To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

This seems so cruel to your PIL.
We live overseas so my parents visited first, followed immediately by MIL and her friend for 2 weeks.
My MIL is wonderful but I knew she wouldn't want to step over boundaries so every morning DH or I would knock in her room and drop the baby with her after his feed.
I told her that she was welcome to pick up/put down/change pampers/whatever she wanted "because she's the baby's grandma too".

Honestly, it's total batshittery to not allow relatives to visit for weeks on end and then impose painfully awkward restrictions on them like they can only ask for a hold of their new grandchild if they've completed the chores set for them.

Thankfully I've not come across any of those weirdos in real life.

I think there’s a lot going on there, some bits reasonable and some unreasonable.

It’s not unreasonable for SIL to have wanted time without visitors and I think it’s fair enough that her mum wasn’t included in that, a woman does often feel she really need her mum in those first few days to almost take care of her while she learns to take care of her own baby. That’s totally fine and lots of midwives (mine included) actually do now suggest that the no visitors for 2 weeks is supposed to reduce risk of PPD/PPA.

That said though I do think it’s really a bit sad to have had MIL/FIL there and not ask if they’d like to hold the baby. It’s fair enough if they just aren’t comfortable with other people holding the baby as a rule, one of my friends was like this as was very worried about germs so only her & baby’s dad could hold baby which everybody totally respected and that’s their choice, but I think if you’re happy to pass baby round to your mum and sister then you should really offer MIL as well. Maybe next time she could ask to hold baby? I can understand why she might not want to though as it can definitely be a minefield!

Can you not see the problem? Your mother in law has gossiped to you about their visit, so perhaps your sister and brother in law are right to keep that side of the family at arms length.

Sounds as if PIL expected sleep deprived new parents to read their mind and notice who did and didn't cuddle the baby.

What sounds lovely to some will sound overbearing to others - and I wonder why OP knows this story in such detail 😉

FIL may prefer to keep busy - maybe he feels awkward in social situations and will use any excuse to do some work instead. MIL could just have asked, lots of assumptions on her part, e.g. maybe BIL and his wife hate MIL's cooking and now have stuff to throw out.

It is entirely possible DIL finds MIL irritating and was trying her best to be polite while her husband left her alone with a MIL she doesn't really get on with. That is a BIL issue, your SIL doesn't owe MIL a relationship. Especially since MIL quite clearly hopes for a much closer relationship than SIL and seem to be pushing for it.

Maybe BIL is holding on to the few things that connect him with his father (i.e. DIY) or holds some resentment for never being taught and thinks FIL now owes him help. Who knows. Bottom-line is, BIL and SIL arent close to PIL, probably don't want to be, and communicate that clearly. It is up to your PIL what they do with this info, stop playing "look how much better I am as a DIL".

Well MIL will know for next time to ask for a cuddle with the baby and not ask if there’s anything she can do to help.

Fair enough to FIL that he fixed the fence but it does sound like BIL is doing bugger all on any front - maybe that’s why the DM and sis have been there so much!

Agreed - there is a very odd (sad) thing that kicks in re babies and weddings.

Guests make a wedding if it is 5, 55 or 105. Without them you have no party!

Treating in laws with a little respect when babies come seems to be beyond the Pale. This child is yours for sure but is also a part of them. It is good for the child to have a loving extended family.

But surely the reason is obvious? You say there’s no backstory, but then drop in that your BIL never calls or visits his parents and makes no effort with them.

Whatever the reason for this is, the effect is that his wife has never had to reckon with them as in any way significant presences, probably barely knows them, has spent little time with them, and is taking her cue from her husband in terms of how important they are in her life.

Conversely, she’s fond of and close to her own mother and sister and wants them in her life, makes a point of seeing them all the time. It’s not her job to take responsibility for her husband’s lack of relationship to his own parents.

Maybe he’s a thoughtless prick, maybe he’s not close to them for a reason — you don’t know this for sure, OP, and neither does your husband. Siblings can have a very different relationship with their parents, despite growing up in the same circumstances. I’m the eldest of four and we all have significantly different relationships to our parents. OP, you think they’re adorable because your own family is dysfunctional, but his view of them may not be so rosy. Which means his wife’s may not be either.

But either way, regardless of why he’s not close to his parents, it’s hardly surprising there’s no ‘symmetrical’ relationship between the two families, if one spouse is close to theirs and the other one isn’t.

TL; DR. Your BIL isn’t at all close to his parents, and never bothers to make contact, so it’s hardly surprising the visit wasn’t a resounding success. It’s a pity for your PILs, but it’s hardly news, I would have said. Babies aren’t bandages.

I feel like you BIL is at fault. Using his dad as a handyman because he is lazy and not including his own parents in his family circle. Very rude. I'll adopt your PILs. Unfortunately, my MIL had passed away by the time my son was born, and my FIL was too drunk to care....

Why didnt they just ask if they could hold the baby?! Thats what generally happens.

Asking something so simple isnt pushing boundaries. It shows interest.

I find it strange that they waited to be asked.

I'm in the minority but I think that the mother of the baby's mother is always going to be closer unless there are exceptional circumstances. No, I'm not excusing the rudeness of expecting the OP's ILs to run around waiting on them: that was shocking. But more generally, I think it is reasonable enough for a woman to want her mother around more than her MIL when she has a new baby.

Bloody hell, that's appalling. It didn't occur to one of these people that other gran/grandpa might want to hold the baby? Or did they think they'd be too tired from running around doing their bidding? Cheeky fuckers, that's terrible.

You're right to be sad for the PILs - but DH needs to have a word with his brother, why is he also taking the 'son opts out of emotional labour' role? He's not as bad as his brother obviously but it's the same trajectory - you are doing all the worrying and problem-solving and he's standing there 'fuming' but doing nothing.

I agree. I think it's understandable that the new mother would want her own mum and sister there rather than her in-laws.

But I would have thought that the in-laws would have been asked if they'd like to hold the baby, so that does seem unusual.

Ah that's really sad. My mil would just take the baby! In fact dd christing photo has her holding dd as dh took the photo.

Familes are weird

That is sad, the in-laws can’t win here, ask to hold baby and they would be called pushy, don’t ask and they are told they should have asked.

I was free and easy with letting people hold my dc, even people we weren’t close with. Of course people who are visiting want to hold the baby, any new parent knows this and if they are really that dense the mum and sister could have suggested it.

It is sad but unfortunately if the SIL doesn't want a close relationship with PIL and BIL isn't bothered either, I think PIL will have to resign themselves to it. It's perfectly normal for SIL to be closer to her own family and there's not much you can do about that. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with PIL and welcome their involvement with your children. Just concentrate on that and try not to stress about something you can't change.

Just because you're close to your Mil, your Sil might have a different perspective. Leave them to have their own relationship, it's not your business.

Except the grandmother was doing the helping the mother (the other grandmother) getting the baby.

I have 3 sons, I sympathise.

You're right, it's a different thing and while I think it's very thoughtless and tbh ungrateful of the SIL - why didn't their own son act to give his parents the joy of holding their grandchild, and why isn't he thinking about the bond his own child will benefit from having with their paternal GPs?

Because all this stuff, from the important things like this and maintaining relationships with birthday cards and arranging visits, to the grinding mental load of daily domestic care, to the emotional labour of raising balanced kids in a difficult world, is beneath them.

They've got women for that.

It's the air that we all breathe and so we barely register it, and if we do we have to shove it away again fast so we don't start looking deeper and rock the boat.

It's awful.

And yet these are never the reasons people trot out when stopping one set of grandparents from visiting. It’s always about time to ‘bond as our little nuclear family’. Except this doesn’t usually apply to selected people.

Not wanting everyone and their dog visiting immediately is fine but (unless previous history of being overbearing, uncaring, etc.) grandparents love that baby like the parents do and want to be able to support the parents. It sounds like the OP’s PIL are lovely and do what they can to make their son and DIL’s lives easier. All things that are said on MN as really helpful in the few days and weeks postpartum. They didn’t have expectations of just sitting there cuddling the baby unlike the SIL’s mum and sister.

I never judge first time mothers. Luckily my DILs were even handed but they were more comfortable with their mums which is natural.

My own mother showed very little practical interest aged 45 nor did my MIL aged 64 who to be fair had her own issues so I cracked on alone.

I did envy close families.

This, plus I find that there is a tendency in these situations to always blame the DIL rather than the son. For a site which is all over any and all real or perceived microaggression against women, this is a surprising blind spot.

I think that’s the only way - hopefully he can make his brother see how this has all come across. Your poor PIL.

Your BIL is a bit of an asshole. Hopefully he cops on soon.

OP it is her first baby please give her some slack. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of it we forget to be conscious of everyone’s feelings. When my DC1 was born I was so stunned, in pain and struggling to BF that I just wanted my mum there. I got so exhausted with the endless visitors and expectations of baby cuddles that when DC2 came along I did put a quiet ban on any visits before 2 weeks. I didn’t include my PIL’s in this though and they came on the third day.

Please don’t get your DH to have a go at them. Please remember how difficult it is adjusting to a new baby. You will really stress your SIL out and she will likely remember this down the line.