all believe in people's right to have opinions that differ from my own. I have found myself in your position many times over the years about various issues. Personally I would never have an abortion and I felt this very strongly even as a teenager, but I know people who have been casual about this like your friend and I find it upsetting but i keep my thoughts to myself. Even if people are having a general discussion about it I nod along and say nothing because I have found that if I express my personal view its immediately misinterpreted as being judgmental or oppressive when it is merely my own take on it. It's ironic because people who have more liberal views on things like to shout from the rooftops and try to 'enlighten' those that differ. I never do this and try to respect people's differences, although I find this difficult sometimes.

You can support people’s legal rights without being an ally. Actually that is a very honourable position to hold, that you can overlook your personal preferences in your broader ethics. For example, you can be religious and not personally approve of homosexuality, transgenderism, smoking, gambling, or abortion, say, while simultaneously understanding and supporting people’s legal rights and freedoms in those areas.

I think you can be pro choice on a macro level but judge individual micro decisions. I would for example judge someone who aborted due to gender.

She sounds incredibly insensitive to talk to you about it when you have an ill child.

I'm pro-choice. I suppose I have to suck up bad choices for the greater good of women in general.

So yeah, I'm pro-choice, which doesn't mean to say I think that her particular choice isn't a shit, selfish choice.

I mean, this has ZERO to do with you. I would completely ignore any feelings you have about it.

I am pro-choice. Personally, I’ve never had an abortion and I believe I wouldn’t unless there was a health concern either way. The reasons women have abortions might seem ‘wrong’ to me sometimes but I do still support abortion. I don’t have to like it, but it’s not for me to try and stop someone or openly judge them.

This woman has involved op, despite her saying she isn't the person to talk to. Op hasn't inserted herself into the conversation.

You would ignore the op's feelings, or your own feelings, or the op should ignore her own feelings - because they are the wrong feelings?

I didn't say she had inserted herself into the conversation. The woman's decision to abort is zero to do with her and OP doesn't need to feel any way about it.

The OP should ignore her own feelings because the situation has nothing to do with her.

Yeah, that's not how feelings work, is it?

NO comparison.

You do realise medical staff at every level have to perform such abortions, day in, day out- and it has a really strong effect on them. All of them are pro-choice- but many of them become totally affected by the sheer lack of responsibility and respect. You have no idea how it affects them too.

When someone has 3, 4, 5 and going on, more abortions and refuse to take responsability for their sexual behaviour and contraception- then something is VERY VERY wrong.

It's how feelings work when you decide to move on from them.

This isn't a comparison either. in such early pregnancy and with no complications, the woman in this most will most likely just be prescribed the medication to go and pick up. And she hasn't had 3, 4, 5 abortions – she's planning to have one.

You can be prochoice but not be comfortable with someone's choice. But it's her choice. I would be making the point that she can't rely on getting pregnant in a few years though. She can't assume it'll happen again easily, and how would she feel if it didn't happen? Prochoice is that if a women wants an abortion, society allows her to access a safe and legal abortion - I don't think it means you have to think it's always the right decision.

I'm so sorry your child is unwell op I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm very pro choice and while I feel this couple's attitude feels cold and a bit daft. Plus quite complacent as I'm experiencing early peri at 37 so you can't assume you will get pregnant easily in future. I still support their choice to terminate even if they made daft choices which led to the pregnancy. What is the other option? That they have to have baby because they were daft? I don't think they should be force to bring a child into the world because of this. Or are in the best place to bring one up if they wanted to terminate.

I suppose ultimately what I'm saying is I feel you can support the choice and be pro choice while thinking they were stupid.